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Paul Hardingham continues his new series.
What’s the Big Idea? An Introduction to the Books of the Old Testament:
1 and 2 Samuel.
1 and 2 Samuel was originally a single work, which focuses on Samuel, Saul and David, around 1,000 BC, mid-way between Abraham and Jesus. It was Samuel who established the monarchy in Israel after the period of the judges. He was commanded by God to give the people a king, although their request is seen as a rejection of God’s rule over Israel (8:7).
The people simply wanted to be like other nations, however their king was still subject to God’s law and the word of the prophet. Although Samuel anointed Saul, he soon showed an unwillingness to submit to these requirements, leading to his rejection as king (15:23). God chose David as Saul’s successor, and 1 Samuel depicts David’s years of waiting until the right time arrived to claim the throne.
2 Samuel depicts David’s rule, in which the nation prospers and its enemies are defeated. The promise of the perfect king is fulfilled in Jesus Himself, as David’s descendant. The second half of the book depicts the darker side of David’s reign, describing his weaknesses and failures, including his adultery with Bathsheba and the rebellion of his son Absalom.
Nevertheless, David remained a man after God’s own heart: ‘The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.’ (1 Samuel 16:7). The characters in this book are not always great examples of faith, however, ‘They do not show us how we should live but how in fact we do live, authenticating the reality of our daily experience as the stuff that God uses to work his purposes of salvation in us and in the world.’ (Eugene Peterson).
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Prospect of winter energy bills causing anxiety for millions, says Archbishop of York
Millions are looking ahead to this winter with ‘fear and anxiety’ about the cost of heating their homes, the Archbishop of York has said as he backed the recent launch of a campaign to provide a network of warm spaces for people who struggle to pay their energy bills.
Archbishop Stephen Cottrell is encouraging churches to consider getting involved in the Warm Welcome campaign, a network of venues from community centres to churches providing warm spaces over the winter for people struggling to heat their homes
.
Archbishop Stephen said: “Sadly, what began as a cost-of-living crisis has simply become the new normal for many.
“Millions of people will look ahead to this winter with fear and anxiety, wondering how they are going to cope with high living costs. That is why I am proud to endorse the Warm Welcome campaign this winter.
“But a warm welcome isn’t only about the temperature. It is about kindness and community, giving people the chance to be seen and known, to belong and to be part of something. It is about celebrating the God-given value and dignity of every single person, finding hope and community together. But of course, none of that will happen if people are cold.”
The Warm Welcome campaign is led by a coalition of over 50 charitable organisations who joined together in response to the cost of living crisis to provide emergency support to communities struggling to pay for rising food costs and to heat their homes.
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The mysterious ways of mistletoe
Mistletoe has long been used as part of our Christmas decorations. It is not your usual kind of plant.
Instead, it is hemiparasitic, meaning that although its leaves enable it to feed itself through photosynthesis, its roots invade the host tree or shrub to extract water and other nutrients
.
Mistletoe loves living in apple, lime, hawthorn, poplar or oak trees. You may spot it high up, as a large globe, on the bare trees in winter. There is one spectacular example in Windsor Great Park, clearly visible from the path on the opposite side of the Thames
.
Mistletoe’s berries are almost translucent, fleshy and sticky. They form in the forks of mistletoe’s many branches. While they are toxic to humans, they are attractive to birds, who wipe the remaining seeds off their beaks onto the nearest branch, which of course helps the plant to spread.
For some reason, Romans thought mistletoe represented Peace, Love and Understanding. Perhaps that is how it got into our Christmas celebrations? The earliest documentary evidence for kissing under mistletoe dates from the 16th century, but we don’t know who got kissed first.
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Doctor Livingstone, I presume?
It was 150 years ago, on 10th November 1871, that Welsh journalist and explorer Henry Morton Stanley located the missing missionary Dr David Livingstone near Lake Tanganyika, in present-day Tanzania. He may or may not have greeted him with the words: “Doctor Livingstone, I presume?”
Stanley’s real name was John Rowlands. He was born in Denbigh to an unmarried 18-year-old who abandoned him. He ended up in a workhouse until he was 15, then went to America, where he changed his name and became an American citizen. When he found Livingstone, he was working for the New York Herald.
Known for his strength of will, Stanley also had an African name – Bula Matari – Breaker of Rocks. Much of his life was spent in Central Africa, and his reputation was mixed: he was said by some to be violent toward Africans, but by others to have treated them well. His feats as an explorer were impressive: he played a big part in locating the true source of both the Nile and the Congo, and he helped open up the Congo on behalf of King Leopold of Belgium.
Though not overtly religious, he felt he was engaged in a “sacred task”. He was re-naturalised a British subject in 1892, following his marriage.
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All in the month of March
It was:
300 years ago, on 8th March 1723 that Sir Christopher Wren, English architect, died. Best known for designing St Paul’s Cathedral.
125 years ago, on 16th March 1898 that Aubrey Beardsley, British illustrator, died. His black ink drawings, influenced by Japanese woodcuts, contributed to the development of Art Nouveau.
100 years ago, on 4th March 1923 that Patrick Moore, the amateur astronomer, TV presenter, writer and musician was born. Best known for presenting the TV astronomy show The Sky at Night for over 50 years. (Died 2012)
80 years ago, on 13th March 1943 that the final liquidation of Krakow Ghetto in Poland took place. 8,000 Jews were transported to Plaszow labour camp, 2000 more were simply killed in the streets, and the rest were sent to Auschwitz.
70 years ago, on 19th March 1953 that the Academy Awards ceremony (the Oscars) were televised for the first time.
Also 70 years ago, on 26th March 1953 that Dr Jonas Salk announced that he had completed the first small-scale test of a polio vaccine. Larger tests began in February 1954, and mass vaccinations began in April 1955.
65 years ago, on 2nd March 1958 that the first land crossing of Antarctica was completed by the Commonwealth Trans-Antarctic Expedition, led by Vivian Fuchs. The team of 12 men travelled 2,158 miles from Shackleton Base to Scott Base (via the South Pole) in 99 days, using six vehicles.
60 years ago, on 22nd March 1963 that the British Secretary of State for War, John Profumo, made a statement in the House of Commons in which he denied there was any impropriety in his relationship with Christine Keeler, a model who was also in a sexual relationship with a drug dealer and a Soviet naval attaché. (In June he admitted he had lied, and resigned.)
50 years ago, on 8th March 1973 that the citizens of Northern Ireland voted in a referendum to remain within the United Kingdom. That same day the IRA carried out its first bombing in Britain since WWII, planting car bombs in London. One person died, 200 were injured.
40 years ago, on 6th March 1983 that Donald Maclean, British-born Soviet spy died. He was a member of the Cambridge Spy Ring.
Also 40 years ago, on 26th March 1983, that Anthony Blunt, British art historian and Soviet spy, died.
25 years ago, on 16th March 1998 that Rwanda began mass trials for the country’s 1994 genocide. There were 125,000 suspects for 500,000 murders.
20 years ago, on 1st March 2003 that Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, the al-Qaeda terrorist who masterminded the 9/11 attacks on the USA, was captured in Pakistan.
Also 20 years ago, on 12th March 2003 that the World Health Organisation issued a global alert about a severe form of pneumonia (now known as Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome – SARS) that was affecting people in China, Hong Kong and Vietnam.
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Isherwood Hall. (The original hall)
Tables and chairs are available.
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January 2025 Magazine
A Happy New Year to all our readers
As Always we would like to think there is a lot of interest in the articles we have chosen and that it is ideal for you to dip in and out of and not read them all at once !!!
Pauline & Bob - co-editors..
Updated 1st January 2025
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Dear Friends,
Norma.
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No doubt some of you will have wondered who these people are who write articles that we use. Starting this month we will have a small feature on them. Now of course if we received more articles from within the parish we wouldn’t need to use as many as we do!!!
Introducing the Parish Pump Team
Parish Pump is an independent, registered limited company. It began in May 1999. The theological stance is: orthodox, historical, Bible-based Christianity. What CS Lewis called ‘mere Christianity’.
The Editor and co-Founder, Anne Coomes, has worked in Christian radio, newspapers and publishing. She has done diocesan communications for Peterborough Diocese and Chester Diocese. She used to be an Operation Christmas Child annual reporter, and as such helped deliver shoe-boxes to needy children (and wrote up their stories) in Romania, Bosnia, Mozambique, Kyrgyzstan, Kosovo and Montenegro. She has written several biographies on African church leaders, and is licensed as Reader for St Oswald’s, Bollington, near Macclesfield.
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A message from the Parish Pump Team
The great American songwriter, Oscar Hammerstein II once claimed that he just could not write a song without hope in it. He was an optimist, always looking for the positive in every situation.
Well, the Bible is the most optimistic book you could imagine. Despite the pain of history, it has a happy ending – looking forward to an eternal future that is free from evil and pain.
We are about to enter 2025 with the world scene more uncertain than ever. And the national scene, here in the UK, is also full of problems. Many people are feeling low, wondering which way to turn for comfort and security in their lives.
There is an old saying: Bibles that are falling apart are usually owned by people who are not.
You won’t be able to get the Bible into the hands of all the people of your community, but you CAN get your church magazine into their hands. You can publish articles that tell them of the Christian hope in Jesus Christ, and which encourage them to lift up their hearts and minds to God.
So – be encouraged and energised this month – your magazine can be a little light which brings the Light of the World to your community this coming year.
May we wish you all a very happy and peaceful Christmas and a good start to 2025.
Anne Coomes and the Parish Pump Team
WE WILL REMEMBER
Barry Lomas
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CHRISTINGLE SERVICE- CHRISTMAS EVE
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SERVICE OF COMMEMORATION OF THE FAITHFUL DEPARTED
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COFFEE MORNING
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January Diary Page
BIBLE STUDY (via ZOOM) EVERY WEDNESDAY AT 7PM DURING TERM TIME.
PRAYER MEETING FIRST MONDAY IN THE MONTH 7pm IN CHURCH
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CHRISTMAS CONCERT
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31st John Bosco, founder of the Salesian Teaching Order
John Bosco is the saint for anybody concerned for deprived young people.
Bosco never trained as a youth worker, as he was born into a peasant family near Castelnuovo in Piedmont, northern Italy, in 1815. He never belonged to a youth group – he was out in the fields shepherding his family’s sheep. But he longed to work with young people, and so in 1835 he was accepted at the seminary in Chieri, where he was ordained a priest in 1841.
Bosco had had a vision, in which he saw a young child, and heard the words: “Not with blows, but with charity and gentleness must you draw these friends to the path of virtue.” He knew then that God had given him a specific vocation: his life’s work was to be serving deprived youngsters.
And so Bosco headed for the dreary slums of Turin, where he began his ministry in the poor Valdocco quarter of the city. He was haunted by the wretched lives of the many youngsters there, and reached out to them, showing a kindness which they had never encountered before. Soon, as well as his church services, Bosco launched evening classes and training workshops in various trades for the boys in his neighbourhood. For those boys who were homeless, he opened a boarding house, installing his own mother as housekeeper.
Bosco had uncovered a great social need, because his ’Oratory’ grew from 20 boys in early 1842 to 400 boys, only four years later, in 1846. By 1859 the ‘Pious Society of St Francis de Sales,’ commonly known as the Salesians, had been born. The municipal authorities, at first suspicious, soon greatly valued the work that Bosco and his Salesians were doing.
By the time he died in Turin in 1888, the Salesians had 250 houses throughout the world, housing and educating 130,000 poor children. 6,000 of the boys went on to become priests.
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Canon Paul Hardingham considers the reality of warfare
War and Peace
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Our Royal Army Chaplains
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Should Christians go to war?
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Rufforth Autojumble , unexpected tempations!
Watch this space.
Edna
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January Crossword
CLUES
Across
1 Paul said the wrath of God ‘is being revealed from heaven’ against this (Romans 1) (11)
9 Go smite (anag.) (7)
10 ‘But — I have risen,’(Matthew 26) (5)
11 ‘Take and —;’ (Matthew 26) (3)
13 Type (2 Thessalonians 2) (4)
16 ‘Woe to those who — iniquity’ (Micah 2) (4)
17 ‘How shall we — if we ignore such a great salvation?’ (Hebrews 2) (6)
18 Opposite of evens (4)
20 Previously cited (Latin) (4)
21 ‘There is surely — — of God in this place,’ (Genesis 20) (2,4)
22 The Thessalonians were warned to keep away from every brother who was this (2 Thessalonians 3) (4)
23 Beat (anag.) (4)
25 To trouble or afflict (Job 16) (3)
28 Part of a roof (1 Kings 7) (5)
29 Attain (Job 5) (7)
30 Insect noted for its gymnastic ability (Psalm 78) (11)
Down
2 Smell (John 11) (5)
3 Lion’s home (Jeremiah 25) (4)
4 ‘Jesus Christ is the — yesterday and today and for ever’ (Hebrews 13) (4)
5 Tidy (4)
6 Made their home (Genesis 47) (7)
7 Their task was to carry the curtains of the tabernacle (Numbers 4) (11)
8 Timothy’s was called Lois (2 Timothy 1) (11)
12 The Lover likened the fragrance of the Beloved’s breath to these (Song of Songs 7) (6)
14 Times Educational Supplement (1,1,1)
15 Eight-tentacled sea creatures (6)
19 ‘And lead us not into temptation, but — us from the evil one’(Matthew 6) (7)
20 D.L. Moody’s legendary song leader, — D. Sankey (3)
24 Rarely used musical note (5)
25 ‘Your will be done on earth — it — in heaven’ (Matthew 6) (2,2)
26 and 27 ‘The Lord Almighty will — them with a — ,’ (Isaiah 10 (4,4)
27 See 26 Down
Answers to December Crossword
Winner Peter Warren.
Crosswords reproduced by kind permission of BRF and John Capon, originally published in Three Down, Nine Across, by John Capon (£6.99 BRF)
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November Anagrams
FOLK MUSIC AND DANCE
Rearrange these letters to form the names of 12 musical instruments used in folk music and folk dance. The list includes instruments from all over the world, but at least 5 of them can be heard in the British Isles, and one of them is almost local!
1. COCO DRAIN 2 CLIDE RUM 3. COIN TRANCE 4. HERTZI 5. LARNPHONE 6. T N CASSETA 7. BRIANS PRINTOE HUMP
8. LILA ABAKA 9. MIMA BAR 10. GIDDIE DOOR 11. THINLI STEW 12. I SPELL SPAM
Compiled by Peter Warren
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October Anagram Answers
SHOPPING FOR MEAT: Answers
1. BRAISING STEAK 2. LAMB SHOULDER 3. PORK SPARE RIBS 4. BREAST OF LAMB 5. CASSEROLE BEEF
6. LOIN OF PORK 7. BEST END OF NECK 8. PORK BELLY 9. PORTERHOUSE STEAK 10. LEG OF LAMB
Winner
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January Soduko Puzzle
December Sodoku Solution
Winners Jack Thompson
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The Revd Dr Jo White continues her series on the meanings on Church Buildings.
Reflecting Faith: Taking down the Christmas tree decorations.
Last month we considered the decorations we put on our Christmas trees, both at home and in our churches.
Many churches keep their decorations – or at least their nativity scene – in place until Candlemas at the beginning of February, but most of us take our domestic ones down around Epiphany, on 6th January, when we recall the arrival of the Three Kings.
But how do we manage them for the rest of the year, after we have taken them down?
Our Christmas ‘baubles’ come in all colours, in matt and shiny, in all shapes and sizes. They can remind us of people, who also come in all shapes and sizes, colours and tones. Baubles are very fragile, like we are sometimes.
This year as you take down your decorations, have a good look at them and think about the care that you take to store them safely, so that they will not break.
How much more care do you take in looking after the people who make up your life? Your family, friends, neighbours, church, colleagues, local shop keepers, and so on?
It’s quick and easy to pick up the decorations and just drop them in a box, but without some gentle care, will they be okay for next year?
It’s too easy to pass folk by, and get on with what we are doing for ourselves, our own plans and goals; but aren’t people worth more than that?
Who do we know that would greatly benefit if we gave them just a bit more time, a bit more consideration?
This month: Have a look at your decorations and see if any of them need a bit of refreshing, some TLC, (tender loving care), just as we all do.
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Paul Hardingham continues his series looking at what it takes to be a disciple.
Whole Life Discipleship – ‘Growing Up Together’
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Canon Paul Hardingham continues his series on the books of the Bible, which will run until the end of 2025.
What’s the Big Idea? – An Introduction to the
books of the New Testament: Acts.
The Acts of the Apostles was written by Luke, a physician-friend and fellow-traveller of Paul. It complements his gospel, both being written for Theophilus (Luke 1:3; Acts 1:1), in around AD 63, during Paul’s first Roman imprisonment.
While Luke’s gospel records what Jesus began to do and teach, Acts tells us about what Jesus continued to do and teach through the disciples, empowered by the Holy Spirit (1:1-3).
Luke’s aim is:
To present a history. Christianity has a firm historical foundation. The life and teaching of Jesus Christ are recorded in the Gospels; Acts provides an account of the spread of the Church, as the result of the work of the risen Lord and the Holy Spirit through the apostles.
To give a defense. We read speeches to both Jews (eg 4:8–12) and Gentiles (eg 25:8–11), showing us how the Early Church challenged pagan and Jewish thought, the Roman government and Hellenistic culture.
To provide a guide. We see basic gospel principles being applied to specific situations in the context of problems and persecution. These same principles are applicable for us today.
To depict the triumph of Christianity in the face of bitter persecution. The success of the Church carrying the gospel from Jerusalem to Rome and planting local churches demonstrates that it operates under the rule of the exalted Christ and through the power of the Holy Spirit.
‘But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be My witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth.’ (1:8). Just as the Holy Spirit empowered the first Christians in their witness, so He will do the same for us today!
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New report highlights progress on Church of England’s ambition to reach net zero carbon
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The story behind ‘To God be the Glory!’
By Fanny Crosby (1820 – 1915)
Tim Lenton on a major step in modern church history
The Second Vatican Council – when Latin moved over
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Cathedral statistics show continued recovery in 2023
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What issues most concern us?
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David Pickup, a solicitor, considers how things work.
The remarkable usefulness of Allen keys
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Bonfire Night – the Firework Code to keep your family safe
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Keep a close eye on your phone and bag
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The National Lottery Heritage Fund awards nearly £5 million for conservation in C of E
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Tim Lenton looks back on the life of the much-loved composer
Remembering the musical genius of Fauré
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When poverty pushes people into dark places
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Tim Lenton considers the author’s first major success
Thomas Hardy and ‘The Madding Crowd’
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The Rectory
St James the Least of All
My dear Nephew Darren
Since you were the one to ask this parishioner of yours to act as PCC secretary, you have no reason to complain about the minutes of meetings she produces. You should never let anyone act as a secretary unless they cannot speak English or are hard of hearing, and preferably, both. The more significant the committee and the more contentious the issues being debated, the more you should nobly put yourself forward both to chair the meeting and take the minutes. In the majority of cases, that will spare the other members that awkward moment when you ask for a volunteer, and they all feel the sudden need to stare at their feet.
If you act as secretary, then you can be certain that accounts of what took place will only be what you had wanted to happen and that the decisions taken will be what you had already decided before discussions started. Any inconvenient observations from other committee members can be omitted entirely.
Admittedly, the more observant may notice that your accounts of the meeting may not wholly agree with their recollections, but the skill of being a secretary is not to produce the minutes of the previous meeting until the day before the next one. This will mean that the great majority will have long forgotten what actually did happen two months previously, and that many will not have had the time to read them anyway and will avoid having to admit that fact by passing them.
Only the deeply committed will want to pursue apparent discrepancies. In that case, confess to the meeting that your hand-written notes were accidentally left on a bus and so you can no longer check the accuracy of what you have written. As a way of appearing helpful, you could even give the person challenging you the bus route number and time of day you travelled. Further challenges will rally the rest of the committee to your side, and soon someone will suggest you proceed to the next item on the agenda. Since you are also the chairman, you naturally bow to their request.
Just in the way that church rotas bear no resemblance to the people who actually turn up to do the jobs, minutes of meetings need not bear too much resemblance to what actually happened, especially if what did happen is inconvenient for you.
After all, democracy is all very well – provided a benign dictator is in overall control.
Your loving uncle, Eustace
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BOOK REVIEW
Making Your Church Sustainable – a Practical Guide
By Nigel Walter, Canterbury Press, £14.99
With pressure on budgets and soaring energy costs, this small book will be worth its weight in gold to every local church.
It offers expert advice that will equip non-professionals to make informed decisions on making their church buildings more sustainable, understand sustainability technologies, help navigate changing permission processes and thus save time and money – and serve the Anglican mark of mission to care for creation.
Nigel Walter demystifies the topic of sustainability and provides a wealth of practical advice and quick-wins. He includes guidance on: developing a plan that suits your church; improving your maintenance practices; alternative ways to heat your church; where and how to get professional help; and navigating the new permission processes.
A helpful appendix lists numerous sources of further advice and guidance. Comprehensive in scope, authoritative in content, practical in outlook and written in lively, accessible language, no church should be without a copy of this essential guide.
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All in the month of January.
It was:
400 years ago, on 13th Jan 1625 that Jan Brueghel the Elder, Flemish artist, died.
150 years ago, on 14th Jan 1875 that Albert Schweitzer, German theologian, philosopher, physician, musicologist, writer and humanitarian, was born. He won the Nobel Peace Prize in 1952.
100 years ago, on 3rd Jan 1925 that Benito Mussolini declared himself dictator of Italy.
90 years ago, on 8th Jan 1935 that Elvis Presley (‘The King’) was born. An American rock and roll singer, guitarist and actor, he died in 1977.
80 years ago, on 16th Jan 1945 that Adolf Hitler took up residence in the Fuhrerbunker, a subterranean bunker complex in the garden of the Reich Chancellery in Berlin. It became the headquarters of the Nazi regime, and he remained there for the rest of his life. He committed suicide there in April 1945.
Also 80 years ago, on 27th Jan 1945 that the Soviet Red Army liberated Auschwitz Concentration Camp in southern Poland. It was the largest Nazi concentration camp and at least 1.1 million prisoners died there.
Also 75 years ago, on 23rd Jan 1950 that Israel declared Jerusalem was its capital city. Palestine also claims it as its capital.
Also 60 years ago, on 24th Jan 1965 that Winston Churchill died. He was Prime Minister 1940-45 and again in 1955, and one of the greatest wartime leaders of the 20th century. He was named as ‘the greatest Briton of all time.’ He won the 1953 Nobel Prize for Literature “for his mastery of historical and biographical description as well as for brilliant oratory in defending exalted human values.”
40 years ago, on 1st Jan 1985 that the first mobile phone call in the UK was made by comedian Ernie Wise. He rang Vodafone’s head office in Newbury from St Katherine’s Docks in London.
Also 30 years ago, on 3rd Jan 1995 that the World Health Organisation (WHO) reported that the cumulative total reported AIDS cases had passed the one million mark, with cases in 192 countries. (Including unreported cases, the total was estimated to be about 4.5 million.)
25 years ago, on 1st Jan 2000 that the calendar switched over to the year 2000, with no major computer problems from the Y2K ‘Millennium Bug’.
15 years ago, on 4th Jan 2010 that the Burj Khalifa in Dubai opened. It is the world’s tallest structure, standing 2,722 feet (829.8 metres.)
Also 15 years ago, on 12th Jan 2010 that the Haiti earthquake took place. The capital, Port-au-Prince, was devastated and at least 100,000 people were killed and buried in mass graves.
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Smile Lines
In place of cabbage
On Sunday after the church service, a woman told the minister that when she had sent her husband to buy a cabbage for lunch, he had fallen and broken his leg. “That’s terrible!” said the minister. “What did you do?”
“I opened a can of peas,” she replied.
**
Old love
During a wedding the mother of the bride managed to keep from crying until she glanced at the grandparents. As the bride and groom took their vows, the grandmother had reached over to the grandfather’s wheelchair and was gently touching his hand. That was all it took to start the mother’s tears flowing. After the wedding, she went over to the grandmother and told her how that tender gesture triggered her outburst.
“Well, I’m sorry to ruin your moment,” the grandmother replied, “but I was just checking to see if he was still awake.”
**
Home Schooling
Back in the ‘good old days’, we didn’t appreciate how much education was given at home…
Our mothers taught us TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE: “If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.”
Our fathers taught us RELIGION: “You better pray that that will come out of the carpet.”
Our mothers taught us LOGIC: “If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the shops with me.”
Our fathers taught us MORE LOGIC: “Because I said so, that’s why.”
Our mothers taught us about CONTORTIONISM: “Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”
Our fathers taught us about the science of OSMOSIS: “Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”
Our mothers taught us about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION: “Stop acting like your father!”
Our mothers taught us about ESP: “Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?”
And finally, our fathers taught us about JUSTICE: “One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!”
**
Bible
A father was approached by his small son, who told him proudly, “I now know what the Bible means!” His father smiled and asked him to explain. “It’s easy. It stands for Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.”
**
Problem solving
There was a bishop, an archdeacon and a curate driving down a steep mountain road. The brakes failed and the car careened down the road out of control, nearly going over the cliff. They all got out, shaken by their narrow escape from death.
The bishop said: “To fix this problem we need to organize a committee, have meetings, and through the process of exchanging ideas, develop a solution.”
The archdeacon said, “No that would take too long. I will simply open the bonnet, isolate the problem and firmly correct it.”
The curate said, “Why don’t we push the car back up the hill and see if it happens again?”
**
The week after the month before
After a hectic December full of Christmas events at the church, the vicar went wearily into the chemist’s shop. He asked: “Have you got anything for laryngitis?”
The chemist replied: “Good morning, sir. What can I do for you?”
**
Visit
A parishioner called the vicar during a power-cut caused by a blizzard and said she urgently needed a pastoral home visit. “I’m sorry, but I can’t get out because of the heavy snow,” the vicar explained.
Unsatisfied, she barked, “But I can’t watch TV because the power is off! So what else am I supposed to do?”
**
Why universities would never give God a PhD
- He has had only one major publication, and it wasn’t even in English.
- It had no references.
- It wasn’t published in a refereed journal.
- Some even doubt He wrote it by Himself.
- Okay, He created the world, but what has He done since then?
- The scientific community has had a hard time replicating any of His results.
- He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human subjects.
- He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.
- Some say He had His son stand in for Him, to teach the class.
- He set only 10 requirements, but still all of His students have failed the exam.
**
Labels
I have my own system for labelling homemade freezer meals. I no longer bother with labels like ‘chicken casserole’ or ‘lasagne’ or ‘steak and ale pie’. Instead, I use ‘Whatever’, ‘Anything’, or ‘I Don’t Know.’ That way when I ask my family what they want for dinner, I always have it to hand.**
**
Sermon
The church warden asked the curate how she thought the church service had gone. The curate shrugged. “The music was excellent, and the prayers were relevant, but I wonder if my sermon ever really got off the ground.”
The church warden was sympathetic. “Never mind, it certainly taxied a long way.”
**
Collection
A minister in a rural church had been having trouble with the collections. One Sunday he announced, “Now, before we pass the collection plate, I would like to request that the person who stole the chickens from our local farm please refrain from giving any money to the Lord. The Lord doesn’t want money from a thief!”
The collection plate was passed around and for the first time in months, everybody gave.
**
Good idea
A young theologian, fresh out of university, thought it would help him better understand the world if he served as a policeman before going on for ordination. At the police interview he was asked: “What would you do to disperse a frenzied crowd?”
He promptly responded, “I would pass around an offering plate.” He got the job.
**
Waiting
After 40 years of living in various damp and cold vicarages, we retired and were finally able to move into our own home. It took several weeks to settle in, but then we were nearly done – just waiting for the arrival of the new couch and chairs.
As the delivery truck pulled into the driveway, I hastened to welcome it. “Finally!” I exclaimed, flinging open the front door. “I’ve been waiting for years for this!”
“Don’t blame me, lady,” he retorted. “I only got the order this morning.”