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Paul Hardingham continues his new series.
What’s the Big Idea? An Introduction to the Books of the Old Testament:
1 and 2 Samuel.
1 and 2 Samuel was originally a single work, which focuses on Samuel, Saul and David, around 1,000 BC, mid-way between Abraham and Jesus. It was Samuel who established the monarchy in Israel after the period of the judges. He was commanded by God to give the people a king, although their request is seen as a rejection of God’s rule over Israel (8:7).
The people simply wanted to be like other nations, however their king was still subject to God’s law and the word of the prophet. Although Samuel anointed Saul, he soon showed an unwillingness to submit to these requirements, leading to his rejection as king (15:23). God chose David as Saul’s successor, and 1 Samuel depicts David’s years of waiting until the right time arrived to claim the throne.
2 Samuel depicts David’s rule, in which the nation prospers and its enemies are defeated. The promise of the perfect king is fulfilled in Jesus Himself, as David’s descendant. The second half of the book depicts the darker side of David’s reign, describing his weaknesses and failures, including his adultery with Bathsheba and the rebellion of his son Absalom.
Nevertheless, David remained a man after God’s own heart: ‘The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.’ (1 Samuel 16:7). The characters in this book are not always great examples of faith, however, ‘They do not show us how we should live but how in fact we do live, authenticating the reality of our daily experience as the stuff that God uses to work his purposes of salvation in us and in the world.’ (Eugene Peterson).
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Prospect of winter energy bills causing anxiety for millions, says Archbishop of York
Millions are looking ahead to this winter with ‘fear and anxiety’ about the cost of heating their homes, the Archbishop of York has said as he backed the recent launch of a campaign to provide a network of warm spaces for people who struggle to pay their energy bills.
Archbishop Stephen Cottrell is encouraging churches to consider getting involved in the Warm Welcome campaign, a network of venues from community centres to churches providing warm spaces over the winter for people struggling to heat their homes
.
Archbishop Stephen said: “Sadly, what began as a cost-of-living crisis has simply become the new normal for many.
“Millions of people will look ahead to this winter with fear and anxiety, wondering how they are going to cope with high living costs. That is why I am proud to endorse the Warm Welcome campaign this winter.
“But a warm welcome isn’t only about the temperature. It is about kindness and community, giving people the chance to be seen and known, to belong and to be part of something. It is about celebrating the God-given value and dignity of every single person, finding hope and community together. But of course, none of that will happen if people are cold.”
The Warm Welcome campaign is led by a coalition of over 50 charitable organisations who joined together in response to the cost of living crisis to provide emergency support to communities struggling to pay for rising food costs and to heat their homes.
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The mysterious ways of mistletoe
Mistletoe has long been used as part of our Christmas decorations. It is not your usual kind of plant.
Instead, it is hemiparasitic, meaning that although its leaves enable it to feed itself through photosynthesis, its roots invade the host tree or shrub to extract water and other nutrients
.
Mistletoe loves living in apple, lime, hawthorn, poplar or oak trees. You may spot it high up, as a large globe, on the bare trees in winter. There is one spectacular example in Windsor Great Park, clearly visible from the path on the opposite side of the Thames
.
Mistletoe’s berries are almost translucent, fleshy and sticky. They form in the forks of mistletoe’s many branches. While they are toxic to humans, they are attractive to birds, who wipe the remaining seeds off their beaks onto the nearest branch, which of course helps the plant to spread.
For some reason, Romans thought mistletoe represented Peace, Love and Understanding. Perhaps that is how it got into our Christmas celebrations? The earliest documentary evidence for kissing under mistletoe dates from the 16th century, but we don’t know who got kissed first.
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Doctor Livingstone, I presume?
It was 150 years ago, on 10th November 1871, that Welsh journalist and explorer Henry Morton Stanley located the missing missionary Dr David Livingstone near Lake Tanganyika, in present-day Tanzania. He may or may not have greeted him with the words: “Doctor Livingstone, I presume?”
Stanley’s real name was John Rowlands. He was born in Denbigh to an unmarried 18-year-old who abandoned him. He ended up in a workhouse until he was 15, then went to America, where he changed his name and became an American citizen. When he found Livingstone, he was working for the New York Herald.
Known for his strength of will, Stanley also had an African name – Bula Matari – Breaker of Rocks. Much of his life was spent in Central Africa, and his reputation was mixed: he was said by some to be violent toward Africans, but by others to have treated them well. His feats as an explorer were impressive: he played a big part in locating the true source of both the Nile and the Congo, and he helped open up the Congo on behalf of King Leopold of Belgium.
Though not overtly religious, he felt he was engaged in a “sacred task”. He was re-naturalised a British subject in 1892, following his marriage.
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All in the month of March
It was:
300 years ago, on 8th March 1723 that Sir Christopher Wren, English architect, died. Best known for designing St Paul’s Cathedral.
125 years ago, on 16th March 1898 that Aubrey Beardsley, British illustrator, died. His black ink drawings, influenced by Japanese woodcuts, contributed to the development of Art Nouveau.
100 years ago, on 4th March 1923 that Patrick Moore, the amateur astronomer, TV presenter, writer and musician was born. Best known for presenting the TV astronomy show The Sky at Night for over 50 years. (Died 2012)
80 years ago, on 13th March 1943 that the final liquidation of Krakow Ghetto in Poland took place. 8,000 Jews were transported to Plaszow labour camp, 2000 more were simply killed in the streets, and the rest were sent to Auschwitz.
70 years ago, on 19th March 1953 that the Academy Awards ceremony (the Oscars) were televised for the first time.
Also 70 years ago, on 26th March 1953 that Dr Jonas Salk announced that he had completed the first small-scale test of a polio vaccine. Larger tests began in February 1954, and mass vaccinations began in April 1955.
65 years ago, on 2nd March 1958 that the first land crossing of Antarctica was completed by the Commonwealth Trans-Antarctic Expedition, led by Vivian Fuchs. The team of 12 men travelled 2,158 miles from Shackleton Base to Scott Base (via the South Pole) in 99 days, using six vehicles.
60 years ago, on 22nd March 1963 that the British Secretary of State for War, John Profumo, made a statement in the House of Commons in which he denied there was any impropriety in his relationship with Christine Keeler, a model who was also in a sexual relationship with a drug dealer and a Soviet naval attaché. (In June he admitted he had lied, and resigned.)
50 years ago, on 8th March 1973 that the citizens of Northern Ireland voted in a referendum to remain within the United Kingdom. That same day the IRA carried out its first bombing in Britain since WWII, planting car bombs in London. One person died, 200 were injured.
40 years ago, on 6th March 1983 that Donald Maclean, British-born Soviet spy died. He was a member of the Cambridge Spy Ring.
Also 40 years ago, on 26th March 1983, that Anthony Blunt, British art historian and Soviet spy, died.
25 years ago, on 16th March 1998 that Rwanda began mass trials for the country’s 1994 genocide. There were 125,000 suspects for 500,000 murders.
20 years ago, on 1st March 2003 that Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, the al-Qaeda terrorist who masterminded the 9/11 attacks on the USA, was captured in Pakistan.
Also 20 years ago, on 12th March 2003 that the World Health Organisation issued a global alert about a severe form of pneumonia (now known as Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome – SARS) that was affecting people in China, Hong Kong and Vietnam.
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Isherwood Hall. (The original hall)
Tables and chairs are available.
Click to edit block quote. What quote or client recommendation really sums up your business? 
Pauline & Bob - co-editors..
Updated 1st May 2026
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May 2026 Magazine
Country’s most deprived parishes receive over £22m investment across three dioceses
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Record number of young adults join ministry experience year
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ArchaeoMargam Open Day Celebrates Landmark Discovery of Roman Villa
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Disability Project awarded £5 million in funding
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House of Bishops shares letter as Living in Love and Faith approaches conclusion
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Church Roof Update.
Even with the scaffolding erected at both ends of the church, progress was slow during the last weeks of March into April, this being due to the high winds and occasional heavy rain making it unsafe to be working at a height.
The Stone work at the extreme east end of the new building, 'called the water table' was repointed, some of the gaps between the stones being larger than had appeared from the ground.
The chimney (which I have found out not many people knew existed !!) had served the original 1958 coke fired boiler and then later gas boilers until the latest gas boilers were fitted, which did not need the chimney. There have been several water ingress problems with the chimney over the years so removal would cure this. The chimney has been removed, but the way the roof had been designed around the chimney meant that an unforeseen hole appeared in the roof which allowed plaster to fall into the chancel area. The hole was filled with new timber and second hand slates to match the originals were fitted. You would never know a chimney had been there!!!
As I type this the contractor is proceeding with removing all the rotten gully and associated timber.
Bob Willis
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QUIZ TIME
QUIZ Saturday 18th April
For the first time in many years, we held a Quiz and Pie and Peas lunch in church on Saturday 18th April at 12 noon.
This was organised by Christine Marchant and her daughter Sarah and was dedicated to Christine’s husband, Brian, who died suddenly in November last year.
It was a very enjoyable afternoon, with quiz questions a bit out of the ordinary, including a music round where we had to identify well known Beatles songs, but played backwards!!! Not as easy as it sounds!!
A big thank you to Christine and Sarah for their hard work in setting the quiz, and to Smiths Butchers who supplied the pies and peas… they were really good!
Keep a look out for the next quiz, later in the year…
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May 2026 Diary Page
Bible Study (via Zoom) Every Wednesday at 7pm during term time
Prayer meeting first Monday in the Month 7pm in church.
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PILGRIMAGE – The Road to Holy Island
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Why we should be like donkeys
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By the Revd Roy Shaw, a retired but active priest in the diocese of York, where he is a spiritual director.
Mothering Sunday
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15th March – Mothers and children
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Two donkeys
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Dog walkers now face unlimited fines if pets chase livestock
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Earth Hour 2026 – a time to turn off your lights
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May 2026 Crossword
CLUES
Across
1 Overpowered (Deuteronomy 11) (11)
9 ‘The — are mantled with corn’ (Psalm 65) (7)
10 ‘Each man—a sword to his side’ (Exodus 32) (5)
11 The curtain in the temple was torn from— to bottom (Matthew 27) (3)
13 Stagger (Isaiah 28) (4)
16 ‘The good he ought——and doesn’t do it, sins’ (James 4) (2,2)
17 Stir up or provoke (Acts13) (6)
18 Burden (Luke11) (4)
20 ‘As far as the east is from the—, ’ (Psalm 103) (4)
21 Sign (Luke23) (6)
22 ‘And began to—his disciples’ feet’ (John 13) (4)
23 The nature of the seven ears of corn (Genesis 41) (4)
25 Has (anag.) (3)
28 ‘This is the account of Shem, Ham and Japheth, —sons’ (Genesis 10) (5)
29 ‘So that they...sleep for—and— awake’ (Jeremiah 51) (4,3)
30 Paul said of him, ‘he often refreshes me’ (2 Timothy 1) (11)
Down
2 Worth (Matthew 13) (5)
3 ‘A bruised — He will not break’ (Matthew 12) (4)
4 ‘A great company of the heavenly — appeared with the angel’ (Luke 2) (4)
5 Slip (anag.) (4)
6 ‘Take an awl and push it through his — — into the door,’ (Deuteronomy 15) (3,4)
7 Bountiful (2 Corinthians 8) (11)
8 ‘Therefore, as we have —, let us do good to all people’ (Galatians 6) (11)
12 Acquire (2 Timothy 2) (6)
14 Container cover (Numbers 19) (3)
15 ‘Even death on——!’ (Philippians 2) (1,5)
19 Refrain (1 Peter2) (7)
20 ‘She began to—his feet with her tears’ (Luke 7) (3)
24 One who worships Brahma, Vishnu or Shiva (5)
25 ‘Give to everyone who—you’ (Luke6) (4)
26 ‘Where does my—come from?’ (Psalm 121) (4)
27 One of those whom the Lord said would be taken from Jerusalem and Judah as judgment on them (Isaiah 3) (4)
Answers to April Crossword
ACROSS: 1, Cosmic. 4, Thomas. 8, In his. 9, Delaiah. 10, Falwell.
11, Water. 12, Recovered. 17, Sidon. 19, Radiant. 21, Centaur.
22, Broil. 23, Eleven. 24, Prison.
DOWN: 1, Cliffs. 2, Scholar. 3, Issue. 5, Holy war. 6, Moist.
7, Sphere. 9, Deliverer. 13, Candace. 14, Deacons. 15, Psyche.
16, Stolen. 18, Dance. 20, Debar.
Winner Peter Warren
Crosswords reproduced by kind permission of BRF and John Capon, originally published in Three Down, Nine Across, by John Capon (£6.99 BRF)
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May 2026 Anagrams
WORKS OF REFERENCE
Compiled by Peter Warren
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April Anagram Answers
KITCHEN TOOLS:
Winner: Wyn
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May 2026 Soduko Puzzle
April Sodoku Solution
Winners Jack Thompson
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Poverty, the care crisis and mental health – Synod discusses modern challenges
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£8.7 million a year – how much churches in a single community give the nation
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The Revd Dr Jo White continues her series on aspects of Christianity.
Reflected Faith Series: The Creed (part 1)
There are various sections that make up a Communion service. While different denominations, and different styles of churches even within the same denomination, may do things differently, generally speaking they all include the same foundational elements.
So, after the Bible readings, and then sermon, what follows next?
In Common Worship (CW) we ‘immediately’ jump to our feet and proclaim our faith!
If you follow the Book of Common Prayer (BCP), the Creed comes between the Gospel reading and the sermon – which is my excuse for forgetting to say it more than once when I’ve conducted the latter service first (if you get what I mean) on a Sunday morning.
The question is, ‘Why is it placed here?’ Wouldn’t it make more sense to have it at or close to the beginning of a service; so that we can be sure everyone in the congregation is on the same page, so to speak.
Or why not at the end, just before we go out into the world taking our faith with us? Why here?
When (BCP) it follows directly after the Gospel reading, it’s as though having heard the words of Jesus we rush to say ‘I believe that. I believe in who said it. And I believe in … etc etc.’ Rather like after your favourite team has scored a goal!
Where we’ve had the sermon first (CW), it’s as though the ‘explanation and contextualisation’ by the preacher makes it so plain that we can do nothing less than join together and reaffirm our baptismal faith.
This month
Pause for a moment before you say the Creed next time and consider where in your service it is placed. What has encouraged you to be able to say it from your heart? Was there a word, phrase or sentence that particularly gripped you and prompted you to your feet? Or was it just words written on the service sheet with a direction to stand?
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Canon Paul Hardingham considers the crowds of Jerusalem…
The Way of the Cross
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Canon Paul Hardingham continues his series on the books of the Bible, which will run until the end of 2025.
What’s the Big Idea? – An Introduction to the
books of the Old Testament: Ezekiel.
Ezekiel was a prophet who proclaimed judgment to God’s people in the 6th century BC. He was among the group of Jews exiled in Babylon by Nebuchadnezzar. Ezekiel received his call when he was 30 years old through a vision of the glory of God. His ministry finished 22 years later with a vision of the restored Temple in Jerusalem.
Ezekiel spoke to a community forced from its home, who had broken faith with God. He presents a God who rules over all people and history. He is a God who desires to be known and acknowledged (‘then they will know that I am the Lord’). As a priest, Ezekiel was deeply concerned with the holiness of God. This call to holy living includes an emphasis on individual responsibility (chapter 18), which is a significant milestone in biblical thought.
Ezekiel offers a vision of true hope for those who have undergone judgment. He promises a restored Temple as a sign of God’s presence among his people. He also promises a future ‘prince’ who will rule with justice and restore God’s relationship with his people (34:23-4).
In restoring them morally and spiritually, God promises to use them to bring light to the Gentiles. They will demonstrate the holiness of God’s name, because they will know him from the heart. This is the promise that is fulfilled in Jesus and made possible for us:
‘I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws.’ (36: 26-27).
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Remembering the Dunblane Massacre
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Afternoon tea, anyone?
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Canon Paul Hardingham begins a seven-part series. This will run until the July issue.
The Seven Deadly Sins: Lust
‘Lust is the craving for salt by a man who is dying of thirst’ (Frederick Beucher).
This month’s Deadly Sin is lust. It is usually understood as an intense desire for sexual pleasure, but can include other things eg food, success or fame. Objectifying a person for our own selfish pleasure can leave us feeling guilty, ashamed or disappointed. Our relationship with God is spoilt, as we create an area of life which is not under God’s authority. As Jesus says: ‘You have heard that it was said, “You shall not commit adultery.” But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.’ (Matthew 5:27,28).
How can we deal with lust in our lives?
Confess it to God: ‘If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.’ (1 John 1:9). Lust feeds on secrecy, yet God already knows our thoughts and desires. Focus on Jesus, who loves and accepts us for who we are. Confess our desires to Him, knowing that He wants to cleanse us of our sin.
Renew your Mind: ‘Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is – His good, pleasing and perfect will.’ (Romans 12:2). Overcoming lust requires an understanding of our thinking. We need to acknowledge when lust affects us, understand the triggers for our thoughts (circumstances, time) and address them by asking for God’s strength to overcome them.
‘Lust is a poor, weak, whispering thing compared with that richness and energy of desire which will arise when lust has been killed.’ (CS Lewis).
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Crufts 2026 – bigger than ever
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By Tim Lenton
Remembering the Hindenburg
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Granny retired? You’ve got to be kidding….
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The Rectory
St James the Least of All
My dear Nephew Darren
So, you are beginning to plan your first Summer Fete in your new parish. That you appear to be looking forward to it shows how little you know about them.
Parishes hold Summer Fetes so that their clergy can preach more meaningfully on purgatory. Their ostensible purpose is to raise money for the church – which is wholly illogical. The parish could double the money raised if the Fete were dropped, none of the endless preparations made, if everyone spent a pleasant afternoon in their own gardens and each person simply donated £20 to the church instead. But we still feel obliged to go to endless trouble, making ourselves miserable so we can show each other what a good time we are having. That it generally pours seems to make the entire event even more grimly satisfying.
No, the real reasons for a Summer Fete are twofold. First, it gives the entire parish the chance to inspect the Rector’s garden. Whatever state it is in, it will cause disapproval. If it is poorly kept, then I am clearly being ungrateful for having three acres of lawn to enjoy. Mowing it each week should be one of my delights; what else would I do with a whole day off each week anyway? The hand mower, kindly given by Colonel French is assumed to be quite adequate – and rumour has it that I need to lose weight anyway. The mower was presented to me when the Colonel bought his own gardener a sit-on motor mower – which is of a size and opulence that makes me assume it has a drinks cabinet and satellite navigation.
The second reason for a Fete comes as a special perk for the organisers. It gives them a chance to inspect the inside of the Rectory. Under the pretence of looking for a little more sugar, they can systematically inspect all the kitchen cupboards and comment on their contents. By the end of the day, the whole parish will know what marmalade I spread on my toast, that I use unnecessarily expensive washing powder, and where I have unsuccessfully tried to hide the gin.
The details of what then happens while the Fete is in progress must wait until my next letter, when we will have had our own. It is now time for Evensong, drinks with Major Mallet and his wife, and then a quiet evening with a good book, while I toy with other possible hiding places for the gin this year.
Your loving uncle,
Eustace
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BOOK REVIEW
Hallelujah! – The History of Contemporary Worship in 100 Songs
By Les Moir, SPCK, £19.99
From How Great Thou Art to The Blessing, Hallelujah invites you on a journey through 100 of the world’s most beloved worship songs – songs that have shaped church life and personal devotion over the last 50 years.
Inside, you’ll find the full lyrics to each song, along with the remarkable stories behind them: how they were written, what inspired them, and why they continue to resonate with worshippers around the world. Whether you’re rediscovering old favourites or exploring new ones, this book will deepen your appreciation for the songs that move your soul.
Each song entry also features a QR code, giving you instant access to:
– Classic and contemporary performances on YouTube
– Printable chord charts for every song, perfect for musicians and worship leaders
More than a songbook, Hallelujah is a companion for anyone who wants to understand, play, and live the worship they love.
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All in the month of May.
It was:
400 years ago, on 4th May 1626 that the Dutch explorer Peter Minuit arrived on the east coast of what is now the USA. He negotiated the purchase of Manhattan Island from the Lenape Native Americans for $24 worth of cloth and buttons. (Equal to about $1,150 today.)
300 years ago, on 25th May 1726 that the world’s first Circulating Library (lending library) was launched by Scottish poet and bookseller Allan Ramsay at his bookshop in Edinburgh.
250 years ago, on 4th May 1776 that Rhode Island became the first of the Thirteen Colonies to renounce allegiance to the British Crown and instead, to declare independence.
175 years ago, from 1st May to 15th October 1851 that the Great Exhibition was held in The Crystal Palace, Hyde Park. More than 10,000 exhibitors attended what is regarded as the first World’s Fair.
100 years ago, on 4th to 12th May 1926 that the UK’s General Strike was held. The Trade Union Congress (TUC) called a General Strike in support of 1.2 million coal miners. The strike lasted nine days, and had little effect.
90 years ago, on 7th May 1936 that British aviator Amy Johnson made the fastest-ever (at that time) solo flight from England to Cape Town.
Also 90 years ago, on 27th May 1936 that the RMS Queen Mary began her maiden voyage, sailing from Southampton to New York.
75 years ago, on 3rd May 1951 that the Festival of Britain and the Royal Festival Hall in London were opened.
Also 75 years ago, on 9th May 1951 that the Lake District National Park was established as Britain’s second national park.
Also 75 years ago, on 25th May 1951 that British spies Guy Burgess and Donald Maclean fled to Moscow. They were members of the infamous Cambridge spy ring.
70 years ago, on 24th May 1956 that the first Eurovision Song Contest was held in Lugano, Switzerland. It was won by Switzerland.
65 years ago, on 31st May 1961 that Michael Ramsay became Archbishop of Canterbury (until 1974).
60 years ago, on 6th May 1966 that the Moors Murderers Ian Brady and Myra Hindley were sentenced to life imprisonment for killing five girls, aged 10 to 17.
40 years ago, on 9th May 1986 that Tenzing Norgay (Sherpa Tenzing), died. This Tibetan/Nepalese mountaineer had been with Sir Edmund Hillary of New Zealand when in 1953 they became the first people to reach the summit of Mount Everest.
30 years ago, on 30th May 1996 that the Duke and Duchess of York (Prince Andrew and Sarah Ferguson) were divorced after ten years of marriage.
15 years ago, on 2nd May 2011 that Osama bin Laden, Saudi Arabian-born terrorist, was shot dead by US forces in Pakistan. He was the founder of Al-Qaeda and is thought to have masterminded the 9/11 attacks on the USA.
10 years ago, on 31st May 2016 that Carla Lane, TV screenwriter, died. Best remembered for creating the sitcoms The Liver Birds, Butterflies, and Bread.
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Smile Lines
Notices found in church newsletters – that didn’t quite come out right!
Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of the vicar’s sermons.
The Rector will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing: ‘Break Forth Into Joy.’
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married last weekend in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their schooldays.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
Ladies are requested not to have children in the church kitchen.
Don’t let worry kill you. Let the church help!
The organist invites any members of the congregation who enjoy sinning to volunteer for the choir.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick both of our church and the community.
Smile at someone who you find hard to love. Say ‘hell ’ to someone who doesn’t much care about you.
**
Seize the day
Today is the oldest you’ve ever been, yet the youngest you’ll ever be, so enjoy this day while it lasts.
**
I know
I’m not bossy. I just know what you should be doing.
**
Short-staffed
Two men were working for the town council. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one man digging a hole, the other filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn’t understand what they were doing. So he finally approached the hole digger, “I’m impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don’t get it – why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?”
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, “Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we’re normally a three-person team. But today the guy who plants the trees called in sick.”
**
Look back
Someday we’ll look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.
**
What the Bible really means….
A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, “I know what the Bible means, Daddy.”
His father smiled “Okay. What does the Bible mean? “It’s easy, Daddy.” the young boy replied excitedly, “It stands for ‘Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.’
**
Breakable
There was a very gracious lady who was posting an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country. “Is there anything breakable in here?” asked the postal clerk.
“Only the Ten Commandments,” answered the lady.
**
Morning prayer
“Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, “Good morning, Lord,” And there are those who wake up in the morning and say, “Good Lord, it’s morning.”
**
Money
There is the story of a minister who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: “I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building programme. The bad news is, it’s still out there in your pockets.”
**
What God is like
A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, “Boys and girls, what do we know about God?”
“He is an artist!” said the little boy.
“Really? How do you know?” the teacher asked.
“You know – Our Father, who does art in Heaven… “
**
Jubilant
After several synonyms had been given for the word jubilant, one little boy added: ‘Oh I know what it means now – it’s like jubilant delinquency!’
**
Golf
Golfer to caddy: “Why didn’t you watch where my ball went?”
Caddy to golfer: “I’m so sorry. Your ball doesn’t usually go anywhere, so this took me completely by surprise.”
**
Prodigal
Prodigal son – one who left his home behind but took everything else.
**
Who’s been good?
A father of five young children won a toy at a raffle. Back home, he called his children together to let them determine which one should have the present. “Who is the most obedient?” he asked. “Who never talks back to Mother? Who does everything she says?”
Five small voices answered in unison: “You, Daddy!”
**
Love
Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I drive by again?
**
Swear
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
**
Nine
I was meeting a friend in a restaurant and as I went in, I noticed two pretty girls looking at me. “Nine,” I heard one whisper as I passed. Feeling pleased with myself, I swaggered over to my buddy and told him a girl had just rated me a nine out of ten. “I don’t want to ruin it for you,” he said, “but when I walked in, they were speaking German.”
**
When technology goes wrong
The father of a family – who was a big-time techie – got his oldest daughter an iPhone for her birthday. He also got an iPad for his son. Later he bought an iPod for the youngest daughter. Then, when his wedding anniversary rolled around, he got his wife an iRon. That’s when things went wrong.
**
Geraniums
A man burst into a flower shop and urgently demanded two pink potted geraniums. The clerk explained that they did not have any, but could offer him African violets instead. ”No,” said the man sadly. “It was geraniums that my wife told me to water while she was gone.”
**
How to get rid of squirrels
Three churches in town were overrun with squirrels.
After much prayer, the elders of the Baptist church decided that the animals were predestined to be there. Who were they to interfere with God’s will? So, they did nothing, and the squirrels multiplied.
The elders of the Methodist church, deciding that they should not harm any of God’s creatures, humanely trapped the squirrels and then set them free outside of town. Three days later the squirrels were back.
It was the Anglican church which succeeded in solving the squirrel problem. The curate baptised the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now, they only see the squirrels on Christmas and Easter.
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My decision-making skills closely resemble that of a squirrel crossing the street.
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