Paul Hardingham continues his new series.
What’s the Big Idea? An Introduction to the Books of the Old Testament:
1 and 2 Samuel.
1 and 2 Samuel was originally a single work, which focuses on Samuel, Saul and David, around 1,000 BC, mid-way between Abraham and Jesus. It was Samuel who established the monarchy in Israel after the period of the judges. He was commanded by God to give the people a king, although their request is seen as a rejection of God’s rule over Israel (8:7).
The people simply wanted to be like other nations, however their king was still subject to God’s law and the word of the prophet. Although Samuel anointed Saul, he soon showed an unwillingness to submit to these requirements, leading to his rejection as king (15:23). God chose David as Saul’s successor, and 1 Samuel depicts David’s years of waiting until the right time arrived to claim the throne.
2 Samuel depicts David’s rule, in which the nation prospers and its enemies are defeated. The promise of the perfect king is fulfilled in Jesus Himself, as David’s descendant. The second half of the book depicts the darker side of David’s reign, describing his weaknesses and failures, including his adultery with Bathsheba and the rebellion of his son Absalom.
Nevertheless, David remained a man after God’s own heart: ‘The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.’ (1 Samuel 16:7). The characters in this book are not always great examples of faith, however, ‘They do not show us how we should live but how in fact we do live, authenticating the reality of our daily experience as the stuff that God uses to work his purposes of salvation in us and in the world.’ (Eugene Peterson).
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Prospect of winter energy bills causing anxiety for millions, says Archbishop of York
Millions are looking ahead to this winter with ‘fear and anxiety’ about the cost of heating their homes, the Archbishop of York has said as he backed the recent launch of a campaign to provide a network of warm spaces for people who struggle to pay their energy bills.
Archbishop Stephen Cottrell is encouraging churches to consider getting involved in the Warm Welcome campaign, a network of venues from community centres to churches providing warm spaces over the winter for people struggling to heat their homes
.
Archbishop Stephen said: “Sadly, what began as a cost-of-living crisis has simply become the new normal for many.
“Millions of people will look ahead to this winter with fear and anxiety, wondering how they are going to cope with high living costs. That is why I am proud to endorse the Warm Welcome campaign this winter.
“But a warm welcome isn’t only about the temperature. It is about kindness and community, giving people the chance to be seen and known, to belong and to be part of something. It is about celebrating the God-given value and dignity of every single person, finding hope and community together. But of course, none of that will happen if people are cold.”
The Warm Welcome campaign is led by a coalition of over 50 charitable organisations who joined together in response to the cost of living crisis to provide emergency support to communities struggling to pay for rising food costs and to heat their homes.
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The mysterious ways of mistletoe
Mistletoe has long been used as part of our Christmas decorations. It is not your usual kind of plant.
Instead, it is hemiparasitic, meaning that although its leaves enable it to feed itself through photosynthesis, its roots invade the host tree or shrub to extract water and other nutrients
.
Mistletoe loves living in apple, lime, hawthorn, poplar or oak trees. You may spot it high up, as a large globe, on the bare trees in winter. There is one spectacular example in Windsor Great Park, clearly visible from the path on the opposite side of the Thames
.
Mistletoe’s berries are almost translucent, fleshy and sticky. They form in the forks of mistletoe’s many branches. While they are toxic to humans, they are attractive to birds, who wipe the remaining seeds off their beaks onto the nearest branch, which of course helps the plant to spread.
For some reason, Romans thought mistletoe represented Peace, Love and Understanding. Perhaps that is how it got into our Christmas celebrations? The earliest documentary evidence for kissing under mistletoe dates from the 16th century, but we don’t know who got kissed first.
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Doctor Livingstone, I presume?
It was 150 years ago, on 10th November 1871, that Welsh journalist and explorer Henry Morton Stanley located the missing missionary Dr David Livingstone near Lake Tanganyika, in present-day Tanzania. He may or may not have greeted him with the words: “Doctor Livingstone, I presume?”
Stanley’s real name was John Rowlands. He was born in Denbigh to an unmarried 18-year-old who abandoned him. He ended up in a workhouse until he was 15, then went to America, where he changed his name and became an American citizen. When he found Livingstone, he was working for the New York Herald.
Known for his strength of will, Stanley also had an African name – Bula Matari – Breaker of Rocks. Much of his life was spent in Central Africa, and his reputation was mixed: he was said by some to be violent toward Africans, but by others to have treated them well. His feats as an explorer were impressive: he played a big part in locating the true source of both the Nile and the Congo, and he helped open up the Congo on behalf of King Leopold of Belgium.
Though not overtly religious, he felt he was engaged in a “sacred task”. He was re-naturalised a British subject in 1892, following his marriage.
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All in the month of March
It was:
300 years ago, on 8th March 1723 that Sir Christopher Wren, English architect, died. Best known for designing St Paul’s Cathedral.
125 years ago, on 16th March 1898 that Aubrey Beardsley, British illustrator, died. His black ink drawings, influenced by Japanese woodcuts, contributed to the development of Art Nouveau.
100 years ago, on 4th March 1923 that Patrick Moore, the amateur astronomer, TV presenter, writer and musician was born. Best known for presenting the TV astronomy show The Sky at Night for over 50 years. (Died 2012)
80 years ago, on 13th March 1943 that the final liquidation of Krakow Ghetto in Poland took place. 8,000 Jews were transported to Plaszow labour camp, 2000 more were simply killed in the streets, and the rest were sent to Auschwitz.
70 years ago, on 19th March 1953 that the Academy Awards ceremony (the Oscars) were televised for the first time.
Also 70 years ago, on 26th March 1953 that Dr Jonas Salk announced that he had completed the first small-scale test of a polio vaccine. Larger tests began in February 1954, and mass vaccinations began in April 1955.
65 years ago, on 2nd March 1958 that the first land crossing of Antarctica was completed by the Commonwealth Trans-Antarctic Expedition, led by Vivian Fuchs. The team of 12 men travelled 2,158 miles from Shackleton Base to Scott Base (via the South Pole) in 99 days, using six vehicles.
60 years ago, on 22nd March 1963 that the British Secretary of State for War, John Profumo, made a statement in the House of Commons in which he denied there was any impropriety in his relationship with Christine Keeler, a model who was also in a sexual relationship with a drug dealer and a Soviet naval attaché. (In June he admitted he had lied, and resigned.)
50 years ago, on 8th March 1973 that the citizens of Northern Ireland voted in a referendum to remain within the United Kingdom. That same day the IRA carried out its first bombing in Britain since WWII, planting car bombs in London. One person died, 200 were injured.
40 years ago, on 6th March 1983 that Donald Maclean, British-born Soviet spy died. He was a member of the Cambridge Spy Ring.
Also 40 years ago, on 26th March 1983, that Anthony Blunt, British art historian and Soviet spy, died.
25 years ago, on 16th March 1998 that Rwanda began mass trials for the country’s 1994 genocide. There were 125,000 suspects for 500,000 murders.
20 years ago, on 1st March 2003 that Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, the al-Qaeda terrorist who masterminded the 9/11 attacks on the USA, was captured in Pakistan.
Also 20 years ago, on 12th March 2003 that the World Health Organisation issued a global alert about a severe form of pneumonia (now known as Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome – SARS) that was affecting people in China, Hong Kong and Vietnam.
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Tables and chairs are available.
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March 2025 Magazine
Another selection from 'Parish Pump' .
Pauline & Bob - co-editors..
Updated 1st March 2025
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The parish Pump team.
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Dear Friends,
I saw Jesus face-to-face last week. Well, I was visiting the National Gallery of Scotland. There, amongst its many masterpieces, is El Greco’s Christ Blessing. The painting is in the traditional iconic style of the Pantocrator. The word pantocrator means all powerful or almighty. The best-known Pantocrator icon of Jesus Christ Pantocrator is in Hagia Sophia, Istanbul, which has been a model for many others. The El Greco’s Christ Blessing is of this type, yet unlike the Christ of Istanbul, who is full of majesty and authority, El Greco’s Jesus has a rather melancholy look.
When Christ gazed into my eyes, I felt that as if He were saddened and disappointed. Christ is set against a black background, without any halo, and lacks any royal robe. Instead, He is in a crimson robe with a blue shawl, partly round his left shoulder, whilst His face is thin and somehow gaunt. It all puts me in mind of His earthly suffering. But this is not all. El Greco’s use of the white colour around Jesus’ head skilfully to convey a sense of divine light, as if He has emerged from a dark tomb. The light radiates from Him and will soon illuminate the whole world – for look, His left hand rests on the globe as He raises His right in blessing.
It was very inspiring to behold such a gaze of the Messiah, to let Him gaze through me, and let His light shine upon me. Yet as I gazed back, I realized His sadness and disappointment is not a rebuke to the viewer, for the Lord always acknowledges the weakness and frailty, the failures and struggles of humankind. He is grieving for me and for all humanity and for the whole world. His gaze reveals His compassion and graciousness. He looks deeply into my soul and raises His right hand in a gesture of blessing: even though I have not come up to what He expects of me. He still offers His divine strength and protection to me and to you. This is our Saviour and He offers us His divine blessing.
This experience, though it was unexpected and occurred spontaneously while visiting the gallery, is in part a traditional Christian spiritual discipline – known as Praying with icons. Prayer with icons has been a tradition of Eastern Orthodox and of the Roman Catholic Churches. But in recent years, more and more Christians, such as those of our own Church, have begun to adopt this way of prayer. Icons are a particular type of painting. The Eastern Orthodox believe that since God assumed material form in the person of 
Jesus Christ, He can be represented appropriately in images. Thus, icons are not painted as works of art to hang in galleries, rather they are considered an essential part of the Church and are given special liturgical veneration. Because they are images of the sacred, they are felt to connect us with the holy, and are seen as windows through which we are able to enter a spiritual realm. Icons, in short, invite us to participate in the beauty and mystery of God. For many, they have proved an effective way to grow spiritually. My experience in the National Gallery of Scotland proves it.
Generations of Christians have explored many ways of prayer and spiritual disciplines in order to know God deeply. Lent is a season that the Church designates for spiritual discipline in imitating Christ’s forty days of temptation in the wilderness. I hope that in this Lent we all can find a way to cultivate spiritual growth.
Norma
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How do we find the next Archbishop of Canterbury?
It is not a simple process. And now Stephen Knott, The Archbishops’ Secretary for Appointments, has written to members of General Synod to confirm expected timings for the process of nominating the next Archbishop of Canterbury.
He writes: “The Canterbury Diocese ‘Vacancy in See’ process commenced in December and, late last year, it was announced from Downing Street that the Prime Minister had appointed Lord (Jonathan) Evans of Weardale to chair the Crown Nominations Commission (CNC). My colleagues and I are supporting Lord Evans, working with him on the detailed planning.
“During February and March, Jonathan Hellewell (the Prime Minister’s Appointments Secretary) and I will undertake an extensive consultation exercise and, as part of this consultation, it will be possible for you to contribute.
“The themes that emerge through this consultation will then sit alongside the ‘Statement of Needs’ produced by the Diocese of Canterbury, as well as other information provided by the National Church and Anglican Communion, in informing the CNC of the needs of the mission of the Church of England and the wider Anglican Communion.
“It is expected that the full membership of the Commission will be known by mid-March, by which time the names of the three individuals elected from the Diocese of Canterbury’s Vacancy in See Committee, the outcome of the election of the episcopal member(s), the Central Members and the Anglican Communion representatives will be announced.
The election process for the episcopal membership will be overseen by the Central Secretariat and further information on this will be circulated in the next weeks.
“Once the Diocese of Canterbury’s Vacancy in See process has concluded, the extensive consultation exercise has been completed, and the full membership of the CNC is known, the Commission will convene for its first meeting in May, followed by two further meetings – one in July and one in September.
“Through these meetings, the Commission will agree the ‘Role Profile’ and ‘Person Specification’ for the next Archbishop, as well as longlist, shortlist and interview potential candidates.
“While the discernment of the Crown Nominations Commission is necessarily confidential, we are committed to sharing relevant updates and information whenever available. To provide clarity on the timeline and sequence of events concerning the appointment and CNC process, there is a dedicated page on the C of E website for your reference.” https://www.churchofengland.org/about/governance/archbishops/appointing-new-archbishop-canterbury
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2025 – time for a new Church Electoral Roll
This is the year when EVERYONE is removed from the Electoral Roll – and needs to make a definite decision to come back on again.
It happens in the Church of England every six years. Whereas for five years, the Electoral Roll is revised annually our Electoral Roll Officer, in this sixth year, the roll is dissolved, and we must all re-apply and re-commit ourselves.
That’s the quick way of explaining it. If you want a detailed and clear legal break down of how exactly it works, you can find it at
If you manage to wade through all the details of the process, and understand them, it will leave you with admiration for the person in your church who has been brave enough to become the Electoral Roll Officer! (thank you Margaret)
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FORWARD NOTICE….
ANNUAL PAROCHIAL CHURCH MEETING
The Annual Parochial Church Meeting will take place on Sunday 11th May at 11am.
Could we have all reports by Sunday 13th April in order for them to be typed and photocopied.
Please email to Pauline or Brian….
brian.livingstone1234@outlook.com
Thank you
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CHILDREN’S SOCIETY BOXES
If you have been saving your spare change in one of the boxes over the last year, these will need to be emptied and counted.
Therefore, would you please bring your box to church if you are able, as soon as possible.
If you would like to have a box to pop your spare change into for the next year to donate to the Children’s Society, please speak to Margaret Dabbs (01642 816369) (mobile: 07985368682)
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House of Bishops decides to ‘update’ Synod in July, but without any vote
The House of Bishops met recently to review updates from the Living in Love and Faith (LLF) working groups, presented by Bishop Martyn Snow.
After considered reflection on the complexity of the proposed changes, the Bishops agreed that it was unlikely all elements of the proposals will be sufficiently developed in time for Synod to make a decision in July.
So they have agreed to extend the timetable, to ensure that “all elements of the proposals are sufficiently developed for a decision to be taken on them as a whole.”
The intention is therefore to bring further proposals to General Synod in July, but it is not likely these will be able to be formally put to a vote until a subsequent Synod. This will also give further time for consultations with Diocesan Synods and other networks.
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Peterborough Cathedral could ‘face financial ruin by Easter’
Peterborough Cathedral, one of the great Norman cathedrals of Europe, is facing financial collapse.
The 1400-year-old cathedral is facing a perfect storm of rising National Insurance costs, rising fuel bills, cost-of-living crisis, and decline in giving to the cathedral.
The dean, the Very Revd Christopher Dalliston, needs to raise £300,000 by the end of March. Otherwise, Peterborough Cathedral risks becoming the country’s first ‘part-time’ cathedral, and not able to open every day of the week.
It costs about £2 million a year to run the cathedral. It relies on commercial activities, public donations, and events and exhibitions. A Church of England grant makes up only 15 per cent of the cathedral’s income.
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March Diary Page
BIBLE STUDY (via ZOOM) EVERY WEDNESDAY AT 7PM DURING TERM TIME.
During Lent this will be the Lent Study Course.
PRAYER MEETING FIRST MONDAY IN THE MONTH 7PM IN CHURCH
SATURDAY 1st
Church / Churchyard tidy 9.30 – 12.00
Sunday 2nd SUNDAY NEXT BEFORE LENT
Due to road closures for the Middlesbrough Half Marathon
There will be NO morning services.
Parish Communion will be held at 6.30pm in place of Evening Prayer
Tuesday 4th
10am Holy Communion
Wednesday 5th ASH WEDNESDAY
7pm Parish Communion with Imposition of Ashes
Sunday 9th LENT 1
9am Holy Communion
10am Parish Communion
6.30pm Evening Prayer
Tuesday 11th
10am Holy Communion
Wednesday 12th
Coffee Morning 10am – 11.30am
7pm Lent studies In Search of Wholeness (via Zoom)
Christian Theology of Healing
Sunday 16th LENT 2
9am Holy Communion
10am Parish Communion
6.30pm Evening Prayer
Tuesday 18th
10am Holy Communion
Wednesday 19th
12 noon Agape meal
7pm Lent studies (via Zoom)
Sunday 23rd LENT 3
9am Holy Communion
10am Parish Communion
With a visit from My Sister’s Place
6.30pm Evening Prayer
Tuesday 25th
10am Holy Communion
Wednesday 26th
12 noon Agape meal
7pm Lent Studies (via Zoom)
DON’T’ FORGET!!! CLOCKS GO FORWARD
Sunday 30th FIFTH SUNDAY (One service only)
MOTHERING SUNDAY
10am Parish Communion
April 2nd and 9th
7pm Lent Studies (via Zoom)
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LENT STUDIES
In Search of Wholeness: 'Christian theology of healing'.
Lent studies will take place via Zoom on Wednesdays March 12th, 19th, 26th, and April 2nd and 9th.
Please contact the Vicar for the Zoom link.
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AGAPE MEALS
Agape (meaning fellowship and love)
Simple Agape meals will take place in church on Wednesdays March 19th and 26th and Wednesday April 2nd at 12 noon.
Donations for the meals will be given to My Sister’s Place, Zoe’s Place, and church funds.
If you would like to attend any of the meals, there will be a list in church to sign.
If you wish to know more about Agape, please see the Vicar.
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My Sister’s Place
My Sister’s Place is a Domestic Abuse Support Service which provides support to those who have or who are experiencing domestic abuse. The service offers both practical, holistic and therapeutic support in regards to domestic abuse.
The service aims to meet the varied needs of women suffering domestic violence and works in partnership to ensure access to the relevant support and protection for women.
They offer a range of support options, including Emotional support, Counselling Service, and Legal advice.
As a church, we have over the last few years, supported My Sister’s Place by donating toiletries, foodstuff, clothing etc.
On Sunday 23rd March, at the 10am Communion Service, Sarah Stephenson, Community Fundraiser, will be visiting us at St Mary’s to tell us more about how My Sister’s Place works, and to thank all those who have donated so much to help those vulnerable women and children who have been affected by domestic abuse. This will also be a time to ask any questions you may have.
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Time for the Great Daffodil Appeal
Throughout the month of March, the end-of-life charity Marie Curie will once again be holding their annual flagship fundraiser, the Great Daffodil Appeal.
There’s only one chance to give someone the best possible end of life.
And one chance for you to help fund care that makes that possible. Care that protects someone’s dignity – instead of leaving them to die alone or in avoidable pain. This Great Daffodil Appeal is that chance.
Every five minutes, someone dies without the support they need. But by donating and wearing your daffodil this March, you can change that – and help Marie Curie Nurses bring expert end of life care when there’s no cure, whatever the illness.
Money raised also funds the charity’s free support line and webchat which is available to anyone with an illness they’re likely to die from and those close to them. It offers practical and emotional support on everything from managing symptoms and navigating care to financial information, including how to get help with energy bills and bereavement support.
Whether it’s taking part in a fundraising challenge, organising an event including bake sales, charity walks or concerts or volunteering your time to collect donations, every penny will help Marie Curie deliver quality care to those who need it most.
The Great Daffodil Appeal only happens once a year. This is your chance to make it count. For information and to donate visit: Mariecurie.org.uk/daffodil
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1st March – St David (Dewi Sant), guiding the Welsh through turbulent times
On 1st March Wales celebrates its patron saint, David – or, in Welsh, Dewi or Dafydd. He is revered wherever Welsh people have settled. As with most figures from the so-called ’Dark Ages’ (he lived in the sixth century), reliable details about his life are scarce, but there are enough for us to form a picture of a formidably austere, disciplined, and charismatic leader, who led the Church in Wales through turbulent years and fought tenaciously for the faith.
It’s likely that David was strengthened in his ministry by time spent in Ireland, where the Church was stronger and more confident. Early records tell of a meeting of Irish church leaders with three ‘Britons’, as they were described, among them ‘Bishop David’. His mother, Non, is also celebrated as a saint in Wales, where a number of churches are dedicated in her name.
That he founded a monastery at Menevia, in Pembrokeshire, seems beyond doubt. It later became the site of St David’s cathedral and the settlement which is now the smallest city in the United Kingdom. From Menevia, David embarked on preaching and teaching missions across Wales, and probably beyond. His eloquence was legendary.
At a famous Synod of the Church, held at a Carmarthenshire village called Brefi, he preached passionately against the Arian heresy – indeed, so passionately that he was (according to some accounts) immediately named as Archbishop of Wales. The village is now known as Llandewi Brefi – brefi in Welsh is a hillock, and legend claims that it appeared miraculously, in order to provide the eloquent bishop with a pulpit.
His monks avoided wine and beer, drinking only water. Indeed, he and they lived lives of rigorous austerity and constant prayer, in the manner of the Desert Fathers of the Eastern Church. The date of David’s death is disputed – either 589 or 601. It wasn’t until the 12th century that he was generally accepted as the patron saint of Wales, and pilgrimages to St David’s were highly regarded in the following centuries – including two made by English kings, William I and Henry II.
It’s traditional for Welsh people to wear daffodils on St David’s Day (Gwyl Dewi Sant in Welsh) – but there seems no particular reason for it, beyond the fact that they tend to make their early Spring appearance round about his day – oh, and they look nice!
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Open The Book celebrates 25 years of Bible storytelling
Do you remember hearing your first Bible story? Most of us would have been children at the time.
If you had the privilege of hearing them often, those stories would now be a part of you, giving you hope in dark times, and a way to understand the world around you, and a sure sense that the God of the Bible exists. All in all, Bible stories are important to know.
This year Bible Society’s Open the Book turns 25. It has seen remarkable progress in getting Bible stories ‘out there’, to young children right across the world. Open the Book brings the Bible to life through its creative and interactive storytelling approach.
From England to Kyrgyzstan, storytelling teams visit schools and present a ten to fifteen-minute scripted Bible story, designed to be interactive.
Over many years, hundreds of volunteers and creative storytelling teams have shared the ageless stories in thousands of primary schools. They have created lasting memories, sparked the imagination, given hope, taught important lessons, connected generations and touched the hearts of countless young people and their teachers.
Fiona, a member of the Open the Book staff team at Bible Society, says “With 95 per cent of children no longer in church, who else will tell them these powerful, life changing stories and take the word into our neighbourhoods?”
Would you like to share Bible stories with primary school children? Why not become a storyteller and get a team started from your church?
Find out more at:
https://www.biblesociety.org.uk/get-involved/open-the-book/
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March Crossword
CLUES
Across
1 These letters come between Romans and Galatians (11)
9 ‘You will not — me to the grave’ (Psalm 16) (7)
10 King of Moab (Judges 3) (5)
11 Town possessing mineral spring (3)
13 Mede (anag.) (4)
16 High-fidelity (abbrev.) (4)
17 He succeeded his father Rehoboam as king of Judah (1 Kings 14) (6)
18 A son of Simeon (Genesis 46) (4)
20 Controversial religious book of the 1970s, The — of God Incarnate (4)
21 ‘Has poured out what you — — and hear’ (Acts 2) (3,3)
22 ‘You — me together in my mother’s womb’ (Psalm 139) (4)
23 Edit (anag.) (4)
25 ‘To whom has the — of the Lord been revealed?’ (Isaiah 53) (3)
28 Abraham’s brother (Genesis 22) (5)
29 ‘When Mordecai learned of — that had been — , he tore his clothes’ (Esther 4) (3,4)
30 Sympathetic (Proverbs 11) (4-7)
Down
2 “He is — —; ask him”’ (John 9) (2,3)
3 Integrated Services Digital Network (1,1,1,1) 4
4 ‘Saul has slain his thousands, and David his — of thousands’ (1 Samuel 18) (4)
5 Concept (John 8) (4)
6 ‘Do we, then, — the law by this faith? ’ (Romans 3) (7)
7 Industrious (2 Timothy 2) (11)
8 ‘The eyes of your heart may be — (Ephesians 1) (11)
12 ‘Out of the same mouth come — and cursing’ (James 3) (6)
14 Many of the Jewish leaders described Jesus (John 10) (3)
15 Vitality (Job 20) (6)
19 He urged David to kill Saul (1 Samuel 26) (7)
20 ‘So for a whole year Barnabas and Saul — with the church and taught’ (Acts 11) (3)
24 ‘The Lord our God, the Lord — — ’ (Deuteronomy 6) (2,3)
25 Parched (Matthew 12) (4)
26 ‘ — and female he created them’ (Genesis 1) (4)
27 Disparagement (Psalm 15) (4)
Answers to February Crossword
ACROSS:
8, Cross-examined. 9, Ash. 10, Apocrypha. 11, Sci-fi. 13, Typical. 16, Visited. 19, Offer. 22, No account. 24, RAC. 25, Sovereign Lord.
DOWN:
1, Oceans. 2, Hophni. 3, Islamist. 4, Exhort. 5, Omar. 6, On spec. 7, Add all. 12, CBI. 14, Plotting. 15, Awe. 16, Vanish. 17, Starve. 18, Daub it. 20, Furrow. 21, Recede. 23, Cure.
Winner Peter Warren
Crosswords reproduced by kind permission of BRF and John Capon, originally published in Three Down, Nine Across, by John Capon (£6.99 BRF)
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March Anagrams
SHAKESPEARE PLAYS
Rearrange these letters to form the names of 12 plays by Shakespeare. Answers may consist of three, four or five words (including the or a.)
1. DANIEL JETOMOUR 2. SAVE BOULOS TROLLS 3. A SOURE SUMMER FEARE 4. GLOVE OFTEN MET AN OWNER
5. THAT WESTERN LIE 6. OOH I GOT MUNCHBUN DATA 7. WHATS FOR THE MEETHING 8. TOAD ON A CLEAN PANTRY
9. OR SWIM VERY FINE WORDS 10. MOVE IN FETCH THE CRANE 11. RHYME ROOFED COSTER 12. MISS MUDHAMM IN DER GRATE
Compiled by Peter Warren
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February Anagram Answers
SEA FISH: Answers
1. MACKEREL 2. HADDOCK 3. DOVER SOLE 4. POLLACK 5. HALIBUT 6. PILCHARD 7. SEA BREAM
8. WHITING 9. GURNARD 10. CONGER EEL 11. SEA BASS 12. RED MULLET
Winner Wyn Hirst
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March Soduko Puzzle
February Sodoku Solution
Winners Jack Thompson
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The Revd Dr Jo White considers the history of baptism
Reflecting Faith: The meaning of Baptism.
Last month we considered the overall ‘look’ of a church building and how that often reflects the way faith is celebrated inside.
One of the clearest visual symbols inside a church building relates to where the font, used for baptism, is placed.
We often think of Baptism as being uniquely Christian, but this is not the case. Most established religions have some form of rite to welcome a new person – regardless of their age – into their fellowship.
If you think of Jesus being baptised in the river Jordan by John, it is clear that this was something within the Jewish practice happening before ‘Christianity’ came into being.
When Paul writes to the Corinthians in his first letter, he compares the Christian rite with baptism ‘into Moses in the sea’. This comes from him being a Hillelite rabbi who argued that as ‘the Jews passed from slavery in Egypt through the Red Sea into Canaan, so the Gentile passed from heathenism through baptism into the “promised land” ‘.
Baptism was intended as a symbolic action of outward cleansing, meaning change, from not being part of the ‘group’ to being welcomed into it. It was accepted that the person’s inside did not change! There was and still remains nothing magical about that (unfortunately).
In the Book of Acts there is an instance where one person chose to follow Christ, and the whole family was baptised.
The Early Church took baptism very seriously, and new believers had to spend a good length of time preparing for it. As the years passed, the babies of Christian believers came to be baptised shortly after birth.
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Canon Paul Hardingham continues his series on the books of the Bible, which will run until the end of 2025.
What’s the Big Idea? – An Introduction to the
books of the Old Testament: Psalms.
This month we continue our examination of a selection of books from the Old Testament.
‘The Psalms have a unique place in the Bible, because most of the Scripture speaks to us, while the Psalms speak for us’(Athanasius of Alexandria).
The Book of Psalms contains 150 prayers or songs of praise, the majority (73) attributed to David, although some were composed later. They were mostly composed for liturgical worship. There are songs of praise, in which people joyfully express praise for God’s work of creation and sustaining (eg 135 & 136). In others, the psalmist recounts a desperate situation and gives thanks for God’s answer to his prayers (eg 30 & 116).
There are a significant number of psalms of lament, both individual (eg 3-7; 22) and communal (eg 44), which begin with a cry for help. Some express deliverance from sin (51 & 130), or point to the certainty that the Lord has heard their prayer (7, but contrast 88). The theme of trust is central in many psalms (23, 62 & 91).
The ‘royal psalms’ (eg 20, 21 & 72) point to the promised Messiah, fulfilled in Jesus. There are also psalms teaching wisdom (eg 37, 49); ‘torah’ psalms, focussing on the law of the Lord (eg 1, 19 & 119), and psalms which celebrate the history of Israel and God’s faithfulness (eg 78, 105 & 106).
The psalms can help us in our own prayers, by providing us with models to follow, as they express our own deepest feelings as we approach God: ‘The Lord is my shepherd, I shall lack nothing. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul’ (Psalm 23:1-3).
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It can be hard to pray sometimes, and most of us need all the help we can get! This new series, which will run all year, is by the Revd Dr Herbert McGonigle, formerly of the Nazarene Theological College, Manchester
Praying the Prayer of Forgiveness:
Numbers 12:13, ‘O God, heal her, I pray.’
These six words are Moses’ prayer for his sister Miriam. They tell us a lot about Moses and a lot about prayer.
For some time Miriam and her brother Aaron had been simmering with anger against Moses. They protested that he had married a Cushite woman (v.1), but the real cause of their animosity was jealousy. ‘Has the Lord spoken only through Moses?’ (v.2). Don’t we have a ministry as well? Hasn’t God also spoken through us? Why does everyone look to Moses? Why are we overlooked?
Jealousy is a powerful and deadly emotion. God had given ministries and honour to Miriam (Exod. 15:20,21) and Aaron had become the chief priest (Num. 3:1-3), but neither of them were satisfied with that. It looks as if Miriam fomented and took the lead in criticising Moses. Suddenly the Lord intervened (v.4). He called Moses, Aaron and Miriam together and defended His servant Moses. Moses is faithful in all my house! (v.7)
Whereas the Lord had often spoken to other prophets in dreams and visions, He speaks to Moses ‘mouth to mouth’ (v.8). How dare Aaron and Miriam question Moses whom the Lord called ‘my servant’ (v.8). Having so strongly defended Moses and rebuked his critics, the Lord departed and then the divine judgement fell. Suddenly Miriam, the leader of the conspiracy, was struck down with the dreaded leprosy.
Aaron immediately cried out to Moses, confessing his own and his sister’s sin and foolishness (vv. 11,12). Then Moses demonstrated why the Lord honoured him so highly. He expressed no anger, no vindictiveness, no spirit of ‘settling scores’ against his brother and sister. In spite of their antagonism and jealousy, Moses loved them both and ‘cried to the Lord’ on behalf of Miriam.
He prayed one of the shortest prayers found in the Bible. ‘O God, heal her, I pray’ (v.13). He was grieved and full of compassion to see his sister so terribly afflicted. The prayer was prompted by the love that forgives, the love that overlooks what others have done to us, the love that wants God’s best for them. And only God’s grace can make us like that. The prayer is so short, so simple, so direct, so personal. ‘O God, heal her, I pray.’
And God heard and answered. As a warning to others who might challenge Moses’ authority, Miriam was quarantined for seven days, then fully healed and restored (vv.14, 15). How does this incident help us in our prayer life?
First, true prayer is born in compassion. The lips express the deep feelings of the heart.
Second, God will not hear our prayers if our hearts are not right with him and with one another. While we cherish resentments and grudges, our praying is powerless.
Third, while there are many times when prayer needs to be persistent, there are also times when it is a simple, deep cry from the heart.
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The Revd Dr Roger Roberts, formerly senior pastor of International Baptist Church, Brussels, considers the beginnings of discipleship…
Is it time you remembered ‘eureka!’?
As Lent 2025 gets underway, do you suspect that your Christian commitment is not all it could be? If so, you are not alone. As one American church leader sadly put it: “In America the church is 3,000 miles wide – and one inch deep.”
But Jesus is still calling us to be His disciples, NOT His well-wishers – from a safe distance! So how does one start as a disciple, exactly? It can be helpful to remember the story of John and Andrew in the first chapter of St John.
Firstly, John and Andrew were simply getting on with daily life when their teacher, John the Baptist, introduced them to Jesus. They hadn’t been out looking for Him – but when they met Him, they were deeply affected. Andrew excitedly reported: “We have found the Messiah” (John 1:41). His statement is true, but the more you read of the story, the more you’ll realize that it was Jesus who found them. He is after YOU, too! If you encounter God, it is no accident that your paths have crossed.
The English poet Francis Thompson was a derelict living under a bridge until a Christian benefactor took him into his home. One of the poems Francis Thompson later wrote was ‘The Hound of Heaven’, which described God as the one who sought him down through his wayward, “labyrinthine ways.” He was, like us, running from God, who all the time was leading him to an encounter with Himself.
Secondly, there is the eureka! factor in Andrew and John’s story. This expression, from the Greek eurisko, is said to have been exclaimed around the year 200 BC by the Greek mathematician Archimedes when he discovered a way to determine the purity of gold. Andrew used this same expression in vs 41, when he told his brother he had found Jesus Christ. “I’ve found Him! Eureka!”
This Lent, you can be sure that Jesus is certainly looking for you, and if your response has ever been: ‘I’ve found Him! Eureka!” – then you, like Andrew, have become a disciple, a Christian. Maybe you began to follow Jesus a long time ago, but your obedience has been “on hold.” You haven’t been faithful in worship, in reading the Bible. You haven’t even been a part of a local church
.
Well, Lent 2025 is an ideal time to re-discover the joy of eureka! again.
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Canon Paul Hardingham considers
A Lent Reflection
Somebody asked a Christian friend why he was eating doughnuts, when he had given them up for Lent! He answered, ‘At the bakers I told God, that if He wanted me to buy doughnuts, He should provide a parking space in front. On the eighth time around, there it was!’ Rather than seeing Lent simply as a time to give things up, let’s use it intentionally for self-examination, reading Scripture, penitence, fasting and prayer.
At Jesus’ baptism, God’s voice says, ‘You are My Son, whom I love; with You I am well pleased.’ (Luke 3:22). The Holy Spirit then leads Jesus into the wilderness, where we find Him coming to terms with who He is. Satan’s temptations challenge Jesus in key three areas of His identity: His divine sonship, political power and Messianic role (Luke 4: 1-13). It is as though Jesus was looking into the mirror at Himself to discern what kind of Saviour He should be.
For us, Lent is an opportunity to hold up a mirror to ourselves and ask the question, ‘who am I? It’s a season of honest encounter with who we are, what we’ve done, and how we should live. What will we see when we hold up the mirror to ourselves? Keeping Lent, the 40 days running up to Easter, could mean taking time to read Scripture, studying a Christian book or spending five minutes each day in silence! We might fast by missing one or two meals, refraining from TV, alcohol, social media, or scrolling on our phones. All of these can help us to give more attention to God in our lives.
Whatever we do, Lent is a season for self-reflection, as we put ourselves in a position to receive afresh the forgiveness and healing that God offers.
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By the Revd Peter Crumpler, a Church of England priest in St Albans, Herts,
and a former communications director for the C of E.
Pope calls on journalists to look for good news
The Pope has urged journalists to look out for ‘good news’ stories among so much doom and gloom in global media coverage.
His call came during a gathering in Rome of media professionals from around the world that included an audience with Pope Francis.
The Pope said, “I encourage you to discover and make known the many stories of goodness hidden in the folds of the news, imitating those gold-prospectors who tirelessly sift the sand in search of a tiny nugget.”
His words come as increasing numbers of people are turning away from news coverage, describing it as “depressing, relentless and boring” according to a recent global survey.
Almost four in 10 people worldwide said they sometimes or often avoid the news, up from just under three in 10 in 2017, according to the report by Oxford University’s Reuters Institute.
To counter this, the Pope urged journalists and other media professionals to be ‘communicators of hope’ in a world where divisive disinformation abounds.
Pope Francis, who heads the world’s estimated 1.4 billion Catholics called on all those involved in communications “to focus on beauty and hope even in the midst of apparently desperate situations” and to work to generate “commitment, empathy and concern for others.”
He said: “Too often today, communication generates not hope, but fear and despair, prejudice and resentment, fanaticism and even hatred.”
The message also, perhaps, had criticism for the power and influence being wielded by Big Tech companies, such as Elon Musk’s ‘X’, and Meta – that recently announced it was removing fact-checkers from its US operation.
He said, “In these our times, characterised by disinformation and polarisation, as a few centres of power control an unprecedented mass of data and information, I would like to speak to you as one who is well aware of the importance – now more than ever – of your work as journalists and communicators.”
He called on journalists to communicate hope, noting that “The hope of Christians has a face, the face of the risen Lord.” His gift of the Holy Spirit “enables us to hope even against all hope, and to perceive the hidden goodness quietly present even when all else seems lost.”
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Social media is not for children
Most adults would support a ban on under-16-year-olds visiting social media platforms such as X and Instagram.
Such are the findings of a recent survey. It found that 75 per cent of adults favour the minimum age for accessing social media sites to be raised, from 13 to 16 years old.
The survey was conducted by the More in Common think tank. It reports that support for raising the age level is found right across the political spectrum: 79 per cent of Conservative voters, 75 per cent of Labour voters, 76 per cent of Liberal Democrat voters, and 81 per cent of Reform UK voters
Concern about the effects of social media on young people comes at a time when tech giants are facing increasing criticism about the impact their platforms can have on young people.
The survey also found that 71 per cent of adults want a ban on all smartphones in school, while 14 per cent oppose the idea.
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Whisper it softly, but many of us prefer instant coffee
In this age of exotic coffee making machines, there are still a good 39 per cent of us in Britain who reach for the instant coffee – and even prefer it.
In fact, a 2024 Kantar report has found that seven million of us happily drink instant coffee two or three times each day.
Nescafe Gold Blend is the UK’s leading instant coffee brand, with 4.3 million of us buying it in 2023. As James Chiavarini, patron of the Italian restaurant Il Portico says: “Gold Blend is weak and sweet, and I can drink it all day without the risk of a stomach ulcer.”
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The latest in flower fashion? Go chocolate
How do you choose the colour of flowers for your garden?
This year, it seems that many of us will pick up on Pantone’s ‘colour of 2025’ for our homes, and plant variations of its ‘mocha mousse’ into our gardens. That means flowers in various soft chocolate hues of burnt browns, complemented by deep maroons and purplish taupes.
According to Guy Barter, chief horticulturist at the Royal Horticultural Society (RHS), this year is all about “quite a boost for chocolatey plants”.
He adds, however, that “I do suspect a chocolatey garden with nothing but chocolatey plants would seem poor.”
Some garden designers believe that the more neutrally coloured flowers will be around for some years to come. As one consultant Jake Croft explained: “I think people are looking for a slower pace of life and more balance and I think soft browns and neutral colours give off that cosy, warm, comforting feeling, as opposed to bright, in your face, clashing colours.”
But some experts have doubts. Karl Harrison, a professional landscaping consultant, says that brown is “not a happy colour. It’s a bit depressing. You are going to have to do wonders in a garden to make someone happy with brown flowers.”
And Mike Palmer, a columnist for Amateur Gardening magazine, finds dark brown plants and flowers are “reminiscent of dying plants”.
The Pantone colour of the year is selected annually by the paint brand’s colour institute.
‘Mocha mousse,’ PANTONE 17-1230, is supposed to evoke “thoughtful indulgence,” and be “sophisticated and lush, yet at the same time an unpretentious classic.”
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Why a glass of milk may help save your life
Drinking a glass of milk a day could cut the risk of you getting bowel cancer by almost a fifth.
So say researchers at the University of Oxford. They have found strong evidence that calcium protects against the deadly disease.
According to the data, it takes only an extra 300mg of calcium a day (found in a large 240ml of milk, or a couple of pots of yoghurt) to result in a 17 per cent lessening of the risk of bowel cancer.
Currently, one in 20 women and one in 17 men in the UK will be diagnosed with bowel cancer during their lifetime. It affects around 44,000 people each year in the UK.
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Changing a light bulb is a generational thing
Do you know how to clean a car, change a lightbulb, hang a picture and identify a spanner? If yes, then chances are that you are a Baby Boomer (1955-1964) and not a Gen Z (1997-2012).
For recent research has found that some Gen Z are paying up to £1,300 a year for simple household tasks to be done, because they don’t want to tackle them.
Changing a light bulb? Gen Z worry that a step ladder can be dangerous, and that the bulb might be “too hot”. They do not want “to mess around with electrics.”
Hanging a picture frame? Add air to a car tyre? Identify a spanner? Fit a wiper blade?
Clean a car? The list of practical jobs is endless, and huge numbers of Gen Z get round them by asking a parent or even paying a professional, to do it.
The research was commissioned by Halfords. It concluded that DIY may sadly be a dying skill, because too many Gen Z-ers are simply not practically minded.
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The crisis in our A&E departments
Reform the NHS, or half the population could end up in A&E. That is the dire warning of the medical director for NHS in England.
Sir Stephen Powis says that the health service must ‘go for broke’ in delivering more care outside of hospitals, if the A&E system is not to face a total collapse. There are simply too many of us turning up at A&E departments.
Looking ahead, Sir Stephen, the top doctor in England warns: “If A&E attendances increase at the same rate as they have over the past 10 years, NHS staff will need to manage six million more A&E attendances every year from 2034.
In the end, that would mean “the equivalent of almost half the population attending A&E at least once every year – that is not feasible for a 21st-century health system. Instead, millions of patients will need to receive the care and support they need outside of a hospital.”
Sir Stephen’s warning came in a recent speech to the Liverpool Medical Institution.
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Tim Lenton looks back on a remarkable man who has touched all our lives.
A tribute to Alexander Fleming
Seventy years ago, on 11th March 1955, the Scottish bacteriologist Sir Alexander Fleming died. He was joint winner with Ernst Boris Chain and Sir Howard Walter Florey of the 1945 Nobel Prize in Physiology/Medicine for discovering penicillin.
Fleming was not the tidiest researcher, and his discovery of penicillin came about more or less by accident, as he said himself. He regarded his earlier discovery of lysozyme, a mildly antiseptic enzyme which is present in body fluids, as his best scientific work.
The discovery of penicillin was much more significant in practical terms, but for some years he was unable to persuade fellow-experts of its importance – another example of the scientific consensus being wrong. In the end Chain and Florey were vital to its success, having discovered a method of turning penicillin into a practical, useful treatment.
Fleming came from a Presbyterian background but was described as “not particularly religious”. He served through the First World War in the Royal Army Medical Corps, working in battlefield hospitals in France, where he observed that closed wound treatment often had adverse effects.
He was a member of the rifle club at his medical school, St Mary’s, which led to his joining the research department there.
The discovery of penicillin and its subsequent development as a prescription drug marked the start of modern antibiotics. Fleming was knighted in 1944. In 1999 he was named in Time magazine’s list of the 100 most important people in the 20th century, and three years later as one of the 100 Greatest Britons in a BBC poll. He was also voted third greatest Scot in 2009.
When he heard that penicillin production had been patented in the US in 1944, he was furious that his discovery, given free, should become a profit-making monopoly in another country.
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The Rectory
St James the Least of All
My dear Nephew Darren
I cannot be wholly sympathetic because your church car park is now inadequate, only having space for 100 cars. Your solution of advising members of the congregation to park in the adjoining supermarket car park may not have been wise. The maximum time people can stop there is 90 minutes, and as your services often reach that length, returning to find their cars clamped may not make you universally popular – although it may give your congregation the opportunity of practising Christian forgiveness.
Since the medieval architect who built St James the Least of All was not overly concerned with car parking, the only space we have is along the road by the church. Inevitably, it gets blocked, which causes us all immense satisfaction when those not attending church but intending to have a morning shopping, find themselves unable to get out of the village until Mattins is over.
I did once encourage people to walk to church across the fields, but after we had nearly lost the present Earl in that swampy bit near the brook, I decided the idea was best dropped.
For most, the inconvenience of parking only makes attending church more of a pleasurable challenge; we so enjoy having something to complain about. Major Hastings, however, who has complained endlessly about parking problems, made a point last Christmas by leaving his car in the middle of the vicarage lawn. I was so pleased he happened to park just where I had had a garden pond filled in only the previous week. He returned to find that the car had sunk up to the windscreen and needed a crane to remove it.
For weddings, a farmer allows us to use the field adjoining the church. While he rarely attends church on Sundays, he is always there the week before – I suspect praying for heavy rain, so he can make a fortune charging to tow out with his tractor those who have got stuck. Perhaps the greatest act of witness your church could perform would be to get everyone attending church to park on the ring road, bringing the entire town to a halt until your Sunday morning Service is over.
Your loving uncle, Eustace
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BOOK REVIEW
In Quietness & Trust – Lent devotions from the beatitudes
By Matt Searles, 10Publishing, £6.99
Early in His ministry, Jesus gave His followers a description of how He wants His people to live. Rather than seeking to ascend to God, Christian discipleship is a downward flourishing; a counter-cultural way of blessing.
These 40 devotions, with a daily reading and short reflection, will guide you through the beatitudes Jesus gave in the Sermon on the Mount. This Easter, join Jesus on His path to the cross, and see that His way – though so different to the way of the world – leads to freedom, joy, and life.
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All in the month of March.
It was:
250 years ago, on 23rd March 1775 that Patrick Henry, a Founding Father of the United States, gave a famous speech at the Second Virginia Convention. He called for America’s independence from Britain, saying “Give me liberty or give me death!”
175 years ago, on 5th March 1850 that the Britannia Bridge linking Anglesey and mainland Wales across the Menai Strait was officially opened. Designed and built by railway engineer Robert Stephenson, it had to be replaced after a disastrous fire in 1970.
150 years ago, on 7th March 1875 that the French composer Maurice Ravel was born. Best known for Bolero.
125 years ago, on 28th March 1900 that the British archaeologist Arthur Evans began excavating the ancient city of Knossos, capital of the Minoan civilisation, in Heraklion, Crete. Knossos is regarded as the oldest city in Europe. It was abandoned (unknown reasons) more than 3,000 years ago.
90 years ago, on 16th March 1935 that driving tests were first introduced in Britain. Three days later, on 19th March, a speed limit of 30 mph in built-up areas was also introduced, under the Road Traffic Act of 1934.
70 years ago, on 11th March 1955 that Sir Alexander Fleming, Scottish bacteriologist died. Joint winner of the 1945 Nobel Prize in Physiology or Medicine for discovering penicillin
60 years ago, on 18th March 1965 that Soviet cosmonaut Aleksei Leonov became the first person ever to make a spacewalk.
40 years ago, on 3rd March 1985 that British miners voted to return to work after a year-long strike over pit closures and job losses.
30 years ago, on 2nd March 1995 that the ‘rogue trader’ Nick Leeson was arrested for his role in the collapse of Barings, Britain’s oldest merchant bank. Four days later, on 6th March, the Dutch bank ING purchased Barings, for the nominal price of £1.
20 years ago, on 10th March 2005 that Dave Allen, Irish comedian, died.
10 years ago, on 12th March 2015 that Terry Pratchett, British fantasy novelist best known for his Discworld series, died of Alzheimer’s, aged 66.
Also 10 years ago, on 24th March 2015 that the Germanwings Flight 9525 crashed in the French alps, killing all 150 people on board. An investigation found that the co-pilot had deliberately caused the crash. His doctor had declared him unfit to fly due to suicidal tendencies, but he had reported for work anyway.
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Smile Lines
Snoring
A clergyman consulted his doctor about his wife’s snoring. “It has to STOP,” he insisted.
The doctor was intrigued: “Does it really bother you that much?”
“Well, it’s not just me,” confided the minister. “She is bothering the whole congregation.”
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Beware of these contagious diseases in church
Frontophobia: A morbid fear of the front seats in church. The sufferer is struck by an attack just inside the church door, and so collapses in the nearest back seat.
Ear Frequency Destruction: Caused by sitting near the loudspeaker when the minister is singing full volume, off-key, etc., into the microphone.
Sermonic Throat: A dreaded choking caused by the start of the sermon. The sufferer unwraps a sweet very slowly and noisily, which seems to effect a complete cure.
Double Auricular Clearance: A condition due to the simultaneous opening of both ear ducts, which allows sound to enter one ear and leave the other without any absorption thereof. Condition becomes acute during Bible reading and sermon.
Accelerated Vocal Response: A condition which causes the sufferer to try to sing faster than the organ.
Retarded Vocal Response: A condition which causes the sufferer to try to sing slower than the organ.
Theexits: A condition where the sufferer rushes for the exit before the minister gets there.
Church Meeting Paralysis: This can strike suddenly, when a post in the church needs filling. A good dose of enthusiasm works wonders with this sad affliction.
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New meanings
Dogma – a puppy’s mother
Polygon – a lost parrot
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I’m giving up eating chocolate for a month. Oh, wait, sorry, bad punctuation. I meant, I’m giving up. Eating chocolate for a month.
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PARENT’S DICTIONARY
Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Dad to also get up at 2 a.m.
Defense: What you’d better have around de garden if you’re going to let de children play outside.
Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you just on the edge of financial disaster.
Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn’t appreciate the strained carrots.
Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.
Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
Show off: A child who is more talented than yours.
Sterilize: What you do to your first baby’s pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby’s pacifier by blowing on it.
Temper tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.
Top bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
Two-minute warning: When the baby’s face turns red and it begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
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Miscellaneous observations on daily life
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.
A healthy adult consumes each year one-and-one-half times his own weight in other people’s patience.
A pun is the lowest form of humour – unless you thought of it yourself.
Based on my calculations, I can afford to retire five years after I die.
Birthday cake is the only food you can blow on and spit on, and still everybody rushes to get a piece.
Coffee: starter fluid for the morning impaired.
Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.
I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner – all it was doing was gathering dust.
My dog will eat anything until you put a pill in it. Then he’s Gordon Ramsey.
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Lost in translation
Are you travelling this Spring? Keep an eye out for those delightful translations into English that didn’t quite make it…
Danish airline: We take your bags and send them in all directions.
Heathrow: No electric people carrying vehicles past this point.
Japanese taxi: Safety first: please put on your seatbelt. Prepare for accident.
Kenyan maternity ward: No children allowed.
Beijing shop: Haircuts half price today. Only one per customer.
Swedish furrier: Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin.
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