St Mary's West Acklam Middlesbrough

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Paul Hardingham continues his new series.

What’s the Big Idea? An Introduction to the Books of the Old Testament:

1 and 2 Samuel.


1 and 2 Samuel was originally a single work, which focuses on Samuel, Saul and David, around 1,000 BC, mid-way between Abraham and Jesus. It was Samuel who established the monarchy in Israel after the period of the judges. He was commanded by God to give the people a king, although their request is seen as a rejection of God’s rule over Israel (8:7).


 The people simply wanted to be like other nations, however their king was still subject to God’s law and the word of the prophet. Although Samuel anointed Saul, he soon showed an unwillingness to submit to these requirements, leading to his rejection as king (15:23). God chose David as Saul’s successor, and 1 Samuel depicts David’s years of waiting until the right time arrived to claim the throne.


2 Samuel depicts David’s rule, in which the nation prospers and its enemies are defeated. The promise of the perfect king is fulfilled in Jesus Himself, as David’s descendant. The second half of the book depicts the darker side of David’s reign, describing his weaknesses and failures, including his adultery with Bathsheba and the rebellion of his son Absalom.


Nevertheless, David remained a man after God’s own heart: ‘The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.’ (1 Samuel 16:7). The characters in this book are not always great examples of faith, however, ‘They do not show us how we should live but how in fact we do live, authenticating the reality of our daily experience as the stuff that God uses to work his purposes of salvation in us and in the world.’ (Eugene Peterson).

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Prospect of winter energy bills causing anxiety for millions, says Archbishop of York

 

Millions are looking ahead to this winter with ‘fear and anxiety’ about the cost of heating their homes, the Archbishop of York has said as he backed the recent launch of a campaign to provide a network of warm spaces for people who struggle to pay their energy bills.

 

Archbishop Stephen Cottrell is encouraging churches to consider getting involved in the Warm Welcome campaign, a network of venues from community centres to churches providing warm spaces over the winter for people struggling to heat their homes

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Archbishop Stephen said: “Sadly, what began as a cost-of-living crisis has simply become the new normal for many.

 

“Millions of people will look ahead to this winter with fear and anxiety, wondering how they are going to cope with high living costs. That is why I am proud to endorse the Warm Welcome campaign this winter.

 

“But a warm welcome isn’t only about the temperature. It is about kindness and community, giving people the chance to be seen and known, to belong and to be part of something. It is about celebrating the God-given value and dignity of every single person, finding hope and community together. But of course, none of that will happen if people are cold.”

 

The Warm Welcome campaign is led by a coalition of over 50 charitable organisations who joined together in response to the cost of living crisis to provide emergency support to communities struggling to pay for rising food costs and to heat their homes.

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The mysterious ways of mistletoe


Mistletoe has long been used as part of our Christmas decorations. It is not your usual kind of plant.

 

Instead, it is hemiparasitic, meaning that although its leaves enable it to feed itself through photosynthesis, its roots invade the host tree or shrub to extract water and other nutrients

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Mistletoe loves living in apple, lime, hawthorn, poplar or oak trees. You may spot it high up, as a large globe, on the bare trees in winter. There is one spectacular example in Windsor Great Park, clearly visible from the path on the opposite side of the Thames

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Mistletoe’s berries are almost translucent, fleshy and sticky. They form in the forks of mistletoe’s many branches. While they are toxic to humans, they are attractive to birds, who wipe the remaining seeds off their beaks onto the nearest branch, which of course helps the plant to spread.

 

For some reason, Romans thought mistletoe represented Peace, Love and Understanding. Perhaps that is how it got into our Christmas celebrations? The earliest documentary evidence for kissing under mistletoe dates from the 16th century, but we don’t know who got kissed first.

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Doctor Livingstone, I presume?


It was 150 years ago, on 10th November 1871, that Welsh journalist and explorer Henry Morton Stanley located the missing missionary Dr David Livingstone near Lake Tanganyika, in present-day Tanzania. He may or may not have greeted him with the words: “Doctor Livingstone, I presume?”


Stanley’s real name was John Rowlands. He was born in Denbigh to an unmarried 18-year-old who abandoned him. He ended up in a workhouse until he was 15, then went to America, where he changed his name and became an American citizen. When he found Livingstone, he was working for the New York Herald.


Known for his strength of will, Stanley also had an African name – Bula Matari – Breaker of Rocks. Much of his life was spent in Central Africa, and his reputation was mixed: he was said by some to be violent toward Africans, but by others to have treated them well. His feats as an explorer were impressive: he played a big part in locating the true source of both the Nile and the Congo, and he helped open up the Congo on behalf of King Leopold of Belgium.

Though not overtly religious, he felt he was engaged in a “sacred task”. He was re-naturalised a British subject in 1892, following his marriage.


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All in the month of March

It was:

300 years ago, on 8th March 1723 that Sir Christopher Wren, English architect, died. Best known for designing St Paul’s Cathedral.


125 years ago, on 16th March 1898 that Aubrey Beardsley, British illustrator, died. His black ink drawings, influenced by Japanese woodcuts, contributed to the development of Art Nouveau.


100 years ago, on 4th March 1923 that Patrick Moore, the amateur astronomer, TV presenter, writer and musician was born. Best known for presenting the TV astronomy show The Sky at Night for over 50 years. (Died 2012)


80 years ago, on 13th March 1943 that the final liquidation of Krakow Ghetto in Poland took place. 8,000 Jews were transported to Plaszow labour camp, 2000 more were simply killed in the streets, and the rest were sent to Auschwitz.


70 years ago, on 19th March 1953 that the Academy Awards ceremony (the Oscars) were televised for the first time.


Also 70 years ago, on 26th March 1953 that Dr Jonas Salk announced that he had completed the first small-scale test of a polio vaccine. Larger tests began in February 1954, and mass vaccinations began in April 1955.


65 years ago, on 2nd March 1958 that the first land crossing of Antarctica was completed by the Commonwealth Trans-Antarctic Expedition, led by Vivian Fuchs. The team of 12 men travelled 2,158 miles from Shackleton Base to Scott Base (via the South Pole) in 99 days, using six vehicles.


60 years ago, on 22nd March 1963 that the British Secretary of State for War, John Profumo, made a statement in the House of Commons in which he denied there was any impropriety in his relationship with Christine Keeler, a model who was also in a sexual relationship with a drug dealer and a Soviet naval attaché. (In June he admitted he had lied, and resigned.)


50 years ago, on 8th March 1973 that the citizens of Northern Ireland voted in a referendum to remain within the United Kingdom. That same day the IRA carried out its first bombing in Britain since WWII, planting car bombs in London. One person died, 200 were injured.


40 years ago, on 6th March 1983 that Donald Maclean, British-born Soviet spy died. He was a member of the Cambridge Spy Ring.


Also 40 years ago, on 26th March 1983, that Anthony Blunt, British art historian and Soviet spy, died.


25 years ago, on 16th March 1998 that Rwanda began mass trials for the country’s 1994 genocide. There were 125,000 suspects for 500,000 murders.


20 years ago, on 1st March 2003 that Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, the al-Qaeda terrorist who masterminded the 9/11 attacks on the USA, was captured in Pakistan.


Also 20 years ago, on 12th March 2003 that the World Health Organisation issued a global alert about a severe form of pneumonia (now known as Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome – SARS) that was affecting people in China, Hong Kong and Vietnam.

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          Isherwood Hall.    (The original hall)


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There is said to be evidence to show that there has been a chapel or church on the site of St Mary’s Acklam for over a thousand years. The first reference to ACLUN is found in the Doomsday Book with a mention of 'a church and a priest'.


In 1853 it was renamed West Acklam to avoid confusing it with Acklam in the 'East Riding' but it was not until 1866 that the Parish of West Acklam was formed and the Rev E.G. Charlesworth became the first vicar.

Several buildings have occupied this site since Saxon times, a medieval chapel of unknown age was rebuilt circa 1770. The heading photo shows this church before the rebuild. This in turn was pulled down and a new church built circa 1874 by the Hustler family who lived in the adjacent Acklam Hall and owned all the land in the area. The original dedication was to St John and it is thought that around the time of the rebuilding in 1874 this was changed to St Mary.   The South Porch was added in 1925.  


The 1874 church only seated 135, with the rapid growth of the modern town of Middlesbrough and the new housing estates being built nearby prior to the Second World War, the little church soon became inadequate and more seating was required. A large extension to the North side of the 1874 church building was added, though still retaining the nave and chancel of the older church as the Bede chapel, the foundation stone being laid on 4th July 1956. The completed church was consecrated on 19th October 1957 by the then Archbishop of York, Dr Michael Ramsey.  St Mary's could then cater for a seated congregation of 400.


For further information, please see a book written by the Vicar at the time of the 1957 extension Rev’d John L. Badger.


                                                           










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July 2026 Magazine






Pauline & Bob - co-editors..   


Updated  1st July 2026

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 Archbishop of Canterbury calls to ‘make strangers neighbours’ amid rising hostility


Responding to the recent King’s Speech, the Archbishop of Canterbury, Sarah Mullally, has spoken about the importance of hope at a time of rising hate crime, intimidation and hostility.


“The work of integration has never been more urgent. We have witnessed a deeply concerning deterioration in intercommunity relations. I therefore welcome the commitment in the Gracious Speech to do more to protect the Jewish communities following the recent appalling attacks and in doing so I wish to assure both Jewish and Muslim communities of my support as they face the unacceptable rise in hate crime, intimidation and hostility.


“The Church of England has long held that the right of all people to practise their faith without fear must be protected.


“We have also seen religious identity misused to intimidate and divide. Let us be clear: the commandment of Jesus Christ is to love your neighbour as yourself, to love without exception and to seek the flourishing of all.


“We must address the pressures facing people and communities today while ensuring that systems for new arrivals are fair. We must undertake the harder task of bringing communities together – of making strangers neighbours – and ensuring that all who reside here have both the opportunity and the responsibility to contribute to our shared life.”

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‘Protect us from the perils of division and hatred’ – Bishops’ prayer for nation

A group of Church of England bishops has issued an invitation to Christians to pray for wisdom and love in national life in the face of “division and hatred”.

The newly established Bishops’ Working Group for Promoting Unity in our Nation has shared a prayer – which can be used by churches or individuals – speaking of peace in our communities and how we can all be reconciled with God and our neighbour.

The prayer, being shared on Church of England social media channels, highlights the four “nations of this United Kingdom” and gives thanks for all those who “build up our common life”.

It asks for God’s wisdom to “protect the most vulnerable among us” and his help to “love all who call these islands their home”.  It then asks for God’s protection from “the perils of division and hatred”.

The group, chaired by the Bishop of Leicester, Martyn Snow, was set up to help the Church of England understand and respond to growing polarisation in the country at large.

Its recent work has included encouraging churches to celebrate St George’s Day and fly the flag as a symbol of unity, as well as joining with other Christian denominations to help local congregations play their part appropriately in the recent local elections.

Bishop Martyn said: “We know that these are anxious and fearful times for many in our country, which makes the Church’s calling for peace and reconciliation all the more pressing.”

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Pope Leo encourages Christians to share the Good News


The Good News of Christ needs to be shared, Pope Leo says in a video message recently launched for the worldwide Thy Kingdom Come (TKC) international prayer movement.

Christ is “everything” for us and in Him we find fullness of life and its meaning, the Pope said.

“In Him, we find the fullness of life and its meaning. This is not something about which we can keep silent. It is something to proclaim boldly, for it is indeed Good News and needs to be shared.

In his message, the Pontiff speaks of our longing for God to heal what is broken in us and broken in the world. At the core of our being, we know that only God can satisfy our deepest longings and inner restlessness, he says.

“We long for Him to save us from our sins, our foolishness and all that might harm us,” he says.

The TKC movement was first launched a decade ago and each year unites more than a million Christians in prayer across the world. Every person, household and church is encouraged to pray during the 11 days between Pentecost and Ascension in their own way.

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Church attendance grows for fifth year in a row


Church of England congregations saw their fifth year of growth in a row in 2025 with steady increases in weekly and Sunday attendance and strong growth in Christmas and Easter services, an early snapshot of official figures shows.

Overall, there were an estimated 1.023 million regular worshippers across Church of England congregations last year, up 1.4 per cent on 2024, according to preliminary returns for the annual Statistics for Mission report.

It is the fifth year in a row in which attendance both on Sundays and across the week have risen – the first time this has been seen since current records have been kept.

Just under two million people (1.96 million) joined services on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day last year – up 5.5 per cent – in addition to 4.8 million attendances over Advent, a 2.0 per cent rise.

Easter attendance was up 7.8 per cent to just over one million (1.03 million).

Over a typical week an estimated 707,000 people attended Church of England services, up 0.7 per cent on the previous year, and 15.5 per cent higher than 2021 when attendance rebounded after Covid.

Meanwhile average attendance at Sunday services stood at 590,000 – up 1.6 per cent on the 2024 figure. Despite this recent growth, attendance and participation remain below pre-pandemic levels.

The Archbishop of Canterbury, Sarah Mullally, said: “It is so encouraging to see the ways that God is at work in our Church. I give thanks for the clergy, lay people and volunteers who each week make people feel welcome in every parish across our country.”

Debbie Clinton, the Church of England’s Director for Vision and Strategy, said: “From our rural villages to our post-industrial towns, in parishes across the country, churches are reaching out to their communities and sharing the Good News of Jesus Christ. Our 2025 statistics are a testament to their hospitality and faithfulness. We praise God for all that He is doing in His Church.”

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What the PM said to the Archbishop


The Archbishop of Canterbury paid a recent visit to the Prime Minister at Downing Street.

They discussed “the importance of social cohesion, inter-faith relationships and celebrating the UK’s diverse communities in the face of division, including rising antisemitism and anti-Muslim hostility”, according to a spokesperson for No. 10.


They also discussed world events, “including the war in Iran, and its impacts on communities here. They reflected on the millions of individuals around the UK whose selfless acts of service build up the nation.”


Sir Keir is the first explicitly atheist British Prime Minister. But he told Archbishop Mullaly that that it was “important that we talk to each other and we have a proper partnership.”


Sir Keir said: “Government and faith should not be two separate things operating in separate spheres. Many of the values we hold are the same, and therefore we should be trying to work in partnership wherever we can.”


Archbishop Mullally has called for the need to tackle anti-Semitism, and says that identity in the UK has been “misused to intimidate and divide”.  She calls for “a renewal of hope”, “a rejection of hatred and division, and a turning towards one another”.

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Lester Amann considers the man who told the truth to Israel.…


Micah’s Message


Why is the news so full of depressing stories? Why can’t they report some good news for a change? Indeed, our world is always full of troubles, and we may wonder if better times will ever come.

Similar comments might have been directed at many of the Old Testament prophets who nearly always said negative and gloomy things. The people of Micah’s day had many problems. They were surrounded by warring nations and peace in their time was unlikely.

It was Micah’s task, as God’s messenger, to tell the people how it was and how it was going to be, no matter how painful the facts. Micah was deeply concerned with the social ills of his day and spoke out against false prophets who were leading the people into contrived hopes and errors.

Micah was quite forthright. He announced that God would punish the people for their sinfulness and their enemies would overcome them. Micah came with bad news and there seemed no end to his reprimands and denouncements.

But in the desert was an oasis. Amidst his descriptions of imminent pain and suffering, Micah looked forward to a time of peace with freedom from injustice, fear and war. Micah delivered God’s promise that from Bethlehem there would come a ruler to free them from their oppression. Their Saviour would come. (Micah 5:2)

Of course, Micah’s hearers did not understand about the Babe at Bethlehem but were told to stand firm in their faith no matter what troubles or disasters would befall them. They were to look forward to their deliverance whenever that would be.

Amidst Micah’s attack on the deplorable actions of leaders and the nation’s wrong values and behaviour, he gave hope that God was with them in the failures and difficulties. Only God could take them through their troubles to a place of peace.

Micah’s message still stands for us today. God wants us to mend our wilful ways; to correct bad attitudes and behaviour; to strive for heaven’s values of justice, peace, equality, love and harmony.

As we approach a new year, we would do well to respond to Micah’s words: What does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.    (Micah 6:8)

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Church Roof Update.


 There has been no progress during June, the firm making the stainless steel sheeting has had a problem making the complex shapes that are required and it is hoped that the sheets will be ready to fit week commencing 21st June.


As mentioned before the butyl sheeting fitted previously (see photo) is keeping the  area protected from further water ingress until the replacement steel sheets can be installed.


Stop Press - The  replacement steel sheets have been promised to be fitted commencing on the 1st July and we will provide an update once an installation has completed.









Bob Willis

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 Malcolm Brownlee

 

Malcolm, a long serving member of St Mary’s Church, but due to ill health now resides in Reuben Manor Care Home, Eaglescliffe, celebrated his 99th birthday on 22nd June with a large gathering of his family and friends.

 

A very happy birthday Malcolm from all your friends at St Mary’s.





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  July 2026 Diary Page

 

Bible Study (via Zoom) Every Wednesday at 7pm during term time

 

Prayer meeting first Monday in the Month 7pm in church.

 

Saturday 4th 

9.30am            Churchyard tidy / Church cleaning

 

Sunday 5th

9am                Holy Communion

10am              Parish Communion

6.30pm           Evening Prayer

 

Tuesday 7th

10am              Holy Communion

 

Wednesday 8th

Coffee Morning  10am – 11.30am

PCC Meeting       7pm

 

Sunday 12th

9am                Holy Communion

10.00am        Parish Communion

6.30pm          Evening Prayer

 

Tuesday 14th

10am              Holy Communion

 

Sunday 19th

9am                Holy Communion

10am              PARISH COMMUNION

6.30pm           Evening Prayer

 

Tuesday 21st

10am              Holy Communion

 

SUNDAY 26th

9am                Holy Communion

10am              PARISH COMMUNION

6.30pm           Evening Prayer


Tuesday 28th

10am              Holy Communion


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By the Revd Roy Shaw, a retired but active priest in the diocese of York, where he is a spiritual director.

Keep on keeping on


In the church year, we’ve now come to that long season- it seems to go on forever- variously called ‘Trinity’ or ‘Ordinary time’. Each of those labels tells us something about the approximately six months between Pentecost and Advent Sunday. ‘Trinity’ reminds us that with Pentecost, God has made himself known to us in all his fullness (or at least as much as we can bear) as Father, Son and Holy Spirit. ‘Ordinary time’ tells us that this is the season where, now armed with the insights and power of the Holy Spirit, we can revisit the life of Jesus with new eyes, new heart, see new things in the faith, see new opportunities to serve God.


This is the time when those words of Jesus (John 15 v15) ‘I have made known to you everything I have learned from the Father’ come into play. It may seem a long season, it may feel like the drudgery of ‘Keep on keeping on’ without the excitement of Christmas, Easter and Pentecost to lift our spirits, but it is ordinary time charged with the knowledge that we have everything we need in the resources of God. The love of the Father, the words and works of the Son, the power of the Spirit will energise us as we ‘keep on keeping on’ through this long season.


This long season up to the end of November is a reminder that working out our love for God in our community is probably more about perspiration than inspiration. Few are called to be heroes of the faith, but all are called to faithfulness, and somehow or other, with the transforming power of the Spirit, we are all able to keep on keeping on, doing little things with great love.


Here’s a lovely prayer I learned from our son’s godmother which captures some of the mindset of the Trinity season/Ordinary time; it may help you ‘keep on keeping on’ through the months ahead;


Let not our soul be busy inns that have not room for thee and thine, but quiet homes of prayer and praise where thou mayest find fit company; where the needful cares of life are wisely ordered and put away, and wide sweet space is kept for thee.


Amen to that. Ordinary- but challenging!

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Canon Paul Hardingham considers football.


World Cup


Many across the world are united in watching the World Cup in the United States, Mexico and Canada. However, football is more than just a game; it can illustrate some key points about the Christian life. As Paul writes: ‘But one thing I do: forgetting what is behind and straining towards what is ahead, I press on towards the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenwards in Christ Jesus.’ (Philippians 3:13b,14).

A prize to be won: The dream of every player in the competition is to be able to hold up the World Cup themselves. Christians grasp to the prize of eternal life, God’s gift to us of relationship with Jesus for now and eternity. However, there’s an important difference between football and the Christian faith. To win the World Cup you have to be good enough, while Christ’s love for us is underserved and not dependent on how well we’ve done. 

Training to be undertaken: If a team is going to win the World Cup, training is vital! Our training, as Christians, starts the moment we accept the gift of God’s life. On a daily basis, we train ourselves to say no to the wrong things in our lives. As we build up our godly muscles we are better able to choose to do what is right in God’s eyes. To enable us to do all this we need to engage in the spiritual disciplines of prayer, studying the Bible and being part of a church and small group. How is your training going?

The former Liverpool Manager Bill Shankly famously said, ‘Some people believe football is a matter of life and death, I am very disappointed with that attitude. I can assure you it is much, much more important than that!’

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July 2026 Crossword

  

CLUES

Across

1  Proverbs describes her as being ‘of noble character’ (Proverbs 31) (4)

3  ‘Shall we go up again — — against the Benjamites, ’ (Judges 20) (2,6)

8  A descendant of Shem (Genesis 10) (4)

9  ‘Anyone who does not carry his cross and follow me cannot be my — ’ (Luke 14) (8)

11 Resentment (Ephesians 4) (10)

14 In Cain(anag.)(6)

15 ‘Too lofty for me to—’ (Psalm 139) (6)

17 Intense (1 Thessalonians 4) (10)

20 Third Order of the Roman Catholic Church (8)

21 ‘“Come out to — him”’ (Matthew 25) (4)

22 ‘For my power is made perfect in — ’ (2 Corinthians 12) (8)

23 ‘As the — pants for streams of water’ (Psalm 42) (4)

 

Down

1 The Revd G.A. Studdert Kennedy, — Willie (8)

2 Occasion of religious joy (Lamentations 2) (5,3)

4 ‘We three kings of — are’ (6)

5 Allegation or charge (Jude 9) (10)

6 Kind (1 Chronicles 12) (4)

7 ‘Open your — and look at the fields!’ (John 4) (4)

10 Also known as the Feast of Lights (John10) (10)

12 Area that saw the healing of two demon - possessed men and a herd of pigs stampeding to their deaths (Matthew 8) (8)

13 Forebear (James2) (8)

16 Name given to the first two books of the Apocrypha (6)

18 Esau sold his birthright for this (Genesis25) (4)

19 Rear(anag.) (4)


Answers to June Crossword


ACROSS: 1, Wickedness. 7, Harpist. 8, Teach. 10, Side. 11, Impostor. 13, Encamp. 15, Saddle. 17, Ignorant. 18, Tent. 21, Grass. 22, Olivier. 23, Wrongdoers.

 

DOWN: 1, World. 2, Crib. 3, Entomb. 4, National. 5, Started. 6, Whispering. 9, Harvesters. 12, Imprison. 14, Centaur. 16, Unload. 19, Evils, 20, Give.


 

Winner   


Crosswords reproduced by kind permission of BRF and John Capon, originally published in Three Down, Nine Across, by John Capon (£6.99 BRF)

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 July 2026 Anagrams

BALLROOM DANCES

Rearrange these letters to form the names of ten ballroom dances. Answers may consist of one or two words.

 

1.     A BOLD POSE    2.     PICK QUEST    3.     BUTTER JIG    4.     PHIN  LYDO    5.     GRANT TO A ENGINE    6.     A SON OV BAS

 

7.     CATH RELSON    8.     A LASS    9.     ZEVENTAL WINES    10.   POKAL

 

Compiled by Peter Warren

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June Anagram Answers  

 

GILBERT AND SULLIVAN OPERAS: Answers


 1.     THE MIKADO    2.     IOLANTHE    3.     H M S PINAFORE    4.     THE GONDOLIERS    5.     THE PIRATES OF PENZANCE    6.     RUDDIGORE

 7.     THE SORCERER    8.     PRINCESS IDA    9.     TRIAL BY JURY    10.   PATIENCE    11.   THE YEOMEN OF THE GUARD

 

Winner:

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July 2026 Soduko Puzzle

June Sodoku Solution


 

Winners   

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The Revd Dr Jo White continues her series on aspects of Christianity.


Reflected Faith Series: Intercessions


Last month we reflected on the Creed within our service. This month, we consider what comes next.

In the Book of Common Prayer, the Creed and the sermon appear in a different order, but in both traditions intercessions follow. In Common Worship, they come straight after the Creed.


By this point, we may feel we have already prayed a great deal, so what makes intercessions different?


Intercessions focus entirely on the needs of others. They are public prayers, not centred on ‘me’ but on the wider world. They gather the concerns of the Church, the world, our community, those in need, and those who have died, along with those who mourn and as a whole congregation we bring them before God.


They are not, repeat not, a time to slip in a couple of adverts for next week’s summer fair and a prayer for enough volunteers to come forward – please see Mrs Jones after the service – or to tell the congregation of someone’s ill health or funeral arrangements!


These prayers usually follow that order, though sometimes in reverse. Either way, there is a clear pattern that helps the congregation engage. We may begin broadly with the world and move towards the local and personal, or start close to home and widen our view.


For example, with a theme such as farming, intercessions might include churches in rural communities worldwide, countries dependent on food production, government ministers responsible for agriculture and fisheries, local farmers and food workers, and those in need or recently bereaved within the community.


Style matters as much as content. These are the prayers of the people, so they should use language that feels natural and accessible. Often, simplicity works best.


This month

Listen carefully to the intercessions when you attend a service. Do they follow a clear, engaging pattern? Is the language accessible? Which prayers stay with you through the week? Who leads them, and from where?

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Canon Paul Hardingham continues his series on the books of the Bible.


What’s the Big Idea? – An Introduction to the

books of the Bible: 1 Thessalonians.


1 Thessalonians is the earliest of Paul’s letters, written when he was in Corinth during his second missionary journey (Acts 18:1–18) in 49–51 AD. Thessalonica was the capital of the Roman province of Macedonia, as well as being a flourishing centre for trade and philosophy. After founding the church (Acts 17:1–9) Paul was forced to leave, when he was falsely accused of speaking against Caesar. As the new Christians were left with little spiritual support, Paul wrote this letter to encourage them.

Paul addresses a number of issues throughout this letter. As they weren’t expecting persecution, Paul reminds them that this is normal Christian experience (3:3–4). He also challenges those in the church who were living off wealthier Christians rather than earning their own living (4:9–12; 5:14).

However, the most prominent theme in letter is the second coming of Jesus. It is mentioned in every chapter of the book (1:10; 2:19–20; 3:13; 4:13–18; 5:1–11, 23–24). The Thessalonian were unclear about the timing of the day of the Lord (5:1–2). Some church members had died (4:13), and people weren’t sure what would happen to them at Christ’s return (3:10; 4:13). However, Paul assures them that when Jesus returns, the dead in Christ will rise to meet the Lord with the living (4:15–17).  Therefore, believers don’t need to fear God’s wrath, but rather are assured of inheriting his salvation.

Living in the light of Christ’s return calls for holy and blameless lives (3:11–4:8; 5:23). ‘May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ.’ (5:23).


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  14th July - John Keble, priest, Tractarian and poet.


John Keble is remembered for the spirituality of his hymns, and for being one of the leaders in the conservative Tractarian Movement of the 1830s, which aimed to defend the Church’s Catholic heritage from the power of Parliament. Keble College Oxford was dedicated in his memory.

Keble was born into a clergy family in 1792, and his brilliance at Oxford led to him being elected a Fellow of Oriel College when only 19. In 1815, aged 23, he was ordained deacon and worked at Oriel as a tutor. But Keble yearned for parish life and so left Oxford in 1823 to be curate in his father’s church in Gloucestershire. His new life gave him time to write hymns, some of which are still known today, such as New Every Morning and Blest are the Pure in Heart. But then in 1831 his poetry and hymns gained him election as Professor of Poetry back at Oxford.

The 1830s were a troubled time for the Church of England. Many conservative clergy were concerned by the reforms being carried out between Church and State by the Whig government. In 1833 Keble used his Assize Sermon to clearly protest against the Church of England being made subordinate to Parliament, as it was no longer exclusively Anglican. His views were very popular in the clerical circles of deeply conservative Oxford.

But although Keble went on to write nine of the 90 Tracts for the Times, and engaged in some debate, he did not enjoy controversy or the limelight. He was at heart a scholarly parish priest, and so in 1836 he left Oxford again, for 30 years of parish life in Hursley, where he sought to revive sacramental confession in the Church.

As in the words of one of his hymns, his prayer was always above all:

Only, O Lord, in thy dear love, Fit us for perfect rest above;

And help us, this and every day, To live more nearly as we pray.

Keble died in 1866, and four years later, Keble College at Oxford was founded and dedicated to his memory.

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David Pickup, a lawyer, considers writing a letter


Best handwriting please!

See how large a letter I have written unto you with my own hand. (Galatians 6 v 11)

I am sat in a train and most of my fellow passengers are preparing for their important days by typing away on laptops and checking their phones. I am probably only person who has a notebook open beside them with a list of things to do, written in pencil. A couple of weeks ago I was waiting for a train and a member of staff noted I was writing a letter with “one of those things,” meaning a fountain pen.

Being a lawyer I am supposed to be traditional and old fashioned. I still like writing letters and receiving postcards. Notes written in pencil work when there is a good signal or none. I was often told at school not to use pencil as it faded over time. I remember reading official war diaries written in the trenches in pencil that crystal clear after eighty years, so Nerr, teacher, you were wrong!

Paul had a secretary to write for him. Perhaps his eyesight was failing or his handwriting had got worse with time as it does for most of us. Several times, St Paul ends his letters by taking the pen from his secretary and writing himself. He did it to emphasise a point or to add a human touch.

The world we live in needs clear, bold words and the Church must write them.

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Canon Paul Hardingham begins a seven-part series. This will run until the July issue.

 

The Seven Deadly Sins: Sloth

 

‘Through laziness, the rafters sag; because of idle hands, the house leaks.’ (Ecclesiastes 10:18).


This month we are looking at Sloth, the last of the Seven Deadly Sins. This is more than just laziness! The Latin root of the word is ‘acedia’ (‘without care’), meaning it represents spiritual apathy, distraction or indifference in our lives. Sloth can have a significant effect on our spiritual lives, as it enables other sins to gain a foothold eg lust, anger or envy. Another consequence is that we can fail to respond to God’s calling in our lives and his gifts go unused. There is no satisfaction in sloth, as real joy comes when we are ready to step out of our comfort zones for God.


How do we overcome sloth in our lives? Paul writes, ‘Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord’ (Colossians 3:23). We can ask ourselves some key questions:


Am I living with unconfessed sin? Can I identify sins or habits that are getting in the way of my spiritual intimacy with God? 


Have I neglected the spiritual disciplines? In what ways have I neglected spending quality time with God in prayer, reading his Word or being still in his presence?


What fills my mind daily? What are the distractions that occupy my time and thinking eg social media, technology, people or habits? How can I let go of these things to give space for listening to God?


The Holy Spirit can convict us of those things that we need to confess and let go. Are we ready to switch off our screens, seek to help others in need and give time to God?


‘Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervour, serving the Lord.’ (Romans 12:11)

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Tim Lenton considers the founding of America.

The US Declaration of Independence – 4th July 1776

It was 250 years ago, on 4th July 1776, that the US Declaration of Independence was adopted by the Second Continental Congress.

The original signed parchment still exists, behind bullet-proof glass at the National Archives in Washington, but copies were quickly printed and distributed on the day – not all of them totally accurate. Its creation followed considerable conflict between the colonies and the British Parliament, reaching a head in late 1775 when Parliament prohibited trade with the colonies. This followed other measures, including what was regarded by some as unfair taxation without representation.

An original draft of the Declaration was made by Thomas Jefferson, but it was amended by Benjamin Franklin and John Adams, who omitted passages likely to offend the more conservative colonists, such as the suggestion that King George III was to blame for transatlantic slave trade, or anything that accused the British people rather than their government.

The most important effect of the Declaration from a diplomatic point of view was to make possible relationships between the colonists and friendly foreign governments. But it had a substantial effect elsewhere. Anglican clergy felt conflicted because they had sworn an oath to the King as Supreme Governor of the Church of England, and supporting independence would mean breaking that oath. Many colonies made public prayers for the King acts of treason, and this in part led Anglicans to recreate themselves as the Protestant Episcopal Church.

The Declaration itself could be described as a Christian document, reflecting Judeo-Christian values, as Abraham Lincoln made clear in his Gettysburg Address in 1863, quoting its second sentence:  “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness

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Looking back on 20 years with Twitter….

Twenty years ago, on 15th July 2006, Twitter, the online micro-blogging service, was launched.

It had been developed earlier that year by Jack Dorsey, Biz Stone, Evan Williams and Noah Glass at the podcasting company Odeo. Originally named “twttr”, it was thought of as an SMS-based, short messaging service, at first with a 140-character limit. It became Twitter within six months of its launch.

Originally a side project, the free application let users share short status updates with friends by sending one text message to a single number (“40404”). Within a few years, it exploded in popularity until it became one of the world’s top social networking platforms.

Its name was obviously inspired by bird sounds, after some other suggestions – including FriendStalker – had been rejected. The first ever tweet was sent by Dorsey on the prototype platform on March 21 – “just setting up my twttr”.

The company became more prominent with the election of President Donald Trump in 2016. He used Twitter throughout his campaign and made announcements on it during his administration. Banned in 2021 for allegedly using it to incite violence, he was later reinstated under new owner Elon Musk, who acted as CEO until July 2023, when he was succeeded by Linda Yaccarino. She resigned in July last year. Meanwhile, Twitter had become X, with Musk intending it to expand to become a “digital market place”.

Like other social media companies, Twitter/X has faced strong pressure to police content more closely, in order to deter hate speech, misinformation and pornography, among other things. But it is used by many Christians to discuss key issues of faith and culture, and for sharing devotional content, prayer requests and #happysunday messages.

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Here are some tips for a cooler house

If the summer heat is getting to you, you might consider the following:

Close your curtains and blinds during the day. Block out the sunlight. That may be hard to do in a country where we don’t see the sun as often as we’d like, but sadly that sunlight pouring through your windows will not only brighten but also heat up your house.

At night, aim to create a breeze that flows through your house. This is easy to do – simply open windows on opposite walls or at opposite sides of your home. Let the air circulate as much as possible.

Try to reduce heat from your appliances. Your stove, television, dishwasher, hairdryer, fridge and freezer all generate some heat. Can you do without any of these during the daytime?

Aim for cool flooring. Try and use wood flooring and ceramic or porcelain tiles in that is why we like them in the winter.

Consider using breathable fabrics over your sofa and chairs. Sitting on natural fabrics such as cotton or linen throws is cooler than sitting on man-made fabrics.

If all else fails, try an electric fan, placed on the floor in front of a bowl of ice water, and aimed at the opposite wall of your room. But they are expensive to run, and do not cool the air. They merely increase the velocity of it, so that it feels cooler.

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Have you noticed the seagulls lately?


Or rather – the lack of them?

A recent survey published by the British Trust for Ornithology (BTO), found that the total number of gulls wintering in the UK has fallen from 3.9 million to just under 2.5 million over the past two decades.

It is thought that the reason for the decline of gulls is due to improvements in waste management, both on our streets and in landfill.  Avian flu, agricultural practices and climate change may have also played a part.

The survey targeted the black-headed gull, common gull, lesser black-headed gull, herring gull, and black-backed gulls. It found all species, apart from herring gulls, had declined.

The great black-backed gull, the UK’s largest, saw a 66 per cent drop in numbers wintering in the UK. Black-headed gulls declined by almost half. Common gull numbers fell by 26 per cent, and those of lesser black-backed gulls dropped by 47 per cent.

Emma Caulfield, a BTO research ecologist and survey co-ordinator, said: “These figures are pretty alarming. Despite these smart and adaptable birds figuring out how to live alongside us, the ever-changing world appears to be moving too fast for them to keep up.”

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Tim Lenton considers the creation of our first cloned mammal.


Remembering Dolly – the cloned sheep


Thirty years ago, on 5th July 1996, Dolly the sheep was born at the Roslin Institute in Edinburgh. She was the first cloned mammal.

Dolly had three mothers: one provided the egg, another the DNA, and a third carried the cloned embryo to term. Her existence was announced the following February, resulting in much media attention and no little controversy. There was a special report in Time magazine, and TV showed a commercial featuring Scottish scientists playing with sheep.

Dolly was widely featured as the scientific breakthrough of the year. Even though she was not the first animal cloned, she was the first cloned from an adult cell. The process was extremely inefficient, with Dolly the only lamb surviving to adulthood from 277 attempts in 1996.

Several animals had been cloned before Dolly, including frogs in 1952 and 1958. Even mammals had been cloned – sheep in 1984 and cows in 1987 – but the key difference with Dolly was that she was cloned from a reprogrammed adult somatic cell, instead of embryonic cells.

Dolly lived for six and a half years. She was euthanised in 2003 after developing a progressive lung disease not uncommon in sheep, particularly those spending their lives indoors, like Dolly. Sheep of a similar breed usually live for ten to twelve years, but scientists did not think her life was shortened because she was a clone.

Her body was preserved and is on display at the National Museum of Scotland in Edinburgh.

Cloning, particularly cloning of mammals, has led to concerns among some Christians that the bounds of the natural order are being overstepped. If the process were extended to humans (monkeys were cloned in 2018 and 2024 in China for medical research), there have been fears that this would be too much like “playing God”.

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Holiday soothies

For dealing with motion sickness, ginger capsules are your new friend.  Available from any health store, they do a wonderful job in calming upset tummies.

For fever or frayed tempers, take some camomile tea bags with you. Camomile tea doesn’t just calm your nerves; cooled down, the tea also soothes sunburn.

For banning mosquitoes & insomnia, take some essential oil of lavender. Mosquitoes hate the smell, so if you put a few drops around your pillow at night, you can help keep them at bay – and help yourself drift off to sleep.


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 Is danger lurking in your fridge?


When you look in your fridge, what do you see? Milk, butter, vegetables and last night’s leftovers?

So far, so good. But what about the things that you don’t see?  A recent survey of people’s fridges found that more than half of them were harbouring dangerous bacteria such as E. coli, salmonella and listeria. So, it seems that unless we take care of our fridges, they can become playgrounds for germs.

Veggie drawers with bits of slimy carrots or liquefying greens have been found to harbour more bacteria per square centimetre than a toilet seat. Plates of raw meat can be a bacterial timebomb. Even door seals and fridge handles can be a germ hotspot.

The key thing is to regularly wipe shelves and drawers down with a mild disinfectant, remove stale food, and to keep the temperature of the fridge at five degrees. Don’t overcrowd your fridge (which can block air circulation) and don’t engage in the classic ‘fridge food linger,’ staring into the open fridge while deciding what you want to eat. Warm air will be rushing in.

Your fridge is the hardest working appliance in your kitchen, but it needs your help.

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Why our ‘crumbling infrastructure’ is hurting older people


Poorly paved roads, unsafe crossings and poor public toilets are slowing people down.  Especially older people. Rather than getting out and about in their communities, they tend to feel safer staying inside.

But the lack of regular, positive exercise is a danger for them. Such is the verdict of a recent report from MPs serving on the Health and Social Care Select Committee.

The MPs stress that what they call Britain’s ‘crumbling infrastructure’ is leading to many preventable health conditions, ranging from obesity, type 2 diabetes, heart disease, cancer, the onset of frailty, dementia and disability.

Figures suggest that 44 per cent of people aged 75 or older are doing less than 30 minutes of moderate physical activity per week. In the UK, lack of activity is associated with a staggering one in six deaths and is estimated to cost £7.4bn a year.

So, the MPs are calling for local action to fix streets and crossings, and to put in more toilets and public seating, as well as better national transport.

Layla Moran, the chairman of the health select committee, said: “Staying physically active can help older people to live not just longer, but healthier, happier, more sociable lives.”

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God and the Americans – 250 years on


In July 1776, there were roughly 2.5 million Americans in the Thirteen Colonies.

Those who went to church worshipped in about 3,228 Christian congregations, made up of about 14 various denominations. These included: Anglicans, Baptists, Congregationalists, Dutch Reformed, Methodists, Quakers, Presbyterians, and Roman Catholics.

Today, there are about 342.5 million Americans.

Those who go to church, worship in about 325,000 Christian congregations, and can choose from a staggering 200 different denominations, as well as thousands of independent congregations.

A recent survey from the Pew Research Centre found that today, about 17 per cent of Americans would like the government to declare Christianity the official religion of the USA. But two-thirds of Americans believe that churches and other places of worship should ‘keep out of political matters.’

The most popular view (43%) is that the government should “promote Christian moral values without making Christianity the official religion”.

This is followed (38 per cent) by the belief that the government should “neither establish an official religion nor promote Christian values”.

“In God We Trust” first appeared on US coins in 1864. In 1956 President Dwight D. Eisenhower signed a law officially making “In God We Trust” the national motto of the United States. It remains in place as the USA’s official motto today.

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The Rectory

St James the Least of All


My dear Nephew Darren


So, now you have enjoyed your first Summer Fete. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. It may be small consolation but remember that they only happen once a year – although in your case, you still have another 30 to endure before retirement.


I negotiated our own last week. As usual, the band from our neighbouring parish of St Eusebius played. There has been much bad blood in the past between our two villages. The trouble started on the day that St James the Least of All never told St Eusebius that the Vikings were coming up the river. We may have long since buried the hatchet, but both sides remember where they put it.


Tension between the two communities down the centuries has moved on from occasional slaughter to something a little more refined. Just as I began my opening speech to crown the Rose Queen, the band struck up with the National Anthem. When the hog roast started, they played “smoke gets in your eyes” and when it came to the necessary music for the maypole dancing, they all disappeared into the beer tent.


With great Christian charity, we shall bide our time. In September we have the annual football match between the two churches’ Servers. Last year, in addition to winning the match, the St James’ boys sent three of their side off with concussion. Naturally, I visited them in hospital.


Miss Prendergast, as always, played Gypsy Rose Lee. If the tall, dark, dear lady tells me one more time that I am about to find romance with a tall dark lady, while she flutters her eyelashes at me, I swear I shall throttle her with a bell rope. Besides, I already have a beautiful dark lady in my life – and my Labrador is devoted to me.


The only real hiccough came when I bought 12 packets of fudge from Mrs Masheder to present to our choirboys. Yet again, she had misread salt for sugar in the recipe. After I presented the packets at Mattins the following day, a formal complaint was rapidly made by a parent to the police that the Rector was attempting to poison their son. But as I explained to the officer, if I had intended to poison anyone, I would have done it far more discreetly – and infinitely more efficiently.


Your loving uncle,

Eustace

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BOOK REVIEW


Pilgrim Places, Holy Lives – a Gospel Journey with the English Saints

Church of England, CHP, £3.99


The greatest story ever told is of God becoming human in Jesus Christ to offer us a transforming relationship with Him. This book explores how this amazing story took root in Anglo-Saxon England, and how those who responded to it can still inspire and encourage us today.


Through eight places of spiritual awakening and the saints associated with them, Pilgrim Places offers 24 days of Bible readings, reflections, questions and prayers on the ancient practice of pilgrimage. From Durham to Canterbury, Lindisfarne to Lastingham, it will help you reflect on what it means to live as a pilgrim.


Each week focuses on two saints who dedicated their lives to God and shared the gospel with others: the Venerable Bede of Durham; Bertha of Canterbury; Cuthbert of Lindisfarne; Cedd of Lastingham; Frideswide of Oxford; Etheldreda of Ely; Alcuin of York; and Hilda of Whitby. The saints are not merely remarkable people from the past, but fellow travellers on the pilgrim journey who can shape our identity, our worship, and our witness to the world today.


Contributors include Sarah Mullally, Stephen Cottrell, Dee Dyas, James Shelton, Sammi Tooze, Sally Welch, Jenny Wright and Alexandra Zhirnova.

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 All in the month of July.

It was:

250 years ago, on 4th July 1776 that the US Declaration of Independence was adopted by the Second Continental Congress.

250 years ago, from 12th July 1776 to 4th October 1780, that the British explorer Captain James Cook made his third and final voyage. He travelled to New Zealand and Hawaii, where he was killed in a violent exchange with the local people.

200 years ago, on 4th July 1826 that Stephen Foster, the ‘father of American music’ was born. His songs include Oh! Susanna, Camptown Races, and Swanee River.

Also 200 years ago, on 5th July 1826 that Sir Stamford Raffles, Lieutenant-Governor of the Dutch East Indies and later of Bencoolen (now in Sumatra) died. He was the founder of modern Singapore.

175 years ago, on 3rd July 1851 that Charles Bannerman, British-born Australian cricketer, was born. He scored the first-ever run in Test cricket, and also scored the first century in Test cricket.

Also 175 years ago, on 10th July 1851 that Louis Daguerre, French photographer and artist who invented the daguerreotype photography process was born. Regarded as one of the fathers of photography.

Also 175 years ago, on 24th July 1851 that the Window Tax was abolished in England and Wales. The tax was introduced in 1696 and was based on the number of windows in a house. It led to many windows being bricked up. It was replaced by a tax on inhabited buildings.

125 years ago, on 9th July 1901 that Dame Barbara Cartland, romantic novelist, was born.  She wrote 723 novels, including 23 in a single year, and sold more than one billion copies of her books.

100 years ago, on 15th July 1926 that Leopoldo Galtieri was born. As president/military ruler of Argentina, he ordered Argentina’s invasion of the Falkland Islands.

90 years ago, on 24th July 1936 that the speaking clock telephone service was launched in the UK.

80 years ago, on 22nd July 1946 that the King David Hotel in Jerusalem was attacked. The Irgun (a militant right-wing Zionist group) bombed the hotel which housed the British administrative headquarters for Palestine. 91 people were killed.

75 years, on 13th July 1951 that Arnold Schoenberg, the Austrian-born American composer died. One of the most influential composers of the 20th century, though the Nazis considered his music degenerate, because he was Jewish.

60 years ago, on 30th July 1966 that the 1966 FIFA World Cup final took place. England beat Germany 4 – 2.  English player Geoff Hurst became the first (and only) player to score a hat-trick in a World Cup final.

50 years ago, on 4th July 1976 that Operation Entebbe took place. Israeli commandos staged a counter-terrorist hostage-rescue mission at Entebbe Airport in Uganda, following the hijacking of an Air France plane on 27th June.

Also 50 years ago, on 20th July 1976 that NASA’s Viking 1 lander successfully landed on Mars, and sent back the first photographs from the surface of Mars.

Also 50 years ago, on 29th July 1976 that the pier-head of Southend Pier in Essex was destroyed by fire. It is the world’s longest pier.  It re-opened in 1986, but then a tanker crashed into it, creating a 70-foot gap.  It reopened again in 1989, but two further fires, in 1999 and 2005, caused significant damaged.  It reopened in July 2012.

40 years ago, on 23rd July 1986 that the marriage of Prince Andrew and Sarah Ferguson in Westminster Abbey took place. They became the Duke and Duchess of York and divorced in 1996.

Also 40 years ago, on 28th July 1986 that British estate agent Suzy Lamplugh failed to return from an appointment in London, sparking the biggest missing person investigation since Lord Lucan. She has never been found.

30 years ago, on 1st July 1996 that candidates taking the British driving test also had to pass a written exam for the first time.

30 years ago, on 5th July 1996 that Dolly the sheep was born. She was the first cloned mammal at the Roslin Institute in Edinburgh. Died in 2003.

25 years ago, on 2nd July 2001 that Barry George was convicted of killing British TV presenter Jill Dando in April 1999. He was sentenced to life imprisonment, but later acquitted and the case remains unsolved.

20 years ago, on 1st July 2006 that Fred Trueman, cricket player and broadcaster died.  Seen as one of the greatest bowlers in cricketing history.

Also 20 years ago, on 15th July 2006 that Twitter, the online micro-blogging service, was launched.

Also 20 years ago, on 20th July 2006 that Tesla Motors unveiled its first model, the Tesla Roadster. It went on sale in February 2008.

15 years ago, on 9th July 2011 that South Sudan gained its independence from Sudan. It is the world’s newest country.

10 years ago, on 13th July 2016 that Theresa May became Prime Minister (until 2019) after David Cameron resigned following the UK’s referendum on leaving the European Union. Also 10 years ago, on 26th July that Hillary Clinton became the first woman to be nominated for President of the USA by a major political party (Democrats). She lost to Donald Trump in the election that November.

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Smile Lines


Hymns for professionals

Dentist: Crown Him with many crowns.

Contractor: The church’s one foundation
Obstetrician: Come, labour on.
Golfer: There is a green hill far away.
Politician: Standing on the promises.
Librarian: Let all mortal flesh keep silence.
Barrister: In the hour of trial.
Dry Cleaner:  O for a faith that will not shrink.
Census taker: All people that on earth do dwell.
Tax officer: We give thee but thine own.
Traffic patrol: Where cross the crowded ways of life.
Credit card user: A charge to keep have I.
Thief’s son: Rob
Lawyer’s son: Will
Fisherman’s daughter: Annette
Meteorologist’s daughter: Haley
Steam shovel operator’s son: Doug
Hairdresser’s son: Bob
Gourmet chef’s son: Herb
Justice of the Peace’s daughter: Mary
Sound stage technician’s son: Mike
Hot dog vendor’s son: Frank
Gambler’s daughter: Bette
Gambler’s son: Chip
Exercise guru’s son: Jim
Astronomer’s daughter: Skye
Cattle thief’s son: Russell
Painter’s son: Art
Iron worker’s son: Rusty
TV star’s daughter: Emmy
Movie star’s son: Oscar
Barber’s son: Harry
**

It depends on who you are, as to what you see…

A man fell into a pit and couldn’t get himself out…

~ A subjective person came along and said, “I feel for you down there.”

~ An objective person walked by and said, “It’s logical that someone would fall down there.”

~ A mathematician calculated how deep the pit was.

~ A news reporter wanted the exclusive story on the pit.

~ HMRC asked if he was paying taxes on the pit.

~ A Pharisee said, “Only bad people fall into pits.”

~ A self-pitying person said, “You haven’t seen anything until you’ve seen my pit.”

~ A psychologist noted, “Your mother and father are to blame for your being in that pit.”

~ A self-esteem therapist said, “Believe in yourself and you can get out of that pit.”

~ An optimist said, “Things could be worse.”

~ A pessimist claimed, “Things will get worse.”

Jesus, seeing the man, took him by the hand and lifted him out of the pit.

**

 

 

Flight path

Windsor Castle, outside of London, is directly in the flight path of Heathrow International Airport. While a group of American tourists was standing outside the castle admiring the elegant structure, a plane flew overhead at a relatively low altitude, making a tremendous noise. One particularly annoyed tourist demanded: “Why did they build the castle so close to the airport?”

**

Appropriate baby names

Lawyer’s daughter: Sue

**

Ten ways the Bible would have been different if it had been written by college students

10. The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning…cold.

9 The Ten Commandments would be only five, double-spaced and written in a large font.

8. A new edition would be written every two years, to limit reselling.

7. Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn’t cafeteria food.

6. Paul’s letter to the Romans becomes Paul’s email to External link opens in new tab or windowabuse@romans.gov

5. Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.

4. The place where the end of the world occurs: Finals, not Armageddon.

3. Out go the mules, in comes the mountain bikes.

2. Reason why Moses and followers walked in the desert for 40 years: They didn’t want to ask directions and look like freshmen.

1. Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was due and then done an all-nighter.

**

Adopted

The teacher’s young pupils were discussing a picture of a family. One little boy in the picture had a different hair colour than the other members. One of the children suggested that he was adopted. A little girl said, “I know all about adoption; I was adopted.”

“What does it mean to be adopted?” asked another child.

“It means”, said the girl, “that you grew in your mommy’s heart instead of her tummy.”

**

Who I am

An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. “Where would you like to sit?” he asked politely.

“The front row please.” she answered.

“You really don’t want to do that”, the usher said. “The vicar is boring.”

“Do you happen to know who I am?” the woman inquired. The man shook his head. “Well, I’m the vicar’s mother,” she said indignantly.

Do you know who I am?” he asked. The woman shook her head. “Good,” he grinned.

**

Never too old for cricket

 “Well, well,” said the old gentleman to some boys who were playing cricket. “I wish I could join your game, but I’m too old.”

“You CAN join in,” said one young player. “Our ball has just gone through that window. You can go and ask for it back.”

**

Lists

I love to make a list. When I get to the shops and find that I have left it behind on the kitchen counter, I like to try and guess what I put onto it.

**

Bucket list

I’m proud to announce that I have completed the first item on my bucket list. I have the bucket.

**

Editor:  We have Grove Booklets to thank for this one!

Ode to Spell Checkers

I have a spelling checker

Eye ran this poem threw it.

A checker is a blessing.

Each frays comes posed up on my screen

Bee fore wee rote with checkers

And now bee cause my spelling

To rite with care is quite a feet

That’s why eye brake in two averse

I disk covered four my PC.
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot see.
Your sure real glad two no.
Its very polished in its weigh,
My checker tolled me sew.
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when aye rime.
Eye trussed too bee a joule.
The checker pours o’er every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.
Hour spelling was inn deck line,
Butt now when wee dew have a laps,
Wee are not maid too wine.
Is checked with such grate flare,
There are know faults in awl this peace,
Of nun eye am a wear.
Of witch won should be proud,
And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
Sew flaws are knot aloud.
Cuz Eye dew want too please.
Sow glad eye yam that aye did bye
This soft wear four pea seas.

Grove Booklets




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