September 2024 Magazine
We would like to think there is a lot of interest in the articles we have chosen and that it is ideal for you to dip in and out of and not read them all at once !!! Due to problems obtaining photos and cliparts there will be less of them.
Pauline & Bob - co-editors..
Updated 8th September 2024
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Dear Friends
I visited St Andrews recently, and took a walk round the Castle. One memorable feature of the place is that it witnessed the beginnings of the Church of Scotland. The castle was the residence of Cardinal David Beaton, and in 1546 he had the Protestant preacher George Wishart burnt in the forecourt. In response, a group of Protestant radicals occupied the Castle, murdered the Cardinal, and hanged his naked body out the Castle tower (before pickling it in a barrel of brandy). While they occupied the Castle – which was besieged by the government - this Protestant group formed the congregation out of which came the Church of Scotland as it exists now.
It was not only in Scotland that violence was the companion of the Christian churches. My bedtime reading just now is Lives of the Saints, and when I look at those commemorated in this month of September I find many English, Welsh and Scottish martyrs from the sixteenth and seventeenth centuries. Thomas Johnson was a priest at the London Charterhouse, who, with nine others, was put in prison because they refused to accept Henry VIII as the supreme head of the Church of England. There they were left to starve to death. Johnson died on September 20, 1534. Move North again. George Douglas, a Roman Catholic priest, was hanged, drawn, and quartered at York on September 9, 1587 for persuading the Queen’s subjects to embrace his faith; and two years later, on September 24th, William Spencer suffered the same fate there, together with Robert Hardesty who had done no more than shelter him. William Way was executed on September 9th, 1588, not for any Romanising activity, but just because he had entered the realm as a Catholic priest. There are many more, but I need not list them all. The Church of Scotland and the Church we love alike owe something to those who dipped their hands in their brethren’s blood.
It is understandable that someone like Nero, who did not believe in the Christian God, who indeed imagined he himself was a god, thought fit to persecute Christians; it is not hard to comprehend the Chinese Communist party, which regards atheism as part of its creed, and so considers Christianity and Christians as threats to its ideology and power also persecutes us; one sees why the Jews stoned to death Stephen, the first Christian martyr: but it is horrifying to read that one type of Christian has persecuted their brothers of the same faith in the cruellest ways. No doubt, martyrs were fortified by their faith to give up their lives for God, and so could endure extraordinary cruelty. One thinks of Nicholas Ridley, the first Anglican Bishop of London, whose martyrdom at the stake was not the usual swift suffocation from smoke but rather was a protracted agony because he was actually burnt alive. But for all the greatness of the martyrs, it is a relief that in the twenty-first century we in this country no longer settle our theological differences by killing one another. Whatever their differences, the Christians of the twenty-first century contend with words on their media platforms and set up different groups advocating their theology and opinions. We have given up the sanguinary methods of our predecessors, and have disconnected the faith from violence
Yet Christianity began with bloodshed. Only it begins for the best of reasons. Jesus Christ sacrificed Himself and willingly let His own blood to enable us to enter life eternal. This bloodshed, unlike the killing perpetrated by human beings, was necessary: it was the way in which mankind were reconciled to God. It was a shedding of blood that brings peace to us all. Only God can do this. We had best leave it to Him.
Norma
Ian Rankin
It was with great sadness I learnt of the death of Ian. He was a regular at our 10am Communion service each Sunday, and a very keen member of our monthly Church Gardening group.
We got into the routine of having a chat after the service as he usually sat a few seats in front of me.
As I say, it was very sad to hear of his death, but it was not a surprise, as he told me some time ago about the very aggressive cancer he suffered with, and despite the intensive treatment he was receiving, he knew his time was limited.
I was amazed by his reaction to this news – there was no anger, or bitterness. Instead, he had a quiet calm and peacefulness about him.
He told me he had put his personal affairs in order and had spoken to all of his family, even managing to joke with them as he was saving them care home fees! Quite remarkable.
Towards the end of his life our chat became shorter, as he had difficulty speaking. But three topics he always talked about, which were very close to his heart:
How much he loved his family
His great Christian faith
And – Scotland – you can take the man out of Scotland, but you will never take Scotland out of the man.
Rest in Peace Ian.
Barry Lomas
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Notes from the Editors
Service booklets
Those who attend the communion services will have noticed that occasionally it is a different Service Book they are given to use. When Norma first came she introduced different booklets depending on which Sunday it would be, ie. Easter Sunday. Also there were three different 'Common Time' booklets obviously labelled Common Time 1 - 2 or 3. We haven't been using the last two therefore it was decided to make monthly changes, so over three months all the three booklets would be used. It has the benefit that instead of going through the service in the same old way without thinking, now there's a different order or different words. Makes one think about what we are about during a service. A heads up, September 8th will be Common Time 1 and October will be Common Time 2.
Coins
During the past weeks those counting the money have noticed that 1 euro coins have been in the collection monies. They are virtually identical to our pound coins, if you could please check that your holiday money is separate from your pound coins. The bank won't accept the euro coins, then St Marys is a pound down on its collection..
Thanks
Bob / Pauline.
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Fewer priests ahead?
The number of people offering themselves for ordination to the Church of England has fallen by 38 per cent since 2020.
In the autumn of 2020, there were 591 men and women beginning ordination training. This autumn it will be about 370.
The Ministry Council has said the goal is to secure a “stable” number of 7600 full-time clergy, factoring in their projected retirements. To achieve this, the Church needs about 630 newly ordained ministers a year.
The Bishop of Chester, who chairs the Ministry Council, recently told General Synod that some of the factors affecting people’s decision have been identified. These include: local clergy wellbeing (or lack of it), demographic changes in society, lack of diocesan resources for vocations outreach work, suspicion of the CofE as an institution, concern over the Living in Love and Faith initiative, and the size of the clergy stipend package (there is considerable financial anxiety among existing clergy).
But, as one Diocesan Director of Ordinands said recently on social media, “We can’t really ask the missing candidates why they didn’t come forward. We can only speculate…”
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End the ‘scandal’ of the need for food banks, General Synod hears
Public policy needs to address the ‘root causes’ of rising levels of poverty, the General Synod was recently told, in a debate where members voted to express concern over increasing levels of dependence on food banks.
Synod members noted the ‘major contribution’ to social welfare being made by churches and others in the provision of food banks, but said that some organisations providing emergency food aid were being driven to ‘breaking point’ by demand.
Members welcomed the help provided under the previous Government to less well-off households, but noted that this had not solved dependence which is being driven by ‘serious inadequacies’ in the social security system.
The Synod voted to back a call for the Church of England bishops to press the Government for a review of the adequacy of social security provision, and to consider the feasibility of introducing an ‘Essentials Guarantee.’
The Guarantee would tie the rate of benefits to the cost of essentials, measured annually through an independent process.
The Synod voted further to urge the bishops and in particular those in the House of Lords to engage with the Government and “strongly encourage” the Government to do “everything possible” to bring about an immediate end to the two-child benefit limit.
Introducing the debate, on the Sheffield Diocesan Synod motion, Ven Malcolm Chamberlain, from the Diocese of Sheffield, told the Synod that the need for food banks was “nothing short of a scandal”.
He quoted figures from the Trussell Trust charity that their food banks had distributed more than 3.1 million emergency food parcels during the year ending in March.
This was the biggest number of parcels ever distributed in a single year, he said, and nearly double the number distributed five years ago. More than a million of these were to households with children, he added.
He said The Children’s Society expects the number of children living in poverty in the UK to reach five million this year.
“Foodbanks are an essential provision, but the Trussell Trust and others agree that they and other social initiatives are not a satisfactory way of tackling the underlying problem of poverty in our society,” he said.
“Public policy needs to go further upstream to address the root causes.”
He added: “Poverty is causing too much suffering and damage for us to simply accept it as an unavoidable inevitability. Despite the financial challenges, we are not a poor nation incapable of caring for our most vulnerable citizens.”
The debate heard several speakers from across the country giving examples of churches providing help to people struggling to cover basic costs.
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September Diary Page
BIBLE STUDY RESUMES ON TUESDAY 10th SEPTEMBER THEN EVERY FOLLOWING TUESDAY DURING TERM TIME ONLY
PRAYER MEETING WILL NOW TAKE PLACE ON THE FIRST MONDAY IN THE MONTH
Sunday 1st
TRINITY 14
9.00am Holy Communion
10.00am Parish Communion
6.30pm Evening Prayer
Monday 2nd
7.00pm Prayer Meeting
Saturday 7th
9.30am Church/Churchyard tidy
Sunday 8th
TRINITY 15
9.00am Holy Communion
10.00am Parish Communion
6.30pm Evening Prayer
Tuesday 10th
10.00am Holy Communion
7.00pm Bible Study (via Zoom)
Wednesday 11th
COFFEE MORNING
10.00am – 11.30am
Saturday 14th
12 noon Harvest Lunch (The Apple Tree, Marton)
Sunday 15th
HARVEST Donations (to be given to the Foodbank)
can be brought to any service
9.00am Holy Communion (BCP)
10.00am Parish Communion
6.30pm Evening Prayer
Tuesday 17th
10.00am Holy Communion
7.00pm Bible Study (via Zoom)
Sunday 22nd
TRINITY 17
9.00am Holy Communion (BCP)
10.00am Parish Communion
6.30pm Evening Prayer
Tuesday 24th
10.00am Holy Communion
7.00pm Bible Study (via Zoom)
Sunday 29th
ST MICHAEL & ALL ANGELS
(Fifth Sunday - One Service Only)
10.00am Parish Communion
OCTOBER DATES
SUNDAY 6th DEDICATION SUNDAY
SATURDAY 19th DEANERY DAY
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Synod signals support for ‘Anglican way forward’ on same-sex relationships
The Church of England’s General Synod has supported a motion signalling approval for a broad package of proposals designed to help hold the Church together amid deep disagreements over questions of sexuality.
A selection of readings and prayers of thanksgiving, dedication and asking for God’s blessing for same-sex couples – known as Prayers of Love and Faith, are already in use as part of regular services in some churches such as a Sunday eucharist or evensong.
The package of proposals includes possible arrangements for the use of the Prayers of Love and Faith in special – or standalone – services alongside delegated episcopal ministry and work to provide a timetable towards a decision on clergy in same-sex civil marriages.
Speaking in the debate, the Archbishop of York, Stephen Cottrell, acknowledged there are deep disagreements within the Church on questions of sexuality and that the proposals would not fully satisfy any group – but represented an “Anglican way forward”.
“What’s before us is a compromise,” he said. “No parish, no priest has to offer these prayers but once the detail has been worked out – not yet done, we’re still on a journey – standalone service can take place and [for] those who for reasons of conscience and theological conviction cannot support this, delegated and extended episcopal ministry for pastoral care, sacramental care and teaching ministry will be put in place.
“What’s before us isn’t what everyone wants …. but it is an Anglican way forward.”
The Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby, said he owes much in his own journey of faith to people from different traditions who take opposing views on questions of sexuality.
He singled out both the Alliance network of church leaders, which takes a conservative stance, and the Together network, which takes a progressive position, and said he could not imagine the Church without either of them.
“They all deepened my love for God,” he said. “That they flourish is indispensable to the gospel in this land.”
He continued: “I cannot imagine the Church of England without any particular group within it, and without her reaching effectively to anyone outside it through inclusion and justice, lived in holy imitation of Christ.”
Opening the debate the Bishop of Leicester, Martyn Snow, the lead bishop for the Church of England’s Living in Love and Faith process, recognised that people on opposing sides of the argument about moves to recognise same-sex couples “want the best for the Church”.
“We all want the best – and yet we profoundly disagree, he said. “So what now?
“Well maybe, just maybe, for a short period, we all have to settle for second best, and trust that, though this might grieve God, God still delights in us God’s Church. Just maybe we have to accept that there are different degrees of communion, and God doesn’t force anyone to sit at the same table.
He continued: “Brothers and sisters we all want the best for this beautiful Church of England, yet we are going to have to settle for second best, knowing that, this side of heaven, the Church will never be perfect, but one day, one day we will sit at the table in heaven.”
He added: “We’ve not yet worked out all the detail of what that will mean in terms of vocations, training, licensing, finance and all the many other practicalities of ministry – but we will return to Synod in February next year with those details.
“So nothing changes this autumn. The earliest any of this starts is next February.”
Speaking after the debate Archbishop Justin said: “The only way forward is a watertight and enduring protection of conscience
.
“We are now at the point of seeking to work out how that works; it must give those of all views a place as treasured and flourishing parts of the Church of England, and the protection must have teeth to protect against harassment and bullying.”
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15th September – St Cyprian, Bishop of Carthage
Cyprian is the saint for anyone who has given up a successful career in order to serve God in a difficult Christian ministry.
For, before he became a Christian, Cyprian ‘had it all’. He was a renowned Orator of Carthage, teaching rhetoric and advocacy. But then, in AD 245, when he was in his mid 40s, Cyprian became a Christian, and it turned his career – and life – upside down.
For Cyprian’s new commitment to Christ was absolute. He renounced his secular position as an Orator and renounced his inheritance as a landowner, giving the money to the Church in Carthage. He was ordained a priest, and became a student of Tertullian, the great African Christian scholar. Only three years later he was consecrated Bishop of Carthage, in AD 248. As Bishop, Cyprian cared for the poor, and his character, way of life and preaching were outstanding.
Unfortunately, Cyprian had become Bishop at a time of great hardship for the church. In 250 Emperor Decius led a great persecution, and its aftermath caused problems for the church leaders of north Africa.
For by 251, some of the Carthage Christians had caved in, and offered sacrifices to the pagan idols. Others had bought certificates saying that they had done so. But now these ‘lapsed’ Christians were ‘repentant’ and wanted to be readmitted to the church in Carthage.
So, Cyprian had to decide if and how to readmit these believers. The decision was a difficult one, and he disagreed with the priest Novatius, who wanted to admit them straight back into the Church, without making any requirement of penance of them.
Another argument then erupted, when Cyprian disagreed with Bishop Stephen of Rome, over the validity of baptism if it had been administered by schismatics or heretics. Cyprian rejected its validity and demanded rebaptism; Stephen accepted it.
These two disagreements were to colour the whole of Cyprian’s difficult time as bishop. His desire to have a unified church was equalled only by his passion to preserve the purity of the church.
Gradually, Cyprian united the Church in Carthage behind him. And by the time of Valerian’s persecution in 257, the African church was not only standing up against the Church in Rome in some theological matters, but also standing with the regional government, which was beginning to seek freedom from the overbearing influence of the emperor.
Valerian’s persecution led to Cyprian’s martyrdom that same year of 257. An imperial order stated that all bishops had to participate in pagan ceremonies. Cyprian refused. After a year of exile, he returned to Carthage, was rearrested and subsequently beheaded.
But even after his death, the African Church was unwavering in her faith in the face of persecution.
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How could God let all these bad things happen?
A journalist once asked Billy Graham’s daughter why God allowed all the problems in the world today. Here is what Anne Graham Lotz replied:
“I believe God is deeply saddened by this, just as we are, but for years we’ve been telling God to get out of our schools, to get out of our government and to get out of our lives.
“And being the gentleman He is, I believe He has calmly backed out. How can we expect God to give us His blessing and His protection if we demand He leave us alone?”
“In America some years ago people complained that they did not want prayer in our schools. And we said OK. Then someone said: ‘you better not read the Bible in school … the Bible says thou shalt not kill, thou shalt not steal, and love your neighbour as yourself.’ And we said OK.
“Then Dr Benjamin Spock said we shouldn’t spank our children when they misbehave because their little personalities would be warped and we might damage their self-esteem. We said an expert should know what he’s talking about. And we said OK. “Then someone said teachers better not discipline our children when they misbehave. The schools feared bad publicity, and said there was no difference between proper discipline and cruel humiliation. And we said OK.
“Then some of our top elected officials said it doesn’t matter what we do in private, as long as we do our jobs. Agreeing with them, we said it doesn’t matter to me what anyone, including the President, does in private as long as I have a job, and the economy is good. And we said OK.
“Then the entertainment industry said, ‘let’s make TV shows and movies that promote profanity, violence, sadistic cruelty and illicit sex. Let’s record music that encourages rape, drugs, murder, suicide, and satanic themes.’ And we said it’s just entertainment, it has no adverse effect, nobody takes it seriously anyway, so go right ahead.
“Now we’re asking ourselves why our children have no conscience, why our society is so violent and dangerous, why no one seems to know right from wrong, and why it doesn’t bother people to cheat, threaten and even kill each other. Probably, if we think about it long and hard enough, we can figure it out.
“I think it has a great deal to do with ‘WE REAP WHAT WE SOW’.”
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Paul Hardingham considers what it takes to be a disciple.
And whatever you do!
In the church today we sometimes assume that discipleship is more about the sacred part of our life, rather than the secular as well. Are we aware of what God is doing in our school, workplace, with friends and family, on our street or in our leisure time? Whole life disciples spend every day with an awareness of the presence of Jesus in their lives. As the apostle Paul writes:
‘And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him.’ (Colossians 3:17)
SO – we do ordinary things in the name or character of Jesus, i.e. acting in the same way that Jesus would do if He were in our place.
It’s helpful to think in terms of frontlines, the places where we spend most of our week:
Everyone has a frontline: young or old, working or not, sick or well. This could be our workplace, home, college, community or club.
This is where God has called us! God is at work on our frontline to shape and use us, making it a place where we can grow as a disciple and make a difference to those around.
As churches we need to be committed to helping each other see the significance of our frontlines in God’s purposes. Are we supporting one another, especially in prayer? As one teacher put it: “I spend an hour a week teaching Sunday school and they haul me up to the front of the church to pray for me. The rest of the week I’m a full-time teacher and the church has never prayed for me. That says it all.”
With less than 6% of the UK population now going to church, God wants to use us as salt and light wherever we spend time. Christians are exactly where they need to be to serve Him, so that others might see what a disciple of Jesus looks like, as we grow as disciples ourselves.
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The TV shows which can wreck your home
Don’t believe everything you see on TV. Especially those programmes which show you how easy it is to do DIY jobs around your house.
A recent survey has found that many people who watch these programmes and decide to ‘have a go’ at a home maintenance project, only end up causing damage.
In fact, a fifth of DIY enthusiasts end up having to fork out an average of £329, just to repair what they have done to their homes.
HomeServe, who did the survey, says: “Often TV shows make the job look easier than it is, and can lead to costly errors.” And any work that requires sign-off to meet regulations should always be left to a registered plumber or electrician.
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September Crossword
CLUES
Across
8 Where the ark of the covenant was kept for 20 years (1 Samuel 7) (7,6)
9 One of the parts of the body on which blood and oil were put in the ritual cleansing from
infectious skin diseases (Leviticus 14) (3)
10 Uncomfortable (3,2,4)
11 ‘Yet I have loved Jacob, but Esau I have — ’ (Malachi 1) (5)
13 Where Paul said farewell to the elders of the church in Ephesus (Acts 20) (7)
16 ‘Jesus bent down and — to write on the ground with his finger’ (John 8) (7)
19 Prophet from Moresheth (Jeremiah 26) (5)
22 Comes between Exodus and Numbers (9)
24 and 2 Down ‘Then Elkanah went home to Ramah, but the boy ministered before the Lord
under — the — ’ (1 Samuel 2) (3,6)
25 There was no room for them in the inn (Luke 2) (4,3,6)
Down
1 Rough drawing (2 Kings 16) (6)
2 See 24 Across
3 Underground literature (including Christian books) circulated in the Soviet Union (8)
4 Lo, mash (anag.) (6)
5 The Bible’s shortest verse: ‘Jesus — ’ (John 11) (4)
6 ‘Can a mother forget the baby at her — and have no compassion on the child she has borne?’ (Isaiah 49) (6)
7 Can be seen in a dying fire (Psalm 102) (6)
12 ‘Send me, therefore, a man... experienced in the — of engraving, to work in Judah and Jerusalem’ (2 Chronicles 2) (3)
14 Second city of Cyprus (8)
15 United Nations Association (1,1,1)
16 One of the women who first heard that Jesus had risen from the dead (Mark 16) (6)
17 Braved (anag.) (6)
18 — of Evangelism, outreach initiative in the 1990s (6)
20 ‘Woe to those who are wise in their own eyes and — in their own sight’ (Isaiah 5) (6)
21 ‘Neither — nor depth... will be able to separate us from the love of God’ (Romans 8) (6)
23 What Jesus shed in 5 Down (4)
Answers to August Crossword
ACROSS: 1, John. 3, And James. 8, Near. 9, Omission. 11, Theocratic. 14, Asleep. 15, By-path. 17, Stalingrad. 20, Backbone. 21, Baca.
22, Whose eye. 23, Seth.
DOWN: 1, Jonathan. 2, Heavenly. 4, No meat. 5, Justifying. 6, Maid. 7, Sins. 10, Acceptable. 12, Marriage. 13, Shadrach. 16, Plenty. 18, A bow. 19, ECHO.
Winner Peter Warren.
Crosswords reproduced by kind permission of BRF and John Capon, originally published in Three Down, Nine Across, by John Capon (£6.99 BRF)
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September Anagrams
OLYMPIC GAMES VENUES
Rearrange these letters to form the names of 11 cities and towns where the Olympic Games have been held since they began in 1896.
Answers include winter and summer Olympics and may consist of one, two or three words.
1. MOTH LOCKS 2. TACKY TALLIES 3. LOB A CRANE 4. MAD MASTER 5. HER LAME MILL 6. GASSOLLENE
7. GRANNI CHERS CHIP MARKET 8. EXITY COMIC 9. RANDOM COZZIE PAT 10. LEMON BRUE 11. JOODIE NARRIE
Compiled by Peter Warren
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August Anagram Answers
NORTHERN SEASIDE RESORTS:
1. BLACKPOOL 2. SCARBOROUGH 3. WHITLEY BAY 4. SOUTHPORT 5. SALTBURN BY THE SEA
6. WITHERNSEA 7. ROBIN HOOD'S BAY 8. MORECAMBE 9. RUNSWICK BAY 10. BRIDLINGTON
Winner Wyn Hirst.
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September Soduko Puzzle
August Sodoku Solution
Winners
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The Revd Dr Jo White continues her series on the meanings on Church Buildings.
Reflecting Faith: Arts and Crafts Churches.
Originally, the theology behind church building was to build church buildings on higher land, so that people would have to lift their heads to look upon them; with the tower or spire giving it extra height.
This was reflecting the faith of lifting our eyes to God and recognising our place in His Creation – and yet He still came to earth for us.
Often a clock would have been placed on the tower or spire for the local people who would not have had personal time-pieces, and again they would have lifted their eyes heavenward to see it. The clock might have chimed, or would have been connected with the church bells to enable illiterate people to know the time.
There were 612 Commissioner churches built in the early 1800’s, when society was becoming industrialised, and folk were moving away from rural life and into towns.
By the middle of that century the Arts and Crafts Movement was well under way, and church buildings were being ‘targeted’.
Between 1884 and 1918 there were about 5000 churches built in the UK, of which around 350 can be identified as Arts and Crafts churches. Much depended on the Patron of the church and their generosity.
In East and North Yorkshire there are a set of 17 churches which were restored or built by the local patron(s) – father and son of the Sykes Family of Sledmere House – between 1866 and 1913. They say they are unparalleled elsewhere in Britain
.
This month:
Have a look at a church near you and see if you can see the influence in it of this Arts and Crafts Movement. It was intended to make buildings less austere, more decorative, more ‘emotive’. Do you think it does?
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Going home from school and all about life
“Mam, why does Connor in my class say Uncle Cliff's and Auntie Sue's motor bike looks funny?”
She sniffs and thinks dark thoughts about Connor.
“Well, it's a very old one, and that's why it doesn't look like the other ones in the line in the car park.”
A frown on small son's face. “But why have they got an old one? Haven't they got enough money for a nice new one?”
Mam guiltily remembers all the occasions when she has referred to a “nice new” something and worries, “ Have I been teaching false values? “ Clears throat.
“Well, love, maybe they've got a nice new one as well.”
“So why don't they just ride the new one then?”
Pause “They like the old one. It's a nice old bike.” Flash of inspiration there, she thinks.
“But, Mam,” Huh, she thinks, there's always a ,“But,” isn't there,?
“But, Mam, when my things are old you say they're not nice anymore and we have to chuck them out.”
Hmm. Get out of that one, Mam.
“Some very very old bikes are nice because they have something special the new ones don't have.” But she wasn't going to get away with that.
“But old ones will be a bit tatty and broken like my best old Action Man you said had to go out because it was dirty and lost an arm and had felt tip on it where I gave it measles. I thought it was still special. Another guilty twang. Deep breath.
“Some old bikes are just very different from the ones they make now, and some people like to have things that are not the same as everyone else's.”
“But what's different?” Now don't ask me to be technical.
“Maybe it's the noise they make,” she suggested. His face brightened, this he could understand.
“Connor's dad's bike sounds like a wasp. Yuk”
“Yes, y'see machines have different sounds like different voices.”
“But don't new ones go faster?” She groaned, speed freak already, at five years old.
“Some of them do. A lot of old ones go really fast though”. Now don't sound too keen here, some secrets can wait till he's older.
“And don't old ones make more mess? Uncle Leonard's bike gets oily bits and blows blue smoke! And he always has to shout at it. And he kicks it to make it go. Connor's dad's bike just goes when he switches it on.”
“Ah well, you see Uncle Leonard likes having that special way to start his bike. When he kick starts it he feels like he's helping it to get going and sort of, joining in with it. Don't mention the blue smoke though,” she added hastily,” he thinks he's stopped that.”
“How does he stop it?”
And how do you describe ongoing maintenance then? Another deep breath.
“He takes bits off the bike and cleans them and changes them a tiny bit and puts it back together again to see if it's better. He does that if it's not making the right sort of noise, too”
“But can't he give it to the garage man to do that?” Argh! Sacrilege!
“Well. he could, but he likes doing little new things and seeing what happens. He thinks it's fun to find out how it works.” Grimly, she pushes away the memory of some of the “fun” things which went wrong, “And the garage man would ask for a lot of money to do it,” she added brightly. This is teaching thrift and self-reliance.. isn't it?
“So” he said, fierce thinking going on now.. ”So does an old bike mean you have to pay a lot of money or you have to do all the things at home?”
“Well, doing it at home can make you feel good. Like when you mend something that you thought broken and it's all right again and you think “I did that! Isn't that good!” You know, when you draw a picture and give it to Granny, she likes it a lot better than one from the shop, just because you put a little bit of you into it.”
On a roll now, she went on, “And one really old bike can make people come and talk to you about it because they remember when everyone had a bike like that. It can be fun to talk to people about an unusual thing, the unusual things stand out.”
Down with conformity! Indoctrinate them when they're young!
He was balancing along the low wall around the pub car park now, still wrestling with his thoughts.
“But if nobody else has a bike like that, won't everyone think you're a bit funny?”
“If everyone had everything the same, don't you think it might be a bit boring? If there was only prawn cocktail crisps would that be ok?”
“No, 'cos I like cheese and onion!”
“Well, there you are then, you like to be able to choose. If there's lots of different kinds of crisps and lots of different bikes and cars it brightens things up. Just because someone thinks up a new one, we don't have to get rid of everything else.”
Nearly home. Keep it simple. Maybe tomorrow she just has to explain the Meaning of Life.
She continued, “When you only have a few left of something very special and very old you have to really look after it so it doesn't disappear forever and then no one would have the fun of seeing and hearing it”
“What, like Grandad? ” “Yes, pet, like Grandad..” Edna
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What’s the Big Idea? An Introduction to the Gospel of Matthew
This month we turn to the New Testament and look at Matthew, the first of the gospels. Although linked to Matthew the apostle, it is generally believed that the author used oral tradition, written fragments, eye-witness accounts, as well as common material in the other synoptic gospels (Mark and Luke).
Matthew, in writing for Jews, sets out to prove that Jesus is the true Messiah. He connects Jesus’ birth, life death and resurrection with the Old Testament Scriptures. In fact, he quotes the Old Testament more than any other New Testament author. This is reflected in the opening genealogy which traces Jesus back to Abraham; in his use of the terms kingdom of heaven and Father in heaven, reflecting a Jewish reluctance to use God’s name; and in the way he portrays Jesus as the Son of David.
The whole gospel is structured around five blocks of teaching (chapters 5-7; 10; 13; 18; 24-25). This fivefold division reflects the structure of the Pentateuch (the first five books of the Old Testament).
Matthew provides a comprehensive context by which we see all God’s creation and salvation completed in Jesus, and all parts of our lives (work, family, friends and future) completed in Him. At the end of his gospel, Matthew records Jesus’ commission to His disciples share this good news, promising to be with them:
‘All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to Me. Therefore, go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely, I am with you always, to the very end of the age.’ (28:18-20)
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How having faith in God can help you here on earth
Anglicans are more likely to say that they are satisfied with their lives, and many older churchgoers say that they never feel lonely.
A recent survey for the Belonging Forum, which supports dialogue between faiths, has found that there is a strong association between belonging to a faith group and having greater well-being and health.
The survey found that religious people have higher levels of ‘social connectedness’ and friendships than the general population. They are more likely to speak with their neighbours regularly, and to have on average more friends than non-religious people do.
It seems that faith communities can play an important role in providing a sense of belonging and purpose in the UK.
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Lester Amann considers what it means to wait for God
Sailing with the Spirit
On a calm, windless day, it can be frustrating to be in a sailboat. Your sails are ready to go, but with no wind and only calm waters, you aren’t going anywhere!
Some sailors try to propel their little boat forward by paddling with their hands. Others fret over the lack of wind. But others simply stay on land, and patiently wait. For it isn’t until a breeze blows up, and the sails fill out, that a sailboat can skim out towards the open sea.
This scene is similar as to how the Holy Spirit works in our lives. The Bible describes the Spirit as wind and sometimes, like the sailors, we may have to wait for His energising power to guide and move us onwards. There are occasions, from a spiritual standpoint, nothing seems to be happening – for weeks and months on end. During these waiting times we may wonder what purpose God has for us.
But while some of the people in the sailing club might have left their boats to do other things, they were also watching for signs of the coming wind. No one was packing up and going home! They were waiting with a purpose.
In our times of stillness and waiting, we can also wait with a purpose. We can pray for the Church, our community and the world. We can pray that we will be ready for God to move us into the next course He has planned for us. And we can keep our sails ready, for the Spirit to blow afresh into our lives!
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By Tim Lenton
The ‘Father of English Medicine’
Four hundred years ago, on 10th September 1624, Thomas Sydenham, the English physician who became known as the “father of English medicine”, was born in Dorset. His textbook on medicine, Observationes Medicae, became the standard medical textbook in England for the next 200 years.
Sydenham came from a Puritan family, and his medical studies were interrupted by his fighting for the Parliamentarians in the Civil War. He had a deep Christian faith and believed in simple remedies based on natural theology. His treatments contrasted with many of the complex, speculative prescriptions of his time.
His work generally led to a more scientific approach to medicine, and he was compared to Hippocrates, the ancient Greek ‘Father of Medicine’. When he studied medicine at Oxford, he became a friend of renowned chemist Robert Boyle and philosopher John Locke.
Sydenham had an astute and courageous mind that rejected much of the received wisdom of his day. He stressed the importance of observation, stating: “You must go to the bedside.”
One of his achievements was to identify and differentiate scarlet fever and measles, two extremely dangerous diseases at the time. He recommended fresh air and exercise, and also diagnosed St Vitus’ dance, sometimes called Sydenham’s chorea, for the first time.
He was a founder of clinical medicine and epidemiology, and his treatise on gout –from which he himself suffered – was considered a masterpiece.
He also wrote a book on fevers and treated victims of the Great Plague in 1665, as well as introducing laudanum into medical practice for pain relief.
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How are you? I hope you are well?
Everyone with me sends you greetings. Greet those who love us in the faith. Grace be with you all. Titus 3:15
I sometimes receive emails from complete strangers who ask me how I am, and sometimes they add that they hope I am well. The person adds a ‘?’ although it is not a question (and I suspect they are not at all interested in my well-being, but in my money!)
‘How are you?’ is normally just a way of saying ‘hello’. No-one really wants an answer and definitely not a long, detailed answer! It is curious that we sometimes start a conversation with a question we do not want answered, and other times when we do want to know how a person is, we never quite get through to them.
It is easier to say, “Yes, fine thanks, how are you?”- when we are not fine. Or we can throw the question straight back: “I am ok, what about you?.” But sometimes we all need to be able to say, “I am not doing ok. I need to talk,” when we need to have someone to talk to.
I like it that nowadays you can say a key phrase that sounds out a distress call. For example, victims of abuse can ask “Is so and so in?”, in a pub or café and the staff will immediately know that that person needs help. There is also a silent hand signal that people in trouble can give, to alert others that they are in danger. This is also excellent, and may have saved many lives.
Perhaps in church we also need a way of being honest in our replies, whether it is: “I am not doing well and I want to have a rant” or “I am worried but I am not ready to chat now”.
Anyway, how are you? Do tell.
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NHS warns of dangers of energy drinks
The NHS is worried because eating disorders have risen by 52 per cent since the pandemic.
And it suspects that part of the problem, for young girls and women, is their increasing use of energy drinks to suppress hunger and provide energy without calories.
A huge range of these highly caffeinated drinks are now available, and they are seen to be fuelling record cases of anorexia and other eating disorders.
Claire Murdoch, the NHS mental health director, said it was “concerning that young women could be abusing energy drinks for weight loss”. She says: “We urge everyone not to replace their meals with energy drinks.”
One former young patient admitted that: “consuming fizzy energy drinks gave me a false sense of fullness and the energy I needed to go about my day, hiding the fact that I was actually exhausted, malnourished and seriously unwell”.
Red Bull, Monster and Irn Bru are among the most popular energy drinks on sale. But there are now hundreds of products, and energy drinks account for about one in three of all soft drinks sold in shops. Sainsbury’s has 114 energy drink products available, while Asda has 86 and Tesco has 76.
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By Tim Lenton
Breaking the land speed record
One hundred years ago, on 25th September 1924, British racing driver Malcolm Campbell broke the land speed record for the first time. He recorded a speed of 146mph in a 1921 Sunbeam Grand Prix car at Pendine Sands, Carmarthen Bay, Wales.
Born in Kent in March 1885, Major Sir Malcolm Campbell MBE was a man with a passion for speed, whether on motorcycles, in cars or on water. He was also a journalist. He gained the world speed record on land and on water at various times, breaking nine land speed records between 1924 and 1935.
He had started racing cars in 1910 and had a near-fatal accident – the first of several – at Brooklands racetrack in 1912. His car was christened Blue Bird, after a 1908 drama about the pursuit of happiness, by the Belgian poet and playwright Maurice Maeterlinck. The name stuck and was used for all his subsequent speed record attempt vehicles on land and water. Years later, a slightly altered version of Bluebird, was employed by his son Donald, who was killed in 1967 attempting a new record on Coniston Water.
Sir Malcolm himself survived all his accidents and died in 1948 at Reigate after several strokes. He had been knighted by King George V and given a civic welcome in 1931. Early in his life he had worked for Lloyd’s of London, initially for no pay, but made money by being the first person to realise that newspapers needed libel insurance.
He married three times. His second wife Dorothy – mother of Donald – described him as “quite unfitted for the role of husband and family man”.
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Let’s run with perseverance
‘Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race that is marked out for us.’ (Hebrews 12:1)
With the Paris Olympics still so recent, this imagery can really speak to us. The Christian is like a highly trained athlete, and the surrounding ‘stadium’ is filled with champions and heroes of the past; they watch US – and we draw inspiration from THEM.
Because we are in training spiritually, it is obvious that every ‘sin’ is to be treated in the same way as by a modern athlete – for whom drug-taking, indeed any form of cheating or breaking the rules, is out!
But Christ’s athletes are also to be careful to shun ‘everything that hinders.’ The wrong running shoes? A faulty diet? In the Christian’s case, if the problem area is not an actual sin, what is it? Why, it is anything that , while in itself may be legitimate, but which nevertheless is a weak point, and ‘hinders’ progress.
The artist Rubens in the 17th century created a painting of Thetis – the mother of Achilles in Greek mythology – dipping her son into the supposedly protective waters of the river Styx. But, because she held him by his heel, this single part of him was untouched by the water. Achilles grew to be a mighty warrior; yet, during a fateful battle, an arrow that pierced his vulnerable heel was the means of his downfall.
The Achilles heel factor affects every single one of us. There comes a moment when those who mean business with Jesus Christ become aware that the Holy Spirit is quietly speaking within: “You’re blocking the blessing in your life at this weak spot of yours…. by holding onto this object… by entertaining this objective… by persisting in this relationship… by continuing this activity. Let it go.”
What is this ‘thing’? No one else can spell it out for us. It is between us and Christ alone. There need be no sudden crisis, no emotional surge. But the thing that ‘hinders’ is firmly – deliberately – to be discarded; no longer to have any part in our Christian living. And the sunshine of heaven smiles down upon us as we run on….
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Champion net zero churches to help others through demonstrator projects
More than 100 of the country’s highest carbon emitting churches will be given funding for net zero projects which others can learn from as part of a new project.
The £5.2m Demonstrator Churches project from the Church of England’s Net Zero Programme aims to help 114 churches in 2024 and 2025 pay for items such as solar panels, heat pumps, insulation, secondary glazing, LED lighting and infrared heating systems.
As work progresses, the network of Demonstrator Churches – representing many different types of community and situations – will share what they have learned more widely with dioceses and parishes so that all Church of England churches can learn from their experiences.
Abi Hiscock, Project and Grants Manager for the Church of England’s Net Zero Demonstrator Churches Project, said: “Ultimately, we want to demonstrate that with the right support and infrastructure, churches from diverse settings and facing a variety of challenges can reach net zero by 2030.
“By the end of this project, we will have over 100 case studies on what to do and when, and what not to do. Along the way, the supported churches are all required to act as champions to other churches in their dioceses or geographically near to them, or simply to other churches working from similar baselines to them, so that the learnings from these projects engage, influence and support this vision.”
It is hoped the project will reduce carbon emissions by 6,615 tonnes by 2030 – targeting some of the highest emitting churches across the UK.
The Demonstrator Churches project is part of the Church of England’s ambitious Net Zero Carbon Programme which aims to equip, resource and support all parts of the Church to reduce carbon emissions from the energy used in its buildings, schools and through work-related transport by 2030.
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Monty Don brings back the lawn
After years of insisting that garden lawns should be left unkempt and blended with wild flowers, Monty Don the TV gardener has made a U-turn with his lawnmower.
In a recent article in BBC Gardeners’ World magazine, he admits: “This spring and summer I have made a tightly mowed and evenly green lawn. This is slightly surprising….”
But his turn-around will be welcomed by all those who love a neat-looking lawn to show off their flower beds, and to give their children somewhere to play outside.
Monty Don stresses that gardening is, above all, about getting “the space right.” Otherwise, “it will not look or feel good regardless of what plants you use, be they ever so rare or fascinating.”
An unmown lawn, he now argues, makes your space look smaller, not bigger. “Long grass fills a space to quite a surprising extent, whereas mown grass takes the same area and expands it. Gardens need room for the eye and mind to drift and breathe. Too many plants and it becomes suffocating.”
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By Tim Lenton
The coming of Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer
Some 75 years ago, on 1st September 1949, the Christmas song Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer was released. It was sung by the American movie-star and singer Gene Autry, nicknamed the “Singing Cowboy”.
The song was adapted from a poem/story written by Robert L May for a children’s colouring book: it was an assignment given him by his employers, the Chicago-based Montgomery Ward retail group. It was published in 1939, and 2.4 million copies were distributed free in its first year.
May initially considered the names Rollo or Reginald for his ‘ugly duck’ reindeer, but eventually settled on Rudolph. Concerned about how to make the reindeer distinctive, he was looking out of his office window when a thick fog blocked his view. This gave him the idea for Rudolph’s bright red nose, enabling Santa to see where he was going.
Robert May’s four-year-old daughter was used as a sounding board while he created the story, but it was initially rejected, partly because of the unfortunate associations of a red nose with chronic drunkenness at the time. However, May’s friend and colleague, Denver Gillen, drew ‘cute reindeer’, which persuaded the managers to go for the idea.
The story-poem was turned into a song by May’s brother-in-law, Johnny Marks. Several popular singers rejected it, but Gene Autry took it on, and his recording reached No 1 on the Billboard chart for pop singles in the week of Christmas 1949. It sold 2.5 million copies in the first year. Up to the 1980s it was the second best-selling record of all time.
The United States Postal Service issued a series of postage stamps featuring Rudolph on 6th November 2014.
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Almost one in four 18-year-olds are long-term vapers
There has been an ‘exceptionally steep rise’ in young adults using e-cigarettes.
New research from University College London (UCL) has found that 22.7 percent of 18-year-olds are long-term vapers – using e-cigarettes for longer than six months. Ten years ago, it was only 0.7 per cent.
The new Government has said it will restrict the sales and marketing of vapes by bringing back the Tobacco and Vapes Bill. It intends to “progressively increase the age at which people can buy cigarettes, and to impose limits on the sale and marketing of vapes.”
The boom began in 2021, when disposable vapes became widely available.
Dr Sarah Jackson, the study’s lead author, from the UCL alcohol and tobacco research group, said: “It is likely that a growing number of adults who vape would not have otherwise smoked. For these people, vaping regularly over a sustained period will expose them to more harm than if they had neither smoked nor vaped.” Women are now just as likely as men to be long-term users of the devices.
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Walking is a great way to exercise
You may be young or old, working endless hours, or retired. But there is one exercise you can still undertake almost anywhere, for however long or short a time: walking
.
According to health specialists, the simple act of walking “ticks so many boxes – improving our brain, mental and musculoskeletal fitness, as well as our physical fitness.”
Here are five reasons why:
Walking raises your heart rate and makes you breathe faster.
It gives you the benefit of a moderate aerobic workout – without the stress on your joints. As for your blood sugar levels, consider this: after a meal your blood sugar level rises and your pancreas releases insulin to bring it down. But even a five-minute walk can help by blunting the spike in blood sugar. Try and keep your pace brisk – aim for 100 to 130 steps a minute.
Walking improves your bone density
Walking briskly engages the muscles along the back side of your body – the glutes, hamstrings and calves. They in turn put a bit of pull on your bones, which stimulates your bones to produce osteoblasts, which improves your bone density and reduces your risk of osteoporosis.
Walking improves your mood
It stimulates your parasympathetic nervous system (nerves that relax the body during stress) and stimulates your amygdala (that part of you which controls your emotions). And if you can walk near water (rivers, coast, in the rain) you get exposed to negative ions in the air. These electrically charged molecules are excellent for your mental health.
Walking helps your brain
You will sleep better, and your brain will be in better shape for memory and cognition. Walking also stimulates creative thinking – studies have found walking is a great time for problem-solving.
Walking helps your body shape
An instant way to look younger is to stand tall. So walk with your head up, shoulders back, and lengthen your back, to stand up straighter. And with firmer muscles, your overall body shape with improve, which in turn will boost your confidence!
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The Rectory
St James the Least of All
My dear Nephew Darren
I am surprised you are considering buying a new set of hymn books for your church. I had assumed everything you sang would be projected on to one of those screens which are invariably placed to obscure the altar.
In my – fortunately limited – experience of such devices, they provide the projectionist with endless opportunities for showing the wrong hymn, or the right hymn but from another edition, which will contain either one verse too many or one too few. Should the hymn run to two pages, then the turnover always takes place some milliseconds after that verse has started, so that the congregation is faced with the snap decision of either trying to sing two lines at double time, or just to join in late, making a nonsense of the words.
When we decided to change hymn books some years ago, the reverberations made the consequences of that little event in Sarajevo seem insignificant. The proposal was to move from Hymns Ancient and More Ancient to the more recent version: Hymns Ancient and Slightly Less Ancient.
Colonel Wainwright said he would be happy so long as we continued fighting good fights and urging Christian soldiers onwards. The men wanted the hymns they remembered from school, the ladies those they sang at their weddings, and no one would consider anything that dropped ‘thines’ or ‘wouldsts’. The basses in the choir wanted hymns they knew the tenors found difficult and those who couldn’t read music wanted more hymns sung in unison. When a rumour started that the books may contain hymns written in the last 50 years, timetables were consulted for bus services to the next village.
Eventually we reached a perfect compromise: doing something which made no change whatsoever. Miss Simpson was charged with buying yards of sticky backed plastic and repairing the current books. She put a note on the front of every copy that if the page for the hymn they wanted was missing, they should share with the person sitting next to them – an experience which will be almost as traumatic as being invited to pass the peace. Yet another decision has thereby been deferred for a Church Council to make some time next century. Harmony reigns once again.
Your loving uncle, Eustace
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BOOK REVIEW
Enduring Wisdom – Words of Hope and Inspiration by Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
By Her late Majesty Queen Elizabeth II, SPCK, £10.99
A unique anthology of over 80 inspiring quotations from the late Queen’s Christmas speeches, offering an intimate insight into the values she embodied and faithfully promoted throughout her 70-year reign.
This treasury of quotations speak of the qualities that were closest to her heart: courage, empathy, forgiveness, hope, humility, love and respect. These are the qualities that she encouraged in others and that she hoped would endure among all people of goodwill, whatever their religion or race.
Including seven memorable portraits – one from each decade of her reign – this exquisite giftbook offers an inspiring tribute to a world leader whose wise and gracious influence will live in our hearts forever.
Her late Majesty Queen Elizabeth II (1926-2022) was Queen of the United Kingdom and Commonwealth countries from 6 February 1952 until her death on 8 September 2022. Her reign of over 70 years is the longest of any British monarch and the longest verified reign of any female head of state in history.
Elizabeth II was queen regnant of 32 sovereign states during her lifetime and remained the monarch of 15 realms by the time of her death. She was also Patron of more than 600 organisations and charities.
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All in the month of September.
It was:
400 years ago, on 10th Sept 1624 that Thomas Sydenham, English physician, was born. He became known as the ‘father of English medicine’. His textbook on medicine became the standard medical textbook in England for the next 200 years.
250 years ago, on 4th Sept 1774 that British explorer Captain James Cook became the first European to discover New Caledonia in the south-west Pacific, during his second voyage.
150 years ago, on 21st Sept 1874 that Gustav Holst, was born. This British composer, arranger and educator is best known for The Planets.
100 years ago, on 25th Sept 1924 that British racing driver Malcolm Campbell broke the land speed record for the first time. He recorded a speed of 146mph in a 1921 Sunbeam Grand Prix car at Pendine Sands, Carmarthen Bay, Wales.
90 years ago, on 22nd Sept 1934 that the Gresford Colliery Disaster took place in Wales. An explosion killed 266 miners and rescuers. It was one of Britain’s worst coal-mining disasters, but the cause of the explosion remains unknown.
80 years ago, from 17th to 25th Sept 1944 that Operation Market Garden took place. The Allies attempted a massive airborne invasion of German-occupied Netherlands, but they were forced to withdraw. The story was told in the film A Bridge Too Far. The operation included the Battle of Arnhem – German victory.
75 years ago, on 1st Sept 1949 that the Christmas song Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer was released. It was sung by the American movie-star and singer, Gene Autry, nicknamed the ‘Singing Cowboy’.
70 years ago, on 15th Sept 1954 that the iconic photograph of Marilyn Monroe’s billowing skirt as she stood over a New York subway grate was taken during filming for The Seven-Year Itch. The event was staged as a publicity stunt.
60 years ago, on 4th Sept 1964 the Forth Road Bridge opened in Scotland. It links Edinburgh to Fife across the Firth of Forth. (A second bridge, the Queensferry Crossing, opened in 2017 and largely replaced it.)
50 years ago, on 8th Sept 1974 that former President Richard Nixon was granted a full and unconditional pardon by his successor Gerald Ford for any crimes he may have committed or participated in while in office. (Nixon had resigned in August after Watergate.)
40 years ago, on 10th Sept 1984 that British geneticist Alec Jeffreys discovered genetic fingerprinting, also known as DNA profiling. It allowed criminals to be identified from hair, blood, or sweat left at crime scenes. It also allowed families to trace their lineages or determine the paternity of children.
30 years ago, on 22nd Sept 1994 that Roy Castle, British TV presenter, dancer, singer, comedian, actor and musician, died. Best known as the presenter of the children’s TV show Record Breakers. He himself broke nine world records while presenting the programme, including the fastest tap-dancing.
20 years ago, from 1st to 3rd Sept 2004 that the Beslan school hostage crisis took place in Russia. Armed terrorists took over 1,100 children and adults as hostages. Russian security forces ended the crisis on the third day, entering the school with tanks and heavy weapons. More than 300 hostages were killed, including 186 children. Hundreds more were injured.
10 years ago, on 18th Sept 2014 that the Scottish independence referendum was held. The citizens of Scotland voted to remain in the UK rather than becoming an independent country. (Independence: 44.7%; Remain in the UK: 55.3%)
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Smile Lines
Visit
A bishop visited a primary school in his full episcopal attire – with his mitre, robes and bishop’s crook or crozier. A little lad’s mother asked him later what he had thought of the bishop’s visit to his school. The little boy replied: “It was great – now I know what a real crook looks like!”
**
Those Church Notices that didn’t quite make it…
A talk on drugs will be given at the next Mothers’ Union meeting. This will be followed by a Bring and Buy Sale.
A sudden gust of wind took all who were at the ceremony by surprise. Hats were blown off and copies of the vicar’s speech and other rubbish were scattered over the site.
The Rector is on holiday this month. Local clergy will be celebrating with us all the Sundays that he is away.
Don’t allow anxiety to kill you. Let the church help.
Don’t miss the Young Wives’ Victorian evening next month. It will be a fun night and some of the women will wear clothes.
**
Cucumber
A small boy asked his mother for a cucumber to take to Junior Church. A slightly puzzled mother complied. Later she asked what it had been used for. “Sorry, mum,” he confessed. “I got it wrong. We were supposed to bring a newcomer.”
**
Not all
Dear Minister: I know that God loves everyone, but He has never met my sister. Love Peter (aged 7)
**
Unseen
A small girl greeting her father on his return from a journey by air and learning that he had flown above the clouds, asked if he had seen God. “Well, no,” said her father, “you can’t see God like that because He doesn’t have a body.”
“Oh,” she said, with pity and disappointment, “only head and legs?”
**
Bible sense
Being married to a woman who reads her Bible can have its drawbacks. When a man protested to his wife that wiping dishes was not a man’s job, his wife replied simply: “2 Kings 21:13”, and handed him a tea towel. Later he looked it up: ‘And I will wipe Jerusalem as a man wipeth a dish, wiping it and turning it upside down.”
**
Golf
“I play Second World War golf,” one clergyman confessed to another. “You know – out in 39 and back in 45.”
**
Permission
Extract from an official letter notifying residents of a new boundary road: “It is hoped to take the new by-pass through the old cemetery, provided we can get permission from the various bodies concerned.”
**
Egg
What did the egg in the monastery say?
“Out of the frying pan and into the friar.”
**
Last words
The Seven Last Words of the Church: “We never did it like that before.”
**
Eating out
After the fall in Garden of Eden, Adam was walking with his sons Cain and
Abel. As they passed by the ruins of the Garden of Eden, one of the boys asked,
“Father, what’s that?”
Abel. As they passed by the ruins of the Garden of Eden, one of the boys asked,
“Father, what’s that?”
Adam replied, “Boys, that’s where your mother ate us out of house and home.”
**
Where?
The poster read: Where will you be on Judgment Day?
The graffiti below read: Still waiting for the Stafford bus.
**
Children’s understanding of the Bible can have a charm all its own…
A deacon is a mass of inflammable material.
The Pharisees fasted in public, but in private they devoured widows’ houses.
Today wild beasts are confined to Theological Gardens.
The natives of Macedonia did not believe, so St Paul got stoned.
A Republican is a sinner mentioned in the Bible.
Iran is the Bible of the Moslems.
**
Miscellaneous observations on daily life…
The secret to a clean kitchen is simple. Don’t cook. Ever.
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Microchips: What’s left at the bottom of the bag.
The inventor of the doorbell obviously did not own a dog.Visit
A bishop visited a primary school in his full episcopal attire – with his mitre, robes and bishop’s crook or crozier. A little lad’s mother asked him later what he had thought of the bishop’s visit to his school. The little boy replied: “It was great – now I know what a real crook looks like!”
**
Those Church Notices that didn’t quite make it…
A talk on drugs will be given at the next Mothers’ Union meeting. This will be followed by a Bring and Buy Sale.
A sudden gust of wind took all who were at the ceremony by surprise. Hats were blown off and copies of the vicar’s speech and other rubbish were scattered over the site.
The Rector is on holiday this month. Local clergy will be celebrating with us all the Sundays that he is away.
Don’t allow anxiety to kill you. Let the church help.
Don’t miss the Young Wives’ Victorian evening next month. It will be a fun night and some of the women will wear clothes.
**
Cucumber
A small boy asked his mother for a cucumber to take to Junior Church. A slightly puzzled mother complied. Later she asked what it had been used for. “Sorry, mum,” he confessed. “I got it wrong. We were supposed to bring a newcomer.”
**
Not all
Dear Minister: I know that God loves everyone, but He has never met my sister. Love Peter (aged 7)
**
Unseen
A small girl greeting her father on his return from a journey by air and learning that he had flown above the clouds, asked if he had seen God. “Well, no,” said her father, “you can’t see God like that because He doesn’t have a body.”
“Oh,” she said, with pity and disappointment, “only head and legs?”
**
Bible sense
Being married to a woman who reads her Bible can have its drawbacks. When a man protested to his wife that wiping dishes was not a man’s job, his wife replied simply: “2 Kings 21:13”, and handed him a tea towel. Later he looked it up: ‘And I will wipe Jerusalem as a man wipeth a dish, wiping it and turning it upside down.”
**
Golf
“I play Second World War golf,” one clergyman confessed to another. “You know – out in 39 and back in 45.”
**
Permission
Extract from an official letter notifying residents of a new boundary road: “It is hoped to take the new by-pass through the old cemetery, provided we can get permission from the various bodies concerned.”
**
Egg
What did the egg in the monastery say?
“Out of the frying pan and into the friar.”
**
Last words
The Seven Last Words of the Church: “We never did it like that before.”
**
Eating out
After the fall in Garden of Eden, Adam was walking with his sons Cain and
Adam replied, “Boys, that’s where your mother ate us out of house and home.”
**
Where?
The poster read: Where will you be on Judgment Day?
The graffiti below read: Still waiting for the Stafford bus.
**
Children’s understanding of the Bible can have a charm all its own…
A deacon is a mass of inflammable material.
The Pharisees fasted in public, but in private they devoured widows’ houses.
Today wild beasts are confined to Theological Gardens.
The natives of Macedonia did not believe, so St Paul got stoned.
A Republican is a sinner mentioned in the Bible.
Iran is the Bible of the Moslems.
**
Miscellaneous observations on daily life…
The secret to a clean kitchen is simple. Don’t cook. Ever.
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Microchips: What’s left at the bottom of the bag.
The inventor of the doorbell obviously did not own a dog.