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Paul Hardingham continues his new series.
What’s the Big Idea? An Introduction to the Books of the Old Testament:
1 and 2 Samuel.
1 and 2 Samuel was originally a single work, which focuses on Samuel, Saul and David, around 1,000 BC, mid-way between Abraham and Jesus. It was Samuel who established the monarchy in Israel after the period of the judges. He was commanded by God to give the people a king, although their request is seen as a rejection of God’s rule over Israel (8:7).
The people simply wanted to be like other nations, however their king was still subject to God’s law and the word of the prophet. Although Samuel anointed Saul, he soon showed an unwillingness to submit to these requirements, leading to his rejection as king (15:23). God chose David as Saul’s successor, and 1 Samuel depicts David’s years of waiting until the right time arrived to claim the throne.
2 Samuel depicts David’s rule, in which the nation prospers and its enemies are defeated. The promise of the perfect king is fulfilled in Jesus Himself, as David’s descendant. The second half of the book depicts the darker side of David’s reign, describing his weaknesses and failures, including his adultery with Bathsheba and the rebellion of his son Absalom.
Nevertheless, David remained a man after God’s own heart: ‘The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.’ (1 Samuel 16:7). The characters in this book are not always great examples of faith, however, ‘They do not show us how we should live but how in fact we do live, authenticating the reality of our daily experience as the stuff that God uses to work his purposes of salvation in us and in the world.’ (Eugene Peterson).
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Prospect of winter energy bills causing anxiety for millions, says Archbishop of York
Millions are looking ahead to this winter with ‘fear and anxiety’ about the cost of heating their homes, the Archbishop of York has said as he backed the recent launch of a campaign to provide a network of warm spaces for people who struggle to pay their energy bills.
Archbishop Stephen Cottrell is encouraging churches to consider getting involved in the Warm Welcome campaign, a network of venues from community centres to churches providing warm spaces over the winter for people struggling to heat their homes
.
Archbishop Stephen said: “Sadly, what began as a cost-of-living crisis has simply become the new normal for many.
“Millions of people will look ahead to this winter with fear and anxiety, wondering how they are going to cope with high living costs. That is why I am proud to endorse the Warm Welcome campaign this winter.
“But a warm welcome isn’t only about the temperature. It is about kindness and community, giving people the chance to be seen and known, to belong and to be part of something. It is about celebrating the God-given value and dignity of every single person, finding hope and community together. But of course, none of that will happen if people are cold.”
The Warm Welcome campaign is led by a coalition of over 50 charitable organisations who joined together in response to the cost of living crisis to provide emergency support to communities struggling to pay for rising food costs and to heat their homes.
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The mysterious ways of mistletoe
Mistletoe has long been used as part of our Christmas decorations. It is not your usual kind of plant.
Instead, it is hemiparasitic, meaning that although its leaves enable it to feed itself through photosynthesis, its roots invade the host tree or shrub to extract water and other nutrients
.
Mistletoe loves living in apple, lime, hawthorn, poplar or oak trees. You may spot it high up, as a large globe, on the bare trees in winter. There is one spectacular example in Windsor Great Park, clearly visible from the path on the opposite side of the Thames
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Mistletoe’s berries are almost translucent, fleshy and sticky. They form in the forks of mistletoe’s many branches. While they are toxic to humans, they are attractive to birds, who wipe the remaining seeds off their beaks onto the nearest branch, which of course helps the plant to spread.
For some reason, Romans thought mistletoe represented Peace, Love and Understanding. Perhaps that is how it got into our Christmas celebrations? The earliest documentary evidence for kissing under mistletoe dates from the 16th century, but we don’t know who got kissed first.
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Doctor Livingstone, I presume?
It was 150 years ago, on 10th November 1871, that Welsh journalist and explorer Henry Morton Stanley located the missing missionary Dr David Livingstone near Lake Tanganyika, in present-day Tanzania. He may or may not have greeted him with the words: “Doctor Livingstone, I presume?”
Stanley’s real name was John Rowlands. He was born in Denbigh to an unmarried 18-year-old who abandoned him. He ended up in a workhouse until he was 15, then went to America, where he changed his name and became an American citizen. When he found Livingstone, he was working for the New York Herald.
Known for his strength of will, Stanley also had an African name – Bula Matari – Breaker of Rocks. Much of his life was spent in Central Africa, and his reputation was mixed: he was said by some to be violent toward Africans, but by others to have treated them well. His feats as an explorer were impressive: he played a big part in locating the true source of both the Nile and the Congo, and he helped open up the Congo on behalf of King Leopold of Belgium.
Though not overtly religious, he felt he was engaged in a “sacred task”. He was re-naturalised a British subject in 1892, following his marriage.
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All in the month of March
It was:
300 years ago, on 8th March 1723 that Sir Christopher Wren, English architect, died. Best known for designing St Paul’s Cathedral.
125 years ago, on 16th March 1898 that Aubrey Beardsley, British illustrator, died. His black ink drawings, influenced by Japanese woodcuts, contributed to the development of Art Nouveau.
100 years ago, on 4th March 1923 that Patrick Moore, the amateur astronomer, TV presenter, writer and musician was born. Best known for presenting the TV astronomy show The Sky at Night for over 50 years. (Died 2012)
80 years ago, on 13th March 1943 that the final liquidation of Krakow Ghetto in Poland took place. 8,000 Jews were transported to Plaszow labour camp, 2000 more were simply killed in the streets, and the rest were sent to Auschwitz.
70 years ago, on 19th March 1953 that the Academy Awards ceremony (the Oscars) were televised for the first time.
Also 70 years ago, on 26th March 1953 that Dr Jonas Salk announced that he had completed the first small-scale test of a polio vaccine. Larger tests began in February 1954, and mass vaccinations began in April 1955.
65 years ago, on 2nd March 1958 that the first land crossing of Antarctica was completed by the Commonwealth Trans-Antarctic Expedition, led by Vivian Fuchs. The team of 12 men travelled 2,158 miles from Shackleton Base to Scott Base (via the South Pole) in 99 days, using six vehicles.
60 years ago, on 22nd March 1963 that the British Secretary of State for War, John Profumo, made a statement in the House of Commons in which he denied there was any impropriety in his relationship with Christine Keeler, a model who was also in a sexual relationship with a drug dealer and a Soviet naval attaché. (In June he admitted he had lied, and resigned.)
50 years ago, on 8th March 1973 that the citizens of Northern Ireland voted in a referendum to remain within the United Kingdom. That same day the IRA carried out its first bombing in Britain since WWII, planting car bombs in London. One person died, 200 were injured.
40 years ago, on 6th March 1983 that Donald Maclean, British-born Soviet spy died. He was a member of the Cambridge Spy Ring.
Also 40 years ago, on 26th March 1983, that Anthony Blunt, British art historian and Soviet spy, died.
25 years ago, on 16th March 1998 that Rwanda began mass trials for the country’s 1994 genocide. There were 125,000 suspects for 500,000 murders.
20 years ago, on 1st March 2003 that Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, the al-Qaeda terrorist who masterminded the 9/11 attacks on the USA, was captured in Pakistan.
Also 20 years ago, on 12th March 2003 that the World Health Organisation issued a global alert about a severe form of pneumonia (now known as Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome – SARS) that was affecting people in China, Hong Kong and Vietnam.
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Isherwood Hall. (The original hall)
Tables and chairs are available.
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September 2026 Magazine
Pauline & Bob - co-editors..
Updated 1st August 2026
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Archbishop of Canterbury calls to ‘make strangers neighbours’ amid rising hostility
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‘Protect us from the perils of division and hatred’ – Bishops’ prayer for nation
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A TRIP DOWN THE RIVER TEES
Last month I and several family members had the pleasure of The Harbour Master and two crew members taking us on the Harbour Master’s launch up the River Tees, past the Transporter Bridge, then down to Teesport and the mouth of the river.
This special event had been arranged due to my connections with the river having worked in the shipping and distribution business for 50 years and still serve on the North East Shipbrokers Committee.
It brought back many memories of when I worked at Tees Dock with Bell Lines at the Container Terminal and was a Ship’s agent boarding vessels on the river berths. It was amazing to see how the commercial side of the river has changed and the improvements at Teesport, to the cranes and size of the container vessels now.
It was a reminder that we have a major river on our doorstep and we do not know or see the developments that are happening for the future of Teesside.
We were fortunate to have a sunny day with light winds and the two photos show some of our family and myself on the launch. I even had the opportunity of steering the launch, accompanied by two of the grandchildren, and I can report no collisions occurred!
It was a once in a life time occasion which I and my family totally enjoyed.
Brian Livingston
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Church attendance grows for fifth year in a row
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What the PM said to the Archbishop
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Lester Amann considers the man who told the truth to Israel.…
Micah’s Message
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Church Roof Update.
Bob Willis
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MABEL McGURK
The oldest member of St Mary’s congregation, Mabel McGurk, reached the remarkable milestone of 102 years on 13th August. She doesn’t seem to have aged at all since she celebrated her 100th birthday two years ago!
The photo shows Mabel with a few of her longstanding friends who visited her at Nunthorpe Hall for a celebration (and cake!)
A very happy birthday Mabel from all your friends at St Mary’s…
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July 2026 Diary Page
Bible Study (via Zoom) Every Wednesday at 7pm during term time
Prayer meeting first Monday in the Month 7pm in church.
Tuesday 1st
2pm – 3.30pm
Talk on SHELTERBOX (Emergency Disaster Relief Charity)
Saturday 5th
9.30am Churchyard tidy / Church cleaning
Sunday 6th
HARVEST
9am Holy Communion
10am Parish Communion
6.30pm Evening Prayer
Tuesday 8th
10am Holy Communion
Wednesday 9th
10am COFFEE MORNING
7pm PCC Meeting
Sunday 13th
9am Holy Communion
10.00am Parish Communion
6.30pm Evening Prayer
Tuesday 15th
10am Holy Communion
Sunday 20th
9am Holy Communion
10am Parish Communion
6.30pm Evening Prayer
Tuesday 22nd
10am Holy Communion
Sunday 27th
9am Holy Communion
10am Parish Communion
6.30pm Evening Prayer
TUESDAY 29th
10am Holy Communion
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FRANCESCA ELOISE
A poem written by Wyn Hirst about her granddaughter.
I have delightful conversations
Honest, unpretentious
Untainted by common worldliness
Content to react to my mature utterances.
We each have a secret language
And both express it freely.
She is new to this world,
For me decades have unfurled
Her words are merely sounds
Chuckles, squeals, gurgles.
Hand gestures supplement the sounds,
Expressing her feelings and needs
With the enthusiasm of a crazy choreographer.
My stories may be nonsensical
But yet, she rewards me with sounds almost musical.
Rewards?
Her genuine smiles.
Uplifted we laugh together
Such joyful treasure may non malign.
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Canon Paul Hardingham considers football.
World Cup
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September 2026 Crossword
CLUES
Across
1 ‘Its builders — in vain’ (Psalm 127) (6)
4 Season of the year (Psalm 84) (6)
7 ‘— here and keep watch with me’ (Matthew 26) (4)
8 It came over the whole land on the first Good Friday (Luke 23) (8)
9 Paul invariably did this in the synagogues (Acts 17) (8)
13 ‘And to — according to his good purpose’ (Philippians 2) (3)
16 Members of the Church of Scotland (13)
17 ‘He went up on a mountain side and — down’ (Matthew 5) (3)
19 Mock (Luke14) (8)
24 Disgrace (Psalm44) (8)
25 First month of the Hebrew calendar (Exodus13) (4)
26 Christianity of the Britons before Augustine arrived from Rome (6)
27 Mean (Numbers 35) (6)
Down
1 ‘Whoever finds his life will — it’ (Matthew 10) (4)
2 ‘Let the — — on me and on my father’s family’ (2 Samuel 14) (5,4)
3 O raid (anag.) (5)
4 ‘If two of you on earth — about anything you ask for’ (Matthew 18) (5)
5 Take care of (1 Samuel 17) (4)
6 What the older son heard as he came near the house (Luke 15) (5)
10 ‘But rather think of yourself with — judgment’ (Romans 12) (5)
11 Do ten(anag.)(5)
12 Architectural style first used in Greek temples in the sixth century BC (5)
13 Capable of being used (1Kings7) (9)
14 ‘Each one should — his own actions’ (Galatians6) (4)
15 Among the items imported by Solomon (1 Kings 10) (4)
18 ‘But I am afraid that just —— was deceived by the serpent’s cunning’ (2 Corinthians 11) (2,3)
20 Outstanding 18th-century hymn writer, — Watts (5)
21 One of the four sons of Asher (Genesis46) (5)
22 Be distressed(Proverbs24)(4)
23 He was the father of Gaal (Judges 9) (4)
Answers to August Crossword
ACROSS: 8, Prince of Peace. 9, INF. 10, Unmarried. 11, Gulag. 13, Treason. 16, In aid of. 19, Arena. 22, Calvinist. 24, Pad. 25, Moses and Aaron.
DOWN: 1, Spring. 2, Sinful. 3, Scourged. 4, Commit. 5, Spur. 6, Matins. 7, Feed on. 12, Urn. 14, Erastian, 15, Own. 16, Income. 17, At last. 18, Friend. 20, Empire. 21, Adding. 23, Inst.
Winner
Crosswords reproduced by kind permission of BRF and John Capon, originally published in Three Down, Nine Across, by John Capon (£6.99 BRF)
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September 2026 Anagrams
DURHAM CATHEDRAL
Rearrange these letters to form the names of twelve noteworthy features of Durham Cathedral. Answers may consist of one, two, four or five words.
1. CONTRARY NUKE SACK 2. TRISH OPENS HOB 3. HEELIE CLAGPAL 4. EE THE VERBAL BENDE
5. CREST OILS 6. SEE VIC RENNELL 7. BINS MATCH BEST TROUT 8. DONKY TOM MORRIS
9. TERRYS LOBLEE FARM 10. PLAN TO TEACH A NESH FLIER
Compiled by Peter Warren
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August Answers
PUB NAMES IN YORKSHIRE:
1. THE BAY HORSE 2. THE BLACK BULL 3. THE FOX AND HOUNDS 4. THE DURHAM OX
5. THE DOG AND GUN 6. THE BLACK LION 7. THE FALCON INN 8. THE BLACK SWAN
9. THE FAT CAT 10. THE RED LION 11. THE WHITE HART 12. THE BLACK HORSE
Winner:
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September 2026 Soduko Puzzle
August Sodoku Solution
Winners
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The Revd Dr Jo White continues her series on aspects of Christianity.
Reflected Faith Series: The Peace
Last time we reflected on the time of ‘Intercessions’ within our service. This month, we consider what comes next.
In a Common Worship Communion service, the ‘Peace’ comes straight after the Intercessions. There is no such thing with a Book of Common Prayer (BCP) service.
A time of sharing ‘The Peace’ is not restricted to Communion services, but may take place in other services also.
It does not have to follow the Intercessions, but instead could also be held towards the start or end of the service.
Where you place ‘the Peace’ is significant: having it at the beginning emphasises the community coming together, whilst towards the end of the service might be to emphasise the importance of being together that encourages and enables us to take God with us into our everyday lives.
But why have it at all? Haven’t we all come together to this service to worship the same God? To be together with others who think and believe as we do?
Hopefully yes, but sometimes we just need a visible sign of that very unity and a reminder that we are a part of this community where we are, as well as a part of the wider church across the world.
It is so easy to forget this. To just go on repeat and not be conscious of this enormous honour that we have to ‘meet together in His presence’.
‘Sharing the peace’- however we do that – with one another is a demonstrative act of community. Everyone is included.
The Peace of the Lord be always with you – And also with you.
This month
Where is ‘The Peace’ placed within your service and what do you think is the reason for that? Does making a physical connection – however you do that – with those around you make a difference to your thinking about ‘community’?
**
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Canon Paul Hardingham continues his series on the books of the Bible.
What’s the Big Idea? – An Introduction to the
books of the Bible: 1 Thessalonians.
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14th July - John Keble, priest, Tractarian and poet.
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David Pickup, a lawyer, considers writing a letter
Best handwriting please!
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Canon Paul Hardingham begins a seven-part series. This will run until the July issue.
The Seven Deadly Sins: Sloth
‘Through laziness, the rafters sag; because of idle hands, the house leaks.’ (Ecclesiastes 10:18).
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Tim Lenton considers the founding of America.
The US Declaration of Independence – 4th July 1776
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Looking back on 20 years with Twitter….
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Here are some tips for a cooler house
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Tim Lenton considers the creation of our first cloned mammal.
Remembering Dolly – the cloned sheep
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Holiday soothies
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Is danger lurking in your fridge?
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Why our ‘crumbling infrastructure’ is hurting older people
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God and the Americans – 250 years on
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The Rectory
St James the Least of All
My dear Nephew Darren
Thank you for sending me the photograph of you having your face painted at your parish’s ‘Fun Day’ – although I can’t help feeling that to label an event ‘fun’ is the most effective way of draining it of all amusement whatsoever. Why on earth can’t parishes continue with the traditional title of ‘Crowning of the Rose Queen and Fete’, equally traditionally grimly enjoyed to the accompaniment of thunder and torrential rain.
However, the one thing that caused me the greatest concern in your photo was the fact that you were wearing sandals. Sandals are only to be worn by Franciscan monks (without socks) and holidaymakers on Blackpool promenade (regrettably, generally with socks). I know that you will argue that Jesus wore sandals. This was mainly because reliable pairs of brogues had yet to be invented, but also because He lived in a hot, dry country. We live in a cold, wet one.
The only appropriate colour for footwear for a parish priest is black, and the only appropriate material is leather – although I will concede that can create difficulties. Wet leather shoes and polished marble sanctuary floors are a potentially lethal combination.
I well remember as a curate when old Canon Griffith entered the Sanctuary, having just got drenched coming from the Rectory. His feet moved across the marble floor some miles per hour faster than the rest of his body. Had he landed face down, the congregation may have assumed he was reverently prostrating himself before the altar. But lying in a supine position, staring in a dazed state at the rafters, only conveyed inappropriate indolence, when he should be at work.
However, do not take the alternative of wearing crepe soles. I suspect your present church will be fully carpeted – it seems to go with your sort of theology – and there will be no problem. But crepe soles and any sort of polished stone floor are a truly disastrous mixture. The slightest movement will make it sound as if you are being followed by a swarm of demented frogs.
Your loving uncle,
Eustace
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BOOK REVIEW
Hope for All Creation – a theological response to the environmental crises
By House of Bishops, CHP, £12.99
Hope for All Creation presents a theological vision by which members of the Church of England might think, reflect and act in response to the current environmental crises, in partnership with other denominations and all people of good will. Drawing on a rich history of Anglican theological reflection on the environment, it takes forward this tradition to inform the Church of England’s care for creation. It does so at a time when humanity’s disruption of the Earth seems on the threshold of the catastrophes earlier reports warned of. It also seeks to deepen the Church’s vision of creation and human responsibility and to articulate more fully God’s reconciliation of all things in Christ and the hope for the redemption and renewal he provides.
Finally, it offers a vision of how Christians can seek to live in a reconciled relationship with other creatures in the light of this hope and integrate this fully into Christian mission and discipleship. Hope for All Creation is a teaching document from the House of Bishops of the Church of England and features a Foreword by the Archbishops of Canterbury and York.
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All in the month of July.
It was:
250 years ago, on 9th September that the Second Continental Congress adopted the name United States, which replaced United Colonies.
200 years ago, on 5th September 1826 that John Wisden, British cricketer was born. Founder of Wisden’s Cricketers’ Almanac. Launched with 112 pages in 1864, it now runs to 1500 pages and is the bible of cricket.
175 years ago, on 19th September 1851, Wiliam Lever, 1st Viscount Leverhulme, was born. Co-founder of Lever Brothers with his brother James. Now called Unilever, this global consumer goods company operates in more than 190 countries.
125 years ago, on 29th September 1901 that Enrico Fermi, Italian-born American physicist was born. Creator of the first nuclear reactor, he became known as the ‘architect of the nuclear bomb.’
90 years ago, on 7th September 1936 that Buddy Holly, the American rock and roll singer and hits was born. Killed in a plane crash in 1959.
Also 90 years ago, on 21st September 1936 that Frank Hornby, British inventor, died. Remembered for Meccano, Hornby Model Railways and Dinky Toys.
Also 90 years ago, on 30th September 1936 that Pinewood Studios in Buckinghamshire were officially opened.
80 years ago, on 5th September 1946 that Freddie Mercury, Zanzibar-born British rock singer and songwriter was born. As lead singer of Queen, he sold more than 250 million records worldwide. Died of bronchial pneumonia resulting from AIDS in 1991.
70 years ago, on 25th September 1956 that the world’s first transatlantic cable, TAT-1, went into service. It could carry 36 simultaneous calls, later increased to 72. It was retired in 1978.
65 years ago, on 11th September 1961, that the World Wildlife Fund (now the World Wide Fund for Nature) was founded in Switzerland. Nowadays it is the world’s largest conservation organisation, operating in nearly 100 countries with over 35 million supporters.
60 years ago, on 8th September 1966 that the Severn Bridge was officially opened. Linking Wales and England over the rivers Severn and Wye, it carries about 32,000 vehicles a day.
50 years ago, on 5th September 1976 that the first episode of the Muppet Show was broadcast on ITV in the UK. It attracted 15 million viewers and ran for five series until March 1981.
40 years ago, on 7th September 1986 that Desmond Tutu became the first black Archbishop of Cape Town. Retired in 1996.
30 years ago, on 27th September 1996 that the Taliban seized control of Kabul, the capital of Afghanistan. Mullah Omar was installed as Head of the Supreme Council and ruled until 2001.
25 years ago, on 11th September 2001 that the terrorist attacks on America took place. Al-Qaeda terrorists hijacked four planes and crashed them into the World Trade Centre’s Twin Towers in New York, into the Pentagon, and into a field in Pennsylvania (following a passenger revolt – the intended target was Washington DC). 2,973 people were killed.
20 years ago, on 3rd September 2006 that Andre Agassi announced his retirement due to back problems. He was 36, a former world number one in tennis, and the 1996 Olympic champion.
**
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Smile Lines
Creation
One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So, they picked one scientist to go and tell Him so.
The scientist walked up to God and said, “God, we’ve decided that we no longer need you. We’re to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things by ourselves.”
God listened very patiently and then replied: “Very well, how about this? Let’s say we have a man-making contest. We’re going to do this just like I did, back in the old days with Adam.”
The scientist said, “Sure, no problem” and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.
God looked at him and said, “No, no, no. You go get your own dirt!”
**
Wedding guest
A little boy at Sunday School learned about the time Jesus went to a wedding and changed the water into wine. “And what did you learn from that story?” asked his father afterward.
The boy thought for a moment and answered, “If you’re having a wedding, make sure Jesus is there.”
**
Freezer labels
Jane had a system for labelling homemade freezer meals. She would carefully note in large clear letters, ‘Lasagne’, ‘Beef stew’, ‘Chicken casserole’, etc. But every day when she asked her husband what he wanted for dinner, he never asked for any of those meals.
So finally, she decided to stock up with his various requests. Nowadays her freezer is full of dinners with neat little tags that say: ‘Whatever’, ‘Anything’, ‘I Don’t Know’, ‘I Don’t Care’, ‘Something Good’, or ‘Food’.
No more frustration for Jane, because no matter what her husband wants for dinner, it’s there waiting.
**
Retreat
A man with a nagging secret couldn’t keep it any longer. In the confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where he worked. “What did you take?” his priest asked.
“Enough to build my own house and enough for my son’s house. And houses for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake.”
“This is very serious,” the priest said. “I shall have to think of a far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat?”
“No, Father, I haven’t,” the man replied. “But if you can get the plans, I can get the lumber.”
**
Questions
The phone rang. It was a salesman calling from a mortgage refinance company: “Do you have a second mortgage on your home?” I said no.
“Would you like to consolidate all your debts?” I explained that I had no debts.
“How about freeing up cash for home improvements?” I said I was happy with what I had already.
There was a brief silence, and then he asked, “Are you looking for a husband?”
**
Typeface
I’m working on a new typeface to be used for church bulletins. I call it Baptismal Font.
**
Get rid
A man bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he decided to put it outside in his front garden, along with a sign saying: ‘Free to good home.’ For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it.
So eventually the man changed the sign to read: ‘Fridge for sale: £30’. The next day someone stole it.
**
Shops
Grandfather talked often about the ‘good old days’, when the cost of living was much lower. “When I was a lad,” he exclaimed, “my mother could send me to the local shop and I’d get some mince, two pints of milk, some bread, some tinned rice and a magazine – all for less than a pound!”
His young grandson protested: “You couldn’t do that now. They got those video cameras everywhere you look.”
**
What makes airport security think they can find something in your wife’s handbag when even she can’t?
**
Signs found in modern kitchens….
1. If a messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, this kitchen is delirious.
2. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
3. A husband is someone who takes out the rubbish and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.
4. If we are what we eat, then I’m easy, fast, and cheap.
5. A balanced diet is a biscuit in each hand.
6. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
7. A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.
9. Help keep the kitchen clean — eat out.
10. Many people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.
**
Wedding
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, “Why is the bride dressed in white?”
“Because white is the colour of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.”
The child thought about this for a moment, then said, “So why is the groom wearing black?”
**
No date
An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she explained: “They wouldn’t take me out while I was alive, so I don’t want them to take me out when I’m dead.”
**
Jerusalem
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: “They couldn’t get a babysitter.”
**
Editor: with the party conference season in mind….
Are politicians the oldest profession?
A surgeon, an architect and a politician were arguing as to whose profession was the oldest. Said the surgeon: “Eve was made from Adam’s rib, and that surely was a surgical operation.”
“Maybe,” admitted the architect, “but prior to that, order was created out of chaos, and that was an architectural job.”
“But” the politician pointed out in triumph, “somebody had to have created the chaos first!”
**
Answer?
Politician to aide: “About their charge that I’m indecisive – do you think I should answer it, or let it go, or answer it in part, or what?”
**
Off to uni …
Smith: So your son is in college? How is he making it?
Jones: He isn’t. I’m making it and he is spending it.
**
Letter
A boy was sent by his parents to a private school a long distance from home. He had been strictly enjoined to write home regularly and tell them all about himself and his new life. At the end of the first week, his first letter arrived: “There are 370 boys here. I wish there were 369.”
**
Fact of life
It takes only 84 days for the average schoolboy to outgrow a pair of shoes.
**
Income
A man was asked if he lived within his income. “Certainly not,” he replied. “It is all I can do to live within my credit cards.”
**
Give it up
Psychiatrists say it’s not good for a person to keep too much to himself. HMRC people say the same thing.
**
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